-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Part Of A Group That Just Isn't Working
- Post starter Virtues
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #86
It's been a while since I've checked in; hello all I miss talking with you all, but I am closing some of the gap between myself and my family so that is a good thing. Just a really quick update as I have only been up to the ranch twice in the last month due to some unforeseeable circumstances. I did my first flying lead change 3 weeks ago. It was an amazing feeling. I was very proud of myself. We were running a figure 8 pattern in the arena and Coffee just naturally changed her lead for me on the second go around. I felt amazingly connected to her that day. Yesterday not so much.
Yesterday we were doing a drill where the herd was at one end of the arena and we were leaving the herd one at a time to trot down to a cone, circle it, then trot back. The drill was simple enough but we had to let out our reigns when we did it. The trick was on the way back the horses would pick up a little extra speed because they wanted to join back up with the herd, some of them would even go into canter. Our job was to try to prevent them from speeding up without using the reigns. My turn came... sure enough Coffee went into a canter, my body tightened up (wrong) and I was forced to take hold of the reigns... so I did it again... this went on for some time each time Coffee trying to go into a canter and each time resulted in my same reaction. I was getting frustrated. My dressage instructor told me "what are you worried about? if she goes into a canter so what, let her go into a canter. We're in an arena. There's no place she can go. It's not like she's going to go into a full out gallop." Coffee said "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!" We ran the drill a few more times and both me and Coffee each became more and more frustrated, as I was getting the drill wrong and Coffee didn't know what I was asking of her, and was tired of getting the reigns yanked at, and finally she just said f*ck IT! When she turned the cone on the last drill she went into a full on gallop. I literally yanked back on her reigns, which I had let out so you can imagine how scared shitless I was, and was yelling Woa girl, Woa girl, Woa!!! That was my first gallop. Everyone got a good laugh after. Not quite sure that's how I wanted my first gallop to go down, but I guess it is what it is.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. I hope life is treating you all well.
Yesterday we were doing a drill where the herd was at one end of the arena and we were leaving the herd one at a time to trot down to a cone, circle it, then trot back. The drill was simple enough but we had to let out our reigns when we did it. The trick was on the way back the horses would pick up a little extra speed because they wanted to join back up with the herd, some of them would even go into canter. Our job was to try to prevent them from speeding up without using the reigns. My turn came... sure enough Coffee went into a canter, my body tightened up (wrong) and I was forced to take hold of the reigns... so I did it again... this went on for some time each time Coffee trying to go into a canter and each time resulted in my same reaction. I was getting frustrated. My dressage instructor told me "what are you worried about? if she goes into a canter so what, let her go into a canter. We're in an arena. There's no place she can go. It's not like she's going to go into a full out gallop." Coffee said "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!" We ran the drill a few more times and both me and Coffee each became more and more frustrated, as I was getting the drill wrong and Coffee didn't know what I was asking of her, and was tired of getting the reigns yanked at, and finally she just said f*ck IT! When she turned the cone on the last drill she went into a full on gallop. I literally yanked back on her reigns, which I had let out so you can imagine how scared shitless I was, and was yelling Woa girl, Woa girl, Woa!!! That was my first gallop. Everyone got a good laugh after. Not quite sure that's how I wanted my first gallop to go down, but I guess it is what it is.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. I hope life is treating you all well.
Pretty grand of you and thank you for doing that, buddy.
Lol - my first gallop was similar - my riding companion began to canter and I was too nervous to canter because I was in a wide open paddock on an ex-racehorse that had won more than $175,000. Trying to hold him back was a dumb idea because once the distance between us got too big he took off in a flat out gallop. I swear my cheeks were wobbling like a chipmunk! And I lost one rein when he jumped a bush! I was WAY to scared to fall off so I clung to the safety handle on my saddle! Not exactly grace under pressure! Guarantee you your next one will be better! I've galloped my boy deliberately since then and loved it. (Always with one hand on the safety handle though!)
Lamename01234
Bronze Member
That is a great update. Made my morning reading it.
- Post starter
- #91
I haven't been out riding in a while (kids have been out of school and it's been hard to find child care) but I finally went last week. When I got there I was surprised to find that Coffee had thrown a shoe, and Dunny was being ridden by another Vet, so due to a lack of options I was limited to "Cannon", Coffee's brother. Now a little backdrop for Cannon. Cannon doesn't like me... at all. Every time I go near Cannon, he flattens his ears out, even if I'm feeding him. I was a little nervous, but I saddled him up. Every time I went to tighten his girth he turned around to nip at me. Finally I got him saddled up and took him in the arena before we went out on the trails. It took a lot of convincing him that I was the one that was in charge. I had to really put my spurs to him and tug at his reigns until he finally submitted to me, but I was feeling really good and ready to get on the trails. Everything was going fine until he decided to play a little game. He would stop, eat some grass, then canter to catch back up with the other horses. I was OK with him doing this so I was letting him get away with it, but then he tripped. His left reign was quite longer than his right reign, but I didn't really realize how long it was. When he got into a canter he stepped on his left reign and tripped over it. This caused me to lose my balance in the saddle and almost fall. I instinctively let go of the reigns to grab hold of his mane and pull myself back up in the saddle, but when he felt the tension release in his reigns he thought that mean I wanted him to go faster. He went from a canter to a gallop and I was still not seated properly in the saddle. It took my brain a minute to register what just happened, how it happened, how I got there, and what I needed to do to make him stop. With one hand I held on to his mane and with the other I grabbed both reigns and pulled back on them to bring him to a stop. We all got a laugh about it when we got back to the barn. I was lucky I didn't get hurt. Anyways it was a fun little adventure and definitely illustrated the importance of mindfulness; I was able to stay in the moment and think my way out of the situation I was in, which was a huge win for me. Anyways I hope all is well with everyone. I hope to post some more here real soon. Hopefully I can get childcare figured out so I can get up there to ride more often, if not maybe when school starts again. Anyways be well everyone.
