People Don't Understand

[ChronicallyIll]

So I was abused as a child and teenager with emotional abuse and physical abuse from my Dad. I was spanked numerous times, sometimes without me knowing why or for the most trivial things, with hands and even belts. I was told by my mom that I am "over-reacting" to this because I was diagnosed with PTSD after suffering nightmares and flashbacks. I also get flashbacks to being bullied and beat up while growing up and from some verbal abuse. I don't control these nightmares and flashbacks; they just occur. I can't help having PTSD, yet somehow I am "over-reacting"? Wouldn't a reaction imply that I am consciously having these PTSD symptoms? I mean it's a brain disorder. It's not a conscious thing. No one chooses PTSD, rather PTSD chooses them. How am I over-reacting? I am so confused and depressed because I thought my mom is supposed to be understanding. I'm in my mid-20s, btw. Any advice? Thank you.

 

[Friday]

Moms are people. Even great people, much less good or normal people, don't always react or respond the way we wish they would. Regardless of what "it" is.

Things get especially problematic when people experience the same or even much worse, and have wildly different experiences. Especially with fairly common things. Consider being cheated on, which is a fairly common thing. Most people have been cheated on at some point in their lives. Most people will be hurt. But most people won't either not care or commit suicide over it. Yet some people will honestly not care, and other will take their own lives.

 

[digger]

Your title is people dont understand, but you only mention your mother not understanding in your post. Have you had this reaction from others too? Be wary of overgeneralising - it's not helpful to you - try not to jump from 'someone' to 'everyone'.

With regard to your mother, maybe there is some denial going on there, or some minimising, because admitting to the severity and reality of things may be difficult for her. She either didn't, or wasn't able to, protect you from your father. I'd guess she has some issues of her own with that. What is your relationship like with her otherwise? How long have you had your diagnosis? Maybe some time to get used to it and learn more about it is needed.

Some people won't understand, some people won't want to, there are people who do and will and I'd suggest you switch your focus to those people for support. You're in your mid twenties, presumably an independent adult? If your mother can't or won't support you, look to others who will.

As you have a diagnosis, does that mean you have professional support at the moment? Therapy?

 

[rightkindofme]

Parents are often the people who are the least supportive. Being supportive would mean admitting they have done things wrong in the past and that's not a comfortable thing.

I'm sorry.

 

[user27357]

I have a similar experience compounded by the death of a parent and the replacement of my mother by a kind of evil super religious beast of a woman. Getting my dad to accept he had made even a slight error in judgement would be near impossible, but in reality I should have been placed in foster care. No doubt that if I saw a nephew or neighbor kid in the same situation I would step in and bring the police and family services in today.

I can not look in on you and your situation with any kind of real understanding of the unique problems you most likely face. Just a few lines on a PTSD forum is at best just the general overview of what is undoubtedly a complex set of problems you face.

I have wasted much emotion on trying to forgive my parents. I left home at 14, accepted their charity when I was severely injured at 16 and needed a place to recover, left again at 18 and slowly began to fall into a weird and twisted and wrong relationship with them that lasted until the time I had kids of my own and they started in on them with their religious views. We started drifting apart and things got worse until they evidently felt they had nothing to lose and became monsters again. I now have no contact with them or any of my siblings or step monsters.

You are twenty-something and at a point in your life that you should be able to have a relationship with them that is entirely in your control. What they say and do doesn't effect you in any real way unless you let it from here on. That's a hard thing to manage, especially with PTSD. It can easily slip from being in control to being controlled. If it does, I would suggest you should consider cutting all ties. I did, and I regret not doing it much sooner, I should have done it when I saw that the only thing I really wanted from them was the love they were not capable of giving me. Their loss, they wasted any love they were capable of feeling on themselves and the cult of a religion that warped their amazingly limited minds.

Parents are just people too, with no more power over our adult selves than we give them. If that power is a negative in this adult life you have now, wrestle it away from them or just walk away and let them flail away alone in the distance. Looking back at my similar situation I only wish I had done it much much sooner. It would have been hard, but looking back, the hard thing was thinking I had a chance at what I thought a normal relationship with my parents could be. It was never normal and had no chance at even being livable, I know that now and it is hard to accept that I was so wrong for so long.

 

[Justmehere]

Your mother didn't protect you when it was happening. She would have to accept that she stood by and let trauma happen to her child in order for her to accept that you have PTSD now. She may never accept it or understand it - and she may have her own trauma related issues from marrying the man she did or perhaps from her own childhood. Denial is a defense mechanism against pain. She may not be ready to face the pain of it all.

I know it hurts really bad, whatever the reason.

There are people who will understand, like here.

 

[WillowMarie]

I agree with rightkindofme that admitting it was abusive would mean they would need to accept some fault, so it is easier to pretend everything was fine.

