DID Part doesn't want me to be happy

[BlueOrange]

I've done a lot of work to get my parts talking to each other. We are mostly on good terms these days, and the parts that don't like each other very much can communicate. So I guess that's something that I could be proud of.

But I'm having a lot of difficulty opening communication with the part that doesn't want me to be happy. I start doing things (or thinking about doing things) that would (most likely) lead to happiness, and it's like an electric shock in my head, a wall of static.

Followed by tiredness.

And that's if I'm lucky - if I just go 'proceeding with the things I'd like to be doing', then the sequence seems to be worsening cramps in the face and the throat. I think that this part is closely linked to the part that closes my throat if I'm about to say something that it doesn't think is safe.

At the same time, there's several of my parts that seem to be forcing the issue. I've managed to engineer a situation where all of the forces in my life are pushing me towards getting what I want, and being around people who genuinely like me for who I am. (It's an awesome situation, and I'd really like to be able to tolerate it.)

So I asked myself "What are you trying to show me?" and immediately, there was a wall of static. And an answer, "That."

I'm trying not to force it. I'm trying not to run compulsively through the problems trying to fix everybody else's problems to distract myself from my own issues. I've been hiding inside computer games a lot, but that's wearing thin. (And the guilt is starting to fade, which leads to being happy about being good at computer games, which reduces the compulsive aspect quite significantly.)

I'm starting to lower my expectations. Perhaps this is the key? Certainly, my perfectionism hasn't been doing me many favours lately.

Therapist later today. But, here I am, doing something aimed at taking care of myself. And I can tolerate posting on forums better than I can tolerate most other forms of trying to be good to myself. I guess that's something.

 

[ladee]

You have made awesome progress !! and have great insight to move forward. Hope your session today helps you accomplish you next goal. thinking of you..

 

[shimmerz]

doesn't want me to be happy.

Doesn't want you to be happy or is afraid of you being happy?

 

[BlueOrange]

Doesn't want you to be happy or is afraid of you being happy?

Good question. Been poking at it as hard as I can withstand this morning, and I think it really is hatred, as opposed to fear.

Specifically, when I was growing up, I struggled hard to form a sense of identity. I started out being "The smart kid," except that I repeated a grade. For a while I was "The Australian kid", but we moved back to Australia. That was when I was "The city kid," except that we moved back to the city. And so, I worked out who I was, I was "The outsider" and I was "The underdog."

And for most of my life since then, I've been successful at being on the outside, and at picking fights I couldn't win. The story of my time on these forums bears that out - the banning, and then the warning, and then the realisation that it was up to me whether I wanted to be part of the community or not. And I decided I wanted in. And I'm no longer moving on as soon as my status as an outsider is threatened.

If I am going to settle into this life that I've built for myself, I'm going to have to become one of those people that I've hated all my life, one of those assholes who says "Well, that's not so bad" and has confidence that problems will get solved, even if they don't know how it's going to be solved. And the terrifying realisation is that those people aren't actually assholes - they were unhelpful to me as a kid, but it's not their fault that they didn't understand how to deal with me - they simply hadn't had the experience required in order to understand.

I've defined myself by the valiant struggle against impossible odds. Now that the odds are firmly in my favour, I have somehow become a traitor to the revolution (or so the revolutionary inside me says). I'm trying to valiantly take up arms against my irrational desire to valiantly take up arms against things, but it doesn't seem to be working very well just yet. I'll find a way to turn the odds in my favour and win this thing. After all, that's what got me into this mess in the first place :)

 

[ms spock]

Can you give this part something to do? Or can you give that part a cause to work on? What focus would let this part let go of controlling you in this way?

I don't know very much, so it might not be relevant to your process.

 

[BlueOrange]

Can you give this part something to do? Or can you give that part a cause to work on?

Excellent point - I've been asking it not to do things, and it doesn't have a constructive outlet at this time.

Tired. Therapy was HARD. I have some good quality, difficult questions from my therapist to work on.

 

[Sideways]

I have a part that doesn't seem to like me being 'happy'. I've been working on it, so I can say 2 thumbs up to you with how well your parts are communicating, because it's bloody hard hard work!

Me personally- I'm trying to develop some mutual respect. We don't have to like each other, but we're stuck with each other, like it or not.

In my case, I've discovered that it's not so much that the part doesn't want me to be happy, it's just happiness isn't relevant to her. She thinks that a lot of the things that make me happy, like having a social life, expose me to risk of more hurt, so she tries to sabotage my 'happiness' in her efforts to protect me.

So, she doesn't really want me to be unhappy, it's just that the things that make me happy are frightening to that part of my mind. Socialising, having a life - they're still 'unsafe' in that part of my head.

There's been a lot of tantrums getting to that point. But it helped me a lot to keep in mind that however destructive that part gets, including doing things that I'll be ashamed of for the rest of my life, it's all ultimately done to protect me. Unacceptable, but well intended.