Nothing boosts your confidence on a horse like handling those kind of situations. I've learnt only recently to fight for my saddle. I used to be freaked out if I was unseated and kinda bail off the side if I felt like I'd lost control of the horse. Of course, in those days I rode in sand arena and falling didn't really hurt. Now I ride in open country with lots of rocks in the ground. I often joke that I'm too scared to fall off!
Well done!
Well done!
- Post starter
- #93
It's been a while since my last update. The girls are back in school now, so I find it a little easier to make time to go to the ranch. I had an unfortunate event happen in preparation of hurricane Irma. I was helping my neighbor put plywood up over her windows, and fell from the ladder; my natural reaction was to put my legs out in front of me to break my fall, but when I did that I locked my knee out. When I hit the ground I hyper-extended my knee. Doctor says no riding for 3 to 6 weeks. In spite this I went up to the ranch last week to see if they might need a hand with something other than horses. I spent the day in the sunshine cleaning tack. It was my first time cleaning a saddle and it turned out really nice; I was pretty proud of myself when I got done. I managed to get a couple done in my short time up there, but then I had to tend to my other duties (feeding, turning out, mucking stalls, etc...)
I was also invited to go on a boat ride (my whole family was) with my therapist on Veteran's Day. I thought that was really nice.
I guess the main point of interest in this post is that I'm starting to notice real progress in my therapy. My equine therapy, individual therapy through the VetCenter, and my 5 days a week groups through the VA are slowly starting to come together. I'm taking note of the little wins and starting to keep score. For example: the other day I was in the kitchen putting away dishes. One of the problems I have due to my TBI is I forget things. I had a bowl in my hands and I drew a blank; I couldn't remember where it went. I stood silent and frozen in the middle of the kitchen for probably close to a minute just staring at this bowl in my hands. My wife finally intervened and told me where to put it. Now, before I would have gotten angry at her for calling me out. I am very self conscious about my TBI and people pointing it out is a trigger for my anger. This time I thanked her (and genuinely meant it) and then just went about my business. Another example is: One of my groups is H.O.P. (honest open proud). During the hurricane we took on refugees (my aunt & her husband, one of my wife's friends, and all their animals) My aunt is in the medical field, so when she saw me taking my meds she asked about it. Normally I would have told her to mind her own business (in a polite way of course), but I decided that I don't need to hide my PTSD today. I told her exactly what I was taking and why (and I'm on 9 different pills, so it took a bit of explaining each one). When I got done telling her I didn't really care what her reaction was going to be, but I was surprised to find how understanding she was. She didn't try to feel sorry for me, or the opposite look down on me; she told me how proud she was that I made it through what I made it through and to keep pushing forward. It was like this unwavering support.
Anyways, I'll wrap this up and not make it too drawn out. My main point is that the lines of communication are starting to open up between me and others. More so, my wife and I have reestablished a new respect for one another and are working towards the same goals (financially and otherwise). And finally the groups that weren't working before are slowly starting to make sense, and one session seems to build off of the next; even between therapists there seems to be a strong sense of moving in the same direction. This doesn't mean I am never triggered, I never have a flashback or nightmare, or I still don't struggle with things. Like I said, now I am keeping score and it just seems that the scale is tilting in my favor.
Last thing and then I will end this. The other thing I started with my wife is F.P.U. (financial peace university) with Dave Ramsey. Money has been a big ticket trigger in our marriage and this has helped us so much. I'm not pushing F.P.U. but anything that can alleviate stress is helpful. If anyone is interested in F.P.U. you can private message me. I'm not very active in the forum due to personal reasons, but I still do bounce back through here from time to time to see if I have any alerts or messages.
Alright you fine people. I hope you have a beautiful day. Semper Fidelis!
I was also invited to go on a boat ride (my whole family was) with my therapist on Veteran's Day. I thought that was really nice.
