Parenting: teens and sex... no clue?!?

[Deleted member 37474]

My oldest daughter is straight and my youngest is a lesbian. Both teenagers. The oldest wants a boyfriend so badly. The youngest used to say she is bi, I asked her what changed? She said she doesn’t like penises, so I asked, do you like vaginas? And she said no, but I like boobs.

Only mentioning this to show how candidly we talk about this stuff in my family. My parents were of the generation that sex is shameful and wrong. You save yourself for marriage. Pretty convinced that both God and my parents would hate me if I had sex. I was in a long term emotionally abusive relationship in high school. My mom used to always talk about how physically touch oriented I was as a child, how I could easily catch Aids and that it is possible to get pregnant if the penis is anywhere near me. I was convinced that I was pregnant multiple times due to this approach. Very fear based sex education.

I don’t want my children to feel all of the fear and shame around sex, but I also think that maybe I have been too open and have made it too acceptable. My lesbian daughter just had two female friends spend the night. I think one of them might even be her crush. How do you handle sleepovers when your daughter is into girls? And is the end game really about just not girls getting pregnant? Or people being pressured or raped in your own home? No access? Because some people do go off to college and get raped. I just don’t know what I am doing. Also, the current generation seems to view sex as more recreational. Also terrifying to think about with your own kids.

 

[Akhos]

Personally, I commend you on the way in which you openly talk about sex. I have two boys, the youngest of which couldnt care less about girls as he is too young, but my eldest is at the age where he is hitting puberty and starting to notice the "pretty" girls as he calls them. We are very open with our kids as well, teaching them that no means no, not to abuse your strength and always show attention and respect to girls. I raise my sons with old fashioned morals such as chivarly but my eldest often approaches me about waking up with erections, why does it happen etc etc. I dont think its possible to be too open about sex, they are going to find out one way or another, and its best to hear from someone who loves them rather than from, potentially, someone who only has their own immediate gratifications in mind.

Personally, when it comes to kids, I dont think its just about pregnancy which is the issue (without meaning to open a can of worms on that topic alone), I think its about respect for others, and for themselves. I think, personally, I would teach them the boundaries, guide them as much as I could, to be the best people for themselves, but realistically, they will ultimately make their decisions and I can only hope that I did a good enough job to enable them to make a functional decision and talk to me about it if anything ever want wrong. I feel parents that are overaly pushy about sex and how terrible it is, make a rod for their own back. (What do we do if we see a Wet Paint - Do Not Touch sign? We touch it - human nature)

Its scary thinking about your kids having sex, completely agree. I think when I couldnt approach my folks about it and just found out the old fashioned way. Having the two options - I would have prefered if my parents raised me the way you are your daughters, and the way I am now raising my boys.

 

[FauxLiz]

@TexCat I grew up in a household similar to yours which resulted in my unwillingness/inability to be honest with my parents when I was molested by my brother, raped at 16, 17 and again at 17. As the mother of a now 23 yr old girl and 17 yr old I have tried my best not to place an emphasis for my children on sexual preference or pregnancy. I have addressed it from the stand point that sex when consensual is the most intimate thing two humans can do together. I don't want them to be scared of their sexuality yet at the same time to respect both themselves and others.

We can try to protect our kids, teach our kids and love them but in the end even with sex we have to trust that they have learned the lessons we have tried to teach them and they know no matter what they can always come to us.

 

[Akhos]

Just to add on - my parents raised me in a very strict Christian family. I was brought up believing that sex is bad, even sexual thoughts are terrible and just looking at a girl sexually would put me straight to hell with no chance of redemption. I remember getting my first erection at seeing a girl naked when I was at school, and honestly thought that I would be struck down dead right there and then. I could never understand why some boys would laugh and joke about it as they were clearly playing with fire, didnt they realise this.

My first son was born outside of wedlock, and oh how I was judged. Yes, he wasnt planned, and @TexCat, you know some more of the results of that which I obviously wont go into detail on here, but even as an adult, sex - outside of marriage, no son of mine then. God will strike you down dead.

Didnt exactly fill me with the desire to approach my parents about sexual questions. I remember my father beating the hell out of me when I asked him what boobs were, but then again, he didnt really need much of a reason to just lash out anyway.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @TexCat I think you are doing everything right.. Your open and honest with your kids.... That's how it should be.... Your daughter likes boobs.. Great.... I'm a lesbian too and wish I was brought up in a home that is so open and accepting...

Your doing great as a parent... As for the bad stuff.. Rape etc... Yes it happens but your worrying... And worrying.... Your daughters feel safe... Try not to think about the bad stuff... A great mum texcat....
.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@Xena, thank you for the chuckle about “boobs.” So... I know that I wouldn’t allow a boyfriend or any boys to spend the night with my oldest, so how does it work with the youngest? Is it wrong for me to find this confusing? Am I stuck in the thought process of how I was raised? I mean, I guess this is where the whole world debate comes in on everything from gender to sexuality.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

@TexCat... Well your youngest..ok so having friends over is great but possible girlfriends.. That's up to you.. But probably not... If no boyfriends in the home.she will understand... Boobs still makes me laugh..

 

[Deleted member 44579]

And yes of course its confusing... But you're doing everything right... Your supporting and loving.... You will figure the rest out as you go along....

 

[nowthisisme]

Love this thred.

@TexCat you are doing a great job! My kids are still young and i am so worried about them growing up. I have open discussions with my kids about their bodies but we didn't get into the sex part yet :cautious:
I'm hoping I can be as open as you are with your daughters.

Good job mama!

Oh my thought, if boyfriends aren't allowed to sleep over then girlfriends aren't either. Or you can just allow sleep overs for everyone; i guess having sex at home is safer then somewhere else.

 

[grimalkin]

Sorry if I'm stepping on toes, being a supporter and not a sufferer - BUT! I was a peer sex educator for a good while through high school and college, and beyond (minus the peer at that point), and healthy sexuality is a favorite topic of mine. :)

It sounds like you're doing great! My own parents were quite open about sex, and the only really "morals" thing I got was "We hope you will wait until you're married, but that's just us. As long as it's consensual and between similarly aged individuals, and it feels good, you do you. Come to us when you need birth control. Be safe!" So, my mom helped me get the birth control I wanted, made sure I had money for condoms, which mostly went to people I knew how were too embarrassed to get them.

I was allowed to have boys over, behind closed doors, and even overnight - and I ended up not having heterosexual intercourse (P-i-V...everything else though? Yeah, I played) until I was 18 and out of high school. My parents wanted me safe and trusted my judgment, so they'd rather have me at home than out somewhere where I would be less safe.

I would say - you're the parent. You do still get to make the rules about what goes on in your home, and I agree with @nowthisisme. For fairness sake, I'd say if boyfriends aren't allowed, then neither are girlfriends. So whatever rules you DO have, have them be fair and across the board. Because really, it's a matter of time before "But you let HER GIRLFRIEND sleep over ALL THE TIME!!!" will happen, if you're not consistent.

My own take? Sex is recreational, but that's me. :whistling: Provide your girls the ability to be safe and make informed choices - they're going to do it eventually, might as well make the journey as painless as possible for everyone. But you're perfectly within your rights to have house rules until they're adults and/or contributing to the household.