Parenting With Ptsd

[Gloww33]

It is a challenge to live with ptsd ,but living with it and parenting is a whole different ballgame. I can say that being a parent is the biggest joy, the best job and by far the greatest part of my life so far.

My concern is, my son is fourteen and I am triggered when I discipline him. He's a teen and of course that is hard in itself, but I have very simple rules and consequences he can follow that helps our home to be safe, healthy and clean, but enforcing them creates horrible symptoms in me.

Example: Being disrespectful ( being rude, swearing, talking back and throwing a drama fit over being asked to help with something or choosing to not listen to instructions, hitting things when mad or screaming) is not tolerated in our home, because this is our peaceful sanctuary....you will be sent to your room the first time. The second time you will be grounded for one day if your behavior persists and stay in your room until you calm down (this usually is about an hour or less)

I experience guilt and depression. I remember my punishments were so extreme and my body remembers them every time I enforce our rules. The rules I have our healthy, safe and reasonable....but I can't get past the guilt and my symptoms/ flash backs.....of times where I would be submerged into water for crying and being afraid, I was punished for nothing most of the time and I go back in time when I enforce rules which is weird because my rules are nice compared to what I had gone through. I am so scared I am going to traumatize my son, or pass on, what feels like the life sentence of ptsd symptoms.....I almost feel contagious and toxic when enforcing rules, like I am a monster......but I know it's not like that. Anyone else feel like that? It makes me sink into a great depression when I think I am hurting my son by sending him to his room.....silly I know.

My rules range from no media on school nights to we eat dinner as a family even though it is just the two of us, I am traditional and try hard to make a loving home for him.....it's all I think about is having a stable healthy environment for him. A way better start in life then what I had. I spend 90% of my day worrying about it....I am not sure why I have to feel like I have to make sure everything I do is near perfect parenting....that isn't even possible. My expectations for myself as a parent, is a lot....I wonder why I do that to myself.

 

[Go Hungry]

I have no idea how to deal with the triggers during discipline, but it sounds like you're doing a bang-up job as a parent. :)

 

[Julie50]

@Gloww33 let me encourage you: not only are your boundaries and expectations very good and healthy, teenagers need and crave this (even though they don't say it or even balk at it) Dr Dan Siegel's book Brainstorm is about the rewiring of the teenage brain and how to navigate it (for the parent and the teen) and is a good read on this. We have two teenage boys and what you're encountering wrt resistance, complaints etc sounds normal however I understand how enforcing them can trigger you to remember your traumas. I think you're way on the right track...the alternative would be to avoid boundaries and consequences because of how you feel...."I almost feel contagious and toxic when enforcing rules, like I am a monster......but I know it's not like that. Anyone else feel like that? It makes me sink into a great depression when I think I am hurting my son by sending him to his room.....silly I know" .....No boundaries or consequences make for unhealthy, unproductive irresponsible young adults.
You ARE breaking the cycle and providing good healthy boundaries and reasonable, respectful consequences...for guys I've learned its about parenting them while still respecting them. Shut down those negative voices and give yourself a pat on your back! !!

 

[Gloww33]

Thank you, sounds like a good read, I will look into it. I sometimes wonder how could my parent have gone so far as to drown me? I almost died many times. What could I have done at seven that was so bad? I never remember what I did. I never have that instinct when I see my son, there is nothing he could do that would cause me to harm him.....it's like I live my days proving that to myself, that by loving him unconditionally sponges the wrong that was done to me.....there is healing in the way I love my son, it is the only hope I know of or the only chance I see at normal....because my peace is in my parenting, I see myself in him, vulnerable and defensless and I parent him in the way I dreamed my parents could have been....but my symptoms are a heavy burden.

 

[Julie50]

I can't imagine what it must have felt like for you as a child! In my understanding, that's what makes PTSD unique as a mental illness. ..being a victim of someone elses sick, selfish or aberant behaviour. I hope that you've heard this before but you did nothing to deserve any of that. ..you were a precious little girl. It's so wonderful that you are able to parent your son with love, honour and respect!!!

 

[Gloww33]

Thank you for your support and encouragement, it means a lot

 

[ghotiff]

I get triggered also by disciplining my kids. The physically larger they get the worse it is because what triggers me is their anger at being disciplined and my symptom is fear.

My eldest is a tween boy and is a lovely and emotionally sensitive boy but like all children he doesn't like hearing "no" for an anwser and at the slightest sign of anger from him (never directed at me) it triggers and brings out fear in me. I'm very worried about this and him being a teenager which is one of the reasons I started therapy this year.