So I always come back to the same question with my 'difficult' parts: why does that part of my head think say, having a social life, is risky? What am I protecting myself from? And how can I teach that part that it's ok, I know how to keep myself safe now, they don't need to take over anymore?

That said, it's a work in progress. We still hate each other, and no, we aren't always on speaking terms!!

 

[ladee]

@Ragdoll Circus, loved your post. You have a lot of self awareness. That takes us a long ways sometimes. Welcome to the forums. Happy you are here. I will learn from you !! :hug:'s if you accept them.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

In my case, I've discovered that it's not so much that the part doesn't want me to be happy, it's just happiness isn't relevant to her. She thinks that a lot of the things that make me happy, like having a social life, expose me to risk of more hurt, so she tries to sabotage my 'happiness' in her efforts to protect me.

Oh my goodness, THIS!!!

My man's "Grumpy" side SEEMS to not want the others in my man's system to be "happy" but I agree completely with this assessment of my man's situation, too. Grumpy doesn't want the others "UNhappy" .. It's just that happiness is overrated, largely irrelevant (he is my man's amygdala response, protector, only "comes out" to deal with THREAT in the world, so he doesn't see anything as emotionally celebratory in the world, really) .. AND when the LITTLE parts of my man are "out" they behave in ways that Grumpy finds ridiculous or childish or embarrassing, etc.

BUT .. we had a bit of huge progress last week which was a revelation to me. I LOVE Grumpy, I love ALL of my man's parts. And there was this one incident where I accidentally triggered an embarrassing moment for the Little Ones in my man, and they retreated inside very scared and mortified, etc. They felt I had "shamed" him/them. And Grumpy was FRONT AND CENTER behaving as though *I* was the threat .. once things calmed down, and he/they realized that I by NO means had intended to embarrass him, Grumpy confronted me about how badly he felt I was TREATING THEM in that moment .. He was instantly protective .. AND it was evident, he WANTED them to be truly "happy" AND "happy WITH ME" as his fiancé.

In other words, Grumpy isn't out to sabotage our happiness in our relationship (something that my man's Middle and Littles FEAR pretty regularly, as if Grumpy will drop the hammer and we're all over) .. Grumpy WANTS the others and me to be happy in OUR relationship cuz it gives him a "break" (he just wants to SLEEP) .. And Grumpy LIKES it when they're happy WITH me cuz it means they are "protected" by ME and he can go "off duty" .. So as long as I am PROTECTING them, GRUMPY is even "happy" (as "happy" as he can be without much of an emotional core) ..

Anywhoo, rambly and disjointed, I apologize (I'm a bit rushed at the moment) .. BUT, fact is, Grumpy doesn't randomly "sabotage" (though he CAN and he LIKES that he has this "power" inside the system because it means he's a MORE EFFECTIVE PROTECTOR when he needs to be) ..at least not anymore .. He's hyper alert to THREAT and DANGER and if the other parts are seeking "happiness" in ways that pose either a threat and expose him (unknowingly) to any form of danger - and emotion itself is a "threat" because it's UNPREDICTABLE, compromises judgment, etc.- he WILL step in and destroy the "happiness" to keep ALL of him safe .. And now that we have a better grasp of what triggers/motivates him, we can TOGETHER work to communicate that the "perceived" threat ISN'T one in reality (on a case by case basis) .. puts all of him better at ease, bonds all of US closer together ..

@Ragdoll Circus .. SPOT ON, here. :hug::hug::hug:

~WU

 

[Sideways]

Whispering Unicorn - you pretty much just described my Fox part.

There are still the odd random acts that are clearly just to keep her power in the system...she wouldn't ever admit it (pretends not to care about the system), but I think she feels threatened by the knowledge that none of us approve of the way she behaves.

And I don't like to admit it (because I hate her in equal shares!), but it's nice knowing she's there. She's one tough cookie, and she'd go to hell and back to keep me safe:)

 

[Sideways]

@Ragdoll Circus, loved your post.

Thank you so much! It's such a relief to have people just say "yeah, that's what my life's like too". People's messages here help clarify things in my head like I wouldn't have thought possible:happy:

 

[BlueOrange]

I LOVE Grumpy, I love ALL of my man's parts.

And it shows, and it's a beautiful thing. It has taken me a long time to understand that Wife 2.0 loves all of my parts, and even longer to believe it. Her ability to accept me has really helped me to do it myself.

So I always come back to the same question with my 'difficult' parts: why does that part of my head think say, having a social life, is risky? What am I protecting myself from? And how can I teach that part that it's ok, I know how to keep myself safe now, they don't need to take over anymore?

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. The key is to understand what's motivating the part, and to come to terms with why. This very angry part of mine is tricky, because they refuse to talk - they've watched me ask other parts why they want what they want, and they have no intention of falling for it. But the key (as indicated by both of you) turns out to be that they are there to protect the smallest, most vulnerable part of me. By engaging constructively with that part (on the advice of my therapist), I'm starting to demonstrate that I (the apparently normal part who does all the talking) can be trusted. They want to trust me, but I've not always been trustworthy in the past. This is going to take time.