I know it really sucks getting that kind of response because I have, too, from my mom. When I had a family session with her in therapy, she made responses like Dad wasn't angry all the time, and if he ever hit you guys, it wasn't that often. She said responses like, I don't remember it like that, or to some memories I shared, I don't remember that. But I know she was there in them.

I have given up trying to change her mind because I know she isn't capable. I know she wants to have an open, loving relationship with me, but it is not something I am looking for right now because I am still struggling with her denial and minimization. And I know she will not get me emotionally when I share because of her responses before. So my boundary is not share emotions and emotional things with her right now.

You are in no way over acting.

 

[Tippi]

Dearest ChronicallyIll,

My mother has used denial her entire life, so I have some understanding of what you're going through. It's painful, isn't it? We at least would like to receive the kindness, empathy, and support from our mothers. PTSD flashbacks and nightmares are unsettling and painful. She may not be a good support person for you. My mother will never be, either. So I have had to stop telling her anything at all about my symptoms because she only hurts me with her actions and words. Even if she does so out of ignorance or out of her denial, her actions and words still hurt me. And so I need other people to support me. I am truly sorry your mother is unable to give you what you deserve and need.

No, not all mothers are understanding. Mothers come in a variety of forms and with a variety of flaws. I hope you can find other people to fill in the gaps. You deserve that, CI. You are not flawed........you are not over-senstive........you are not over-reacting..........you are not "making mountains out of molehills," as the saying goes. You are simply responding to the trauma to your mind, body, and soul by having what I consider to be natural human emotions and reactions.......hence the flashbacks and nightmares. I'm quite a bit older than you and still have occasional nightmares and flashbacks. It doesn't mean I am flawed or weak or "over-reacting." It just means that the trauma still resides within my brain cells and a variety of triggers can bring it forward to my conscious awareness.

Anyway, I feel for you. Please do keep talking and keep looking for support because you do deserve that, love.

Blessings.......

If you hav

 

[shimmerz]

My mother died before I could talk to her. I expect that she wouldn't have admitted a thing. Recently one of my son's came to me with an issue that he remembered that involved me. I apologized profusely and told him what I was thinking at the time - but absolutely said sorry - and to come to me with anything. I have apologized for other things as well. Yes, it made me very very uncomfortable, especially with all of the things I am working through - but at the end of the day you either live life in denial or you don't. It is a choice and a hard one. Pity her for not being able to own up. Learn and grow.

 

[FutureGames]

I have done the same as Shimmerz, apologizing to my own children for the times I have let them down. They each should know that they can come to me with anything and trust me. I do not deny my own wrong doings, and I never did even before I realized I have all these trauma issues and PTSD. Because my own childhood was ruined by an overbearing woman, my mother, who never accepts responsibility for her own wrong doings (it's always someone else's fault), and she has banished us all at one time or another, me as recently as two weeks ago. That is the very last time she gets a chance to abuse me, for I am done forever making myself vulnerable to her. It had been about ten years since I had seen that kind of abuse heaped in my direction, and I was wrong for thinking that at her advanced age, she had mellowed. She hasn't mellowed, and neither have my abusive siblings. I am done. I will likely never even be informed when she dies. I am a little sad ,but that's okay. A little sad is better than traumatized one more time at her hands.

As someone else noted, parents are people too. People come in all different varieties, including abusers and those who deny their own culpability in the wrongs their children have suffered. Some parents are really great, but most are going to fall somewhere in between the two poles.

Also noted earlier in the thread is that you are now in control, and you need not tolerate anything less than complete respect. If your mother is going to continue to deny that your reality is real, you can either break away from her completely if it hurts you that much (a perfectly acceptable decision, in my opinion, and one I wish I had chosen or stuck to myself), or you can limit your interactions with her to "how's the weather" and keep it really light.

I feel for you, because I've heard so much of that same type of criticism--I'm overreacting; I'm too sensitive (funny, those who say that just love it when I am sensitive toward them and what ails them; it's called empathy); I live in the past, and so on and so forth. Too many people want you to sweep it all under the carpet to save them from an uncomfortable position of cognitive dissonance or owning up to their own failures. It's not hard to apologize sincerely when you are a person who truly is sorry and are coming from a place of love. Some people will never get there.

Try to be gentle with yourself, because they're not going to.

 

[shimmerz]

A little sad is better than traumatized one more time at her hands.

Hallelujah! This is one of those statements that really helps me in a situation right now. Thank you @FutureGames .

 

[ChronicallyIll]

Thank you to everyone for the advice and replies. I have had other family members who don't understand, so I used the world "people" but maybe I should have said family. I still live at home because of my mental health issues; I feel completely screwed up. I am looking into EMDR therapy now. I have done therapy for awhile, but need a new therapist as my old one got a different job elsewhere. I know I can come here for support, so thank you again for all the advice.