I guess the main point of interest in this post is that I'm starting to notice real progress in my therapy. My equine therapy, individual therapy through the VetCenter, and my 5 days a week groups through the VA are slowly starting to come together. I'm taking note of the little wins and starting to keep score. For example: the other day I was in the kitchen putting away dishes. One of the problems I have due to my TBI is I forget things. I had a bowl in my hands and I drew a blank; I couldn't remember where it went. I stood silent and frozen in the middle of the kitchen for probably close to a minute just staring at this bowl in my hands. My wife finally intervened and told me where to put it. Now, before I would have gotten angry at her for calling me out. I am very self conscious about my TBI and people pointing it out is a trigger for my anger. This time I thanked her (and genuinely meant it) and then just went about my business. Another example is: One of my groups is H.O.P. (honest open proud). During the hurricane we took on refugees (my aunt & her husband, one of my wife's friends, and all their animals) My aunt is in the medical field, so when she saw me taking my meds she asked about it. Normally I would have told her to mind her own business (in a polite way of course), but I decided that I don't need to hide my PTSD today. I told her exactly what I was taking and why (and I'm on 9 different pills, so it took a bit of explaining each one). When I got done telling her I didn't really care what her reaction was going to be, but I was surprised to find how understanding she was. She didn't try to feel sorry for me, or the opposite look down on me; she told me how proud she was that I made it through what I made it through and to keep pushing forward. It was like this unwavering support.
Anyways, I'll wrap this up and not make it too drawn out. My main point is that the lines of communication are starting to open up between me and others. More so, my wife and I have reestablished a new respect for one another and are working towards the same goals (financially and otherwise). And finally the groups that weren't working before are slowly starting to make sense, and one session seems to build off of the next; even between therapists there seems to be a strong sense of moving in the same direction. This doesn't mean I am never triggered, I never have a flashback or nightmare, or I still don't struggle with things. Like I said, now I am keeping score and it just seems that the scale is tilting in my favor.
Last thing and then I will end this. The other thing I started with my wife is F.P.U. (financial peace university) with Dave Ramsey. Money has been a big ticket trigger in our marriage and this has helped us so much. I'm not pushing F.P.U. but anything that can alleviate stress is helpful. If anyone is interested in F.P.U. you can private message me. I'm not very active in the forum due to personal reasons, but I still do bounce back through here from time to time to see if I have any alerts or messages.
Alright you fine people. I hope you have a beautiful day. Semper Fidelis!
The Albatross
VIP Member
Hope your knee injury recovers quickly and well... had that happen to a coworker once and know how tough it was. Sincere congrats on your therapeutic progress!
ladee
VIP Member
So great to hear from you and so proud of how things are coming together for you!!!! Popped your head in with a post full of hope and so much positive energy..... you made my day..... just very happy for you... progress, thats what we work on.... ~~~~gentle hugs if you accept.
- Post starter
- #96
So, I had a bit of a rough week this week. I was triggered by my youngest daughter falling off her bike and getting hurt. I had a terrible flashback of when my middle daughter fractured her skull and nearly died. I couldn't help but think back to not being able to work on her in the capacity of a first responder. Then the racing thoughts started. I couldn't shake the idea that something was going to happen to my girls and I wouldn't be around to (or I'd be incapable of) saving them. This happened on Monday. Tuesday I went up to the ranch. When I got there everyone was working on Cannon. He had punctured his right hip on something and it went right down to the bone. I couldn't even look at the injury. Once upon a time I did this for a job (granted not on horses), now the sight of blood is a trigger. After the vet got there and started patching him up, I pulled my therapist aside and told her that I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to ride today. I told her I was going to take my old friend Dunny Boy out and groom him for a while and try to calm down. Everyone else rode while I just sat in the sun grooming him. After about a half hour one of the leaders in the program came over by me and said "why don't you get a helmet and put it on and sit on him for a while". I had never been bareback before so I decided to seize the opportunity. Once I got on Dunny Boy I felt so connect to him. It was so much different than being in the saddle. I could feel every move he made, every twist and turn of his muscles underneath me. He was so much more responsive to my commands too. I didn't have to kick him with my spurs to get him moving or tug on his reigns to get him to turn for me. A simple light squeeze of my hips and he started walking, a gentle touch of the reigns against his neck and he knew where I wanted to go. I felt so in tune with him. All of a sudden all my fears and frustrations were gone; they just melted away. All there was, was this sense of being one with my horse. I wish that feeling could have lasted forever. Unfortunately when it was time to go the intrusive thoughts crept back in and the stress started to pile up again. I haven't fought with my wife in quite a long time, but we even had a spat. She told me that she could tell something was wrong with me. I guess the main lesson to be learned here is how to bring home that solace when I do experience it. I know it can't last forever, but some of the same tools I used to connect with my horse I need to learn how to use to connect to other people. Being soft and supple in not just a physical sense but in a emotional/social sense as well. Communication should not be harsh and forced (nor does it have to be intellectual all the time; I have a bad habit of intellectualizing everything, which tends to invalidate others' emotions). Sometimes I think I need to not be so cold and calculative. All that said the other piece is avoiding passing judgement onto myself as that only compounds the problem. I tried to look at this situation I was in not as good/bad but as a chance to learn something, an opportunity. Not every good thing comes pleasantly wrapped. Sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad situation. That's what this trigger was for me, a chance to learn and grow. Anyway, that is all for now. I am going to start guided meditation next week; I hope to let you all know how that goes. To everyone, be well.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
