People Who Should Have Cried For Me....

[shimmerz]

....I got to thinking about a line I live by in a posting elsewhere on the board and it was about people crying for us. I wrote never cry for something or somebody who will not cry for you.

Then I got to thinking of all of the people who should have cried for me. Should have felt my pain. There are so many. Of course, in my situation alot of people didn't know but still - it was obvious that when I was adopted I had been badly abused. Obvious.

So the list starts and I will continue as I think of more. If you feel like posting in this one that is great, but I am thinking I am going to keep posting as my memory gets clearer on this one. I hope nobody minds.

My birthmother - for the death she caused of my twin in eutero
- for not wanting me but wanting me when she wanted to want me regardless of whether that was good for me or not.
- for not telling me when I met her at 19 the TRUTH of the matter of my adoption rather than lying
- for planning, and executing plans (pardon the pun) for my death because she was too chicken sh** to love me enough to give me up
Let's leave her at that and keep it light shall we?

My birthfather - for not wanting me and encouraging my birthmother to 'get rid of me'
- for blaming me when I came back at 19 for upsetting my birthmother because of the situation THEY created
- for lying to me about the circumstances of my adoption
- for lying to me ALL THE TIME
- for encouraging my death
- for trying to sell me
- for telling the people back home in Germany who would have taken me in that I was dead

And for all of those in the CAS and other agencies who KNEW what was happening to me but kept sending me back.

Did any of you cry for me? Did any of you go home and not sleep at night just ONE time for me? Were your jobs so important that you could stay cold to this? Really? Who cried for me? No wonder I can't cry for myself.

 

[rightkindofme]

I actually have a different perspective. I cry now to make up for the crying that should have happened then. I feel like I'm letting it out. Things are slowly improving as years go by.

I'll never get over my issues with my mother (sounds like yours are pretty bad--I'm sorry) but I can cry for the things that she couldn't cry for. I was also unwanted and nearly aborted. I can cry for how sad it is that she had to go through the experience. I can cry for me not getting a mother who could love me.

Releasing the pain helps me a lot.

 

[pamcoco]

Wow. I am tearing for you now shimmerz. I am sorry and get it in my own way....

 

[shimmerz]

@rightkindofme I do cry. Silent tears all of the sudden. I never actually pieced it together before but perhaps they are silent because there are no words, I don't know. If you ask me what I am thinking at the time - I really don't feel anything just silent steady streams of tears that won't stop. I am not sure if that is a release or just a reaction. Maybe because I was so young I didn't know how. I release in different ways than crying but I am hoping with this post that others may help me understand through their experiences what they cry about. I don't think I am there yet to cry for my birthmother who is dead now but who I knew for 30+ years. I am still processing that it was all just a big lie. Maybe one day I will care how she felt but I think she did that well enough herself. I thank you as I will try to get to a place where I can first learn how to cry for me and then maybe for her.

@pamcoco I am so truly sorry you get this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger - isn't that what they say! So here we are 'pieces of ourselves' like putting a jet black jigsaw puzzle together