Partner Has Ptsd And Its Ruining Our Relationship, Need Help

[soontobmommy]

Hi everyone. I am reaching out for some help because I don't know what to do anymore.

I have been with my bf for 3 years on and off again due to ptsd. I love him very much, but i just cant take it anymore. He is a vet of the marines and did two tours in Iraq. Our first year was good, but mostly because we did do a good amount of drinking together. However, he would get black out drunk and become an a-hole. That was the start of our destructive relationship.

He has been in and out of counseling with the VA; however, they just give him depression pills that dont work. We recently found out we are pregnant; however, he still continues to drink, smoke weed, and live at home with his mom. He wants to move in my house, of which I won't allow it. He doesn't help with anything, just plays xbox black ops and sleeps till noon. On the weekends then goes home to his mom's house so he can get out of doing any work at the house.

He is very controlling, tells me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I stand up for myself and stand my ground. He uses everything neg in his life as PTSD, but its been three years. He has no motivation to do anything at all, just be lazy. I can raise this baby on my own, but I want him to be apart of our lives, but he wont seek real help. I asked him over the weekend to install my ac unit, he said no because he had to "watch" his dog all weekend, really, he cant leave the house for an hour to help his pregnant gf, so i had to install it myself. It feels like he doesn't care about me or the baby to come, just the idea of it. He doesn't help financially, even though he is here all the time. He doesnt like what I cook (london broil) because it doesn't come from the butcher or isnt a better kind of meat. LIke he is spoiled! He makes me cry all the time.

I don't know what to do. Im sooo sick of hearing its PTSD, its three years already! He needs to grow the f up already he is 27, I'm 31. Sorry to keep going on and on, but I have no one to talk to and dont know what to do. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks all!

 

[Cheshire]

Wow. I have nothing nice to say to this.

I dont know what to do. Im sooo sick of hearing its PTSD, its three years already!

PTSD lasts a lifetime, the symptoms just get more manageable.

I suggest you do some reading on PTSD if you really care about him, and find out ways you can help him and learn to understand him and PTSD more.

(Edited to be somewhat less snarky).

 

[Kintsugi]

Yes, PTSD is a lifetime diagnosis that does not go away.

Though it seems like he is managing it pretty poorly in terms of evasive behaviors. Most prevalently, you say he drinks, smokes, and plays a lot of video games--plus, is black ops really what he should be playing? It almost sounds like an adult version of repetitive play? I don't know a lot about combat PTSD stuff.

He is in and out of the VA, but all they do is prescribe.

I can relate to this from the other side. My relationship with my fiance will be on the rocks if I can't figure out better management skills, so I am taking meds (that do work for me) and getting a trauma specialist as a condition for continuing my relationship so that I can move forward in my life and make some improvements with coping skills.

Saying that, if you are truly willing to make the commitment to have someone in your life who will always have PTSD, perhaps you can come up with some conditions yourself.

Examples: If he wants to stay with you, he needs to help out, or else he cannot stay with you. He has to stop drinking and drugs if he wants to be a father. He needs to stop playing video games constantly if he wants to be seen as an adult. He needs to find trauma T outside of the VA if he wants to make improvements in therapy instead of just taking ineffective medication.

These are just some basic suggestions. You can't make him want to improve in his management of symptoms. Conversely, you cannot be frustrated that he is still struggling with a lifetime illness after only three years. I'm 20 and have had PTSD symptoms since I was about 8. That's twelve years, and it's considered fairly "short" from what I've been reading from other folks on the forum.

Please take the time to read articles and other posts on this site if you want to educate yourself about what it takes to get through this. Our supporter section may give you a better idea and seems to have quite a few coping parents on it. It may help. May show you what you can't do. May give you inspiration. I don't know. You sound pretty down about this and tired of it. Let me tell you it is a long-ass road and even longer for those who are actually suffering from this illness, not just "caring" or "supporting."

 

[MurphyJB]

Welcome to the forum.
If this comes of as rude, I do apologize.

Have you done any research at all about PTSD?
If you're venting, that's what thing...but it sounds like you have no idea what PTSD is.
I don't know your boyfriend, but it sounds like he's not be lazy or un-motivated...it sounds like he's using all of his energy just to stay alive.

Things will get worse before they will get better, so if you want to stay with him think long and hard about it.

 

[soontobmommy]

MurphyJB, well, that was kinda rude, and i have been doing a lot of research on PTSD, i have educated myself and have been supportive since i have met him. Thanks for your comment that really was un-called for.

 

[MurphyJB]

That's fine that you feel that way, but I didn't feel that it was uncalled for.
That's great that you're doing research and being supportive. From your post it didn't sound like that is what you were doing.

 

[soontobmommy]

thanks MissAntiSunshine, I am trying to help and understand. I have put alot of things on hold in my life to help him and to undertand PTSD and his sleeping problems. I appreciate your feedback, and I will definantly check out the other forums. I was on the military PTSD page this morning just looking to see how other vets where handeling their PTSD. I am sure every PTSD has their own different symptoms and reactions. I really just want to be able to depend on someone who wants to be apart of this new family, who will also help me with my depression and my needs as well. I just want us to be a team, not the other way around. :/ Thanks again for your insight on PTSD :)

 

[MurphyJB]

Has he looked into therapy at the VA? It's definitely not the best, but it's better than nothing.

 

[soontobmommy]

He has been going to therapy at the VA, they just give him pills that make him worse. I have set up an appointment with a counseling group, who has funding available for Vets with PTSD, we are also seaking couples therapy. All I know is that I am about ready to walk away from this relationship and raise this child on my own. So hopefully the therapy helps, if not, I'm going to have to let go and concentrate on me for once.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Murphy was not being rude. You need to understand that PTSD is forever. He may make gains, he may not. And even more painful, he may make great gains and do well for a few years and then get seriously triggered and go to an even deeper low. Further, the stress of raising a child with PTSD may make it worse.

If you feel he is "lazy" your research has been wrong. If you feel 3 years is enough, your research has been wrong. What he went through, and what PTSD sufferers go through is a hell you will not understand. If you cannot support him in his deepest darkest hell, maybe he should be with someone who can.

Your judgments will not help him at all. He already knows he is in hell and probably already feels bad about himself.

 

[Nicolette]

if not, im going to have to let go and concentrate on me for once.

That's a choice only you can make........ some people can cope with PTSD and others can't. Some Sufferers learn to manage their PTSD and others struggle. It's not wrong or right; you can only do what you think is best.

 

[Nicolette]

He already knows he is in hell and probably already feels bad about himself.

True. PTSD is a lifetime debilitating illness and while manageable, is not yet curable. It destroys many relationships and not through anything else other than the cruelty of the illness to both sides to which neither will feel is fair; yet medically the most difficult is for the Sufferer.