Past and Present Collide - Healthcare Professional With PTSD

[RNning]

Hi everyone, as a 42 year old healthcare professional, it comes as quite a shock to suddenly find myself reliving a past that I would much rather forget. I have had a career helping others with their pain, their suffering and their thoughts. Clinically, I have seen and treated a great deal, the blood and screams never seemed to bother me - now it does - taking me right back into my childhood trauma. I find myself, now as the client and it is frightening as hell! It is one thing to understand a condition clinically, it is quite another to understand experientially. I don't know about anyone else, but I can't sleep, think, stay present or focus on things in the here and now. I literally want my life back.

I am on Zoloft and Seroquil to manage the anxiety and the nightmares - I just hope that at some point I will be able to spend my energy on the future rather than the past.
:crazy:

 

[anthony]

Hi RN, welcome to the forum. I know exactly what your saying, and now you are feeling the experience side of PTSD, which is completely different from anything any person could know without having it. It does get better if you want it too, but it is hard work and you will shut down at times during.

 

[RNning]

Thank You

Thanks Anthony, it has been good to read the postings and get a sense that I am not alone. I certainly feel detached, numb - much like some out of body experience.

:rofl:

 

[cookie]

welcome to the forum, rn

 

[willing]

RNning,
Clever name by the way. You have lots of hope. And this is a wonderful site to share and get feedback. It is so wonderful to find...eventhough this sounds sick...others who as suffering too and understand. All I can say is that now your experience is going to make you an all around better CARE-provider. You now understand. There is nothing like it when as a sufferer, I receive affirmations and connection with another who has been where I have been. They give me my personal experience and yet take the pain away to more of a degree than just someone listening. Welcome, you will be an asset to this forum.
Patty

 

[Marlene]

Welcome to the forum, RNing. You can have you life back-it will take lots of hard work, but it will be worth it.

Look forward to seeing you on the forum.

 

[RNning]

Thanks Patti, humbling to say the least. My story much like the others is quite complicated, occuring over decades and covers everything from murder to suicide and all the abuse in between. My MD just booked me off for 3 months, how long did it take you for the intrusive thoughts to stop, your memory and concentration to return....and this god awful sense of detachment to end. For as much as I have experienced alot, I also thought that I had the world by the tail.....now I am doing all I can just to hang on.

 

[RNning]

Thanks Marlene

Despite some tough life experiences - which we all have in our own way- my life up until now has been pretty good, good job, loving partner etc. Suddenly it seems that I have all this emotional stuff related to experiences so far in the past...that it is hard to connect and integrate the two.....perhaps that explains this disconnected feeling....and pain so deep that I cannot put it into words. I am off work at the present time - how about you....how long has it been....are you or have you been off work....have you been able to return!

I don't mean to pry, just wanting some sense as to when things might return to "normal"!

 

[mouse]

Hi RN Iam glad you found the forum cause it helps to talk with others who know what you are going through I to am a Health Care provider and it changes everything when all of a sudden you are the patient its hard to treat and help your self when you spend you r life helping others, It can be done its hard as hell trust me but as long as you take time for you, you can still be tat helper just after you have healed some. PM me anytime if you want to chat with another Health Care worker cleaver name I'll never guess what you are. lol --I wish you Peace --Amber

 

[pandora]

Hi
RNning

I also am an RN. I developed PTSD and have not been at work now as also had to take a LOA. It is definately hard to be the one not taking care of everyone else. i wish you the best of luck. Take care. i was supposed to return to work but have not and it seems like i am in a relapse. i guess it is just like having to deal with "diabetes" or "cancer" We have to learn to live a different way now, this support group has helped me to learn that I am not so alone and not feeling quite as crazy, just exhausted. I have been off for two years but there are a lot of issues, PTSD just being one right now. i am optomistic but now due to being off and having to go back to a supervisors position I am skeptical. I think a new job would help now, I have NO self confidence, working on that one.

 

[RNning]

Hi Pandora
An apt name to say the least. I can't even begin to describe my feelings, at time nothing and at others everything, with such intensity it pales in relation to physical pain. So, any advice, anything that you tried that seemed to help. I too am tired, beyond words.....I have been fighting for so long, I am stuck in this fight or flight state - either extreme is not that healthy.