Parents in recovery

[Jewell]

If your parent or parents are in recovery and admitted they didn’t do a great job parenting AND they are genuinely remorseful

Would you want them in your life rather than hold onto the pain????

Seems you’d be hurting yourself more to not allow them in your life based on the above scenario

 

[arfie]

i am no big fan of "the if game," and i have never had that particular experience, butttttttaaaaa. . .

forgiveness is the most powerful healing agent i have found on my own recovery road.
holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think firstly, you'd need to trust that they are genuine. Just because they say they are, doesn't mean they are.
Have they said this before and then gone back to previous behaviours?

And I don't think there is a direct link to holding onto pain and going no contact. You can let go pain whether you are or are not in contact with someone. It doesn't matter what the other person does or doesn't do: carrying pain or letting it go are things we do internally for ourselves.

So you can have all sorts of mixtures:
Parents go into recovery but you still carry around pain even though they are changed and you have a relationship with them.

Or, parents never change but you do a lot of work within yourself and you have worked through the pain.

Is there a particular reason you are asking this? Are you going through this at the moment?

 

[Midnightmoon]

Would you want them in your life rather than hold onto the pain????

One parent lost his parental responsibility of me and sibs when we were very young. I hold no malice or avengence, I hope he has become a better person, I hope he is happy and well. Would I ever want him in my life if he acknowledged the absolute mess he caused? No. He lost that right when he made the decisions he did all those years ago. I feel very at peace with the NC.

 

[Midnightmoon]

One parent lost his parental responsibility of me and sibs when we were very young. I hold no malice or avengence, I hope he has become a better person, I hope he is happy and well. Would I ever want him in my life if he acknowledged the absolute mess he caused? No. He lost that right when he made the decisions he did all those years ago. I feel very at peace with the NC.

I've ended up toying with this in my brain so coming back to it again.

I think the difference for me between being NC with some family and not others, despite the history, is the level of intention behind the wounding. Sustained and prolonged deliberate intention towards someone more vulnerable= I'm not interested in seeking reconciliation.

Wounding that occurred as a result of the others own struggles, and the intention wasn't to harm, more it occurred as a result of something else= I'm far more likely to want to try and maintain a relationship

 

[Jewell]

I think firstly, you'd need to trust that they are genuine. Just because they say they are, doesn't mean they are.
Have they said this before and then gone back to previous behaviours?

And I don't think there is a direct link to holding onto pain and going no contact. You can let go pain whether you are or are not in contact with someone. It doesn't matter what the other person does or doesn't do: carrying pain or letting it go are things we do internally for ourselves.

So you can have all sorts of mixtures:
Parents go into recovery but you still carry around pain even though they are changed and you have a relationship with them.

Or, parents never change but you do a lot of work within yourself and you have worked through the pain.

Is there a particular reason you are asking this? Are you going through this at the moment?

You are wise to ask
2 reasons I ask
I was raised by 2 alcoholic parents
Lots of trauma for me from that as I felt lost and unheard and unseen a lot of my childhood
I live with my dad after mom passed
He hasn’t had a drink in decades BUT he’s dry not sober ( still is very anxious and drepressed which looking back probably drove him to drink)
When he gets like that I feel sympathy knowing he tried his best to parent and is definitely showing up for me now
Much better than bitterness I could feel

Secondly since I was I diagnosed CPTSD I raised my own 2 children with lots of hyper vigilance and dis regulated emotions
Married a man with CPTSD so my kids had it rough
No physical abuse but lots of emotional neglect looking back
My son used heroin to cope and passed in 2016
My daughter has decided her upbringing is the cause of her problems and is “taking a break” from me
Since I just recently got this diagnosis I have been addressing it
I am changing through therapy baby steps
And I am so extremely remorseful about pain I’ve caused
My beautiful son gone
My sweet daughter possibly gone as well

 

[Jewell]

I've ended up toying with this in my brain so coming back to it again.

I think the difference for me between being NC with some family and not others, despite the history, is the level of intention behind the wounding. Sustained and prolonged deliberate intention towards someone more vulnerable= I'm not interested in seeking reconciliation.

Wounding that occurred as a result of the others own struggles, and the intention wasn't to harm, more it occurred as a result of something else= I'm far more likely to want to try and maintain a relationship

So glad to read this
Intention wasn’t to harm
That was my parents and I’ve forgiven them and even live with my 91 year old dad

Also I am praying my daughter knows I never meant any harm but she did experience emotional neglect
My son suffered pain as well and he turned to drugs and passed away in 2016
I’m devastated about losing him but I can possibly repair things with my daughter so I don’t lose her as well

 

[Movingforward10]

You are wise to ask
2 reasons I ask
I was raised by 2 alcoholic parents
Lots of trauma for me from that as I felt lost and unheard and unseen a lot of my childhood
I live with my dad after mom passed
He hasn’t had a drink in decades BUT he’s dry not sober ( still is very anxious and drepressed which looking back probably drove him to drink)
When he gets like that I feel sympathy knowing he tried his best to parent and is definitely showing up for me now
Much better than bitterness I could feel

Secondly since I was I diagnosed CPTSD I raised my own 2 children with lots of hyper vigilance and dis regulated emotions
Married a man with CPTSD so my kids had it rough
No physical abuse but lots of emotional neglect looking back
My son used heroin to cope and passed in 2016
My daughter has decided her upbringing is the cause of her problems and is “taking a break” from me
Since I just recently got this diagnosis I have been addressing it
I am changing through therapy baby steps
And I am so extremely remorseful about pain I’ve caused
My beautiful son gone
My sweet daughter possibly gone as well

Ah, I remember your situation from another thread.

I think the biggest challenge is trust and timing, perhaps?
The time is right for you to address this. But the time doesn't seem right for your daughter? She needs time away to go through what she needs to. As hard and as heartbreaking that must be, especially given the awful loss of your son, there isn't much you can do but honour your daughter's wishes? And hope that she comes back to you when she is ready?
I'm sorry. It sounds very difficult all around.

 

[No More]

Personally yes, I’d absolutely want them in my life if the remorse is genuine and they are serious about making amends.

No human is perfect. Nobody turns to addiction because their life is hunky dory. Maybe they just did the best they knew how with what they had. Maybe they didn’t.

Either way, if it were me, holding grudges and hurt does nothing. Either I’d let it go and move on, or make my peace and amends.

 

[Jewell]

Ah, I remember your situation from another thread.

I think the biggest challenge is trust and timing, perhaps?
The time is right for you to address this. But the time doesn't seem right for your daughter? She needs time away to go through what she needs to. As hard and as heartbreaking that must be, especially given the awful loss of your son, there isn't much you can do but honour your daughter's wishes? And hope that she comes back to you when she is ready?
I'm sorry. It sounds very difficult all around.

Thank you so very much for your response
Very helpful

 

[Jewell]

Personally yes, I’d absolutely want them in my life if the remorse is genuine and they are serious about making amends.

No human is perfect. Nobody turns to addiction because their life is hunky dory. Maybe they just did the best they knew how with what they had. Maybe they didn’t.

Either way, if it were me, holding grudges and hurt does nothing. Either I’d let it go and move on, or make my peace and amends.

Thank you
It’s peace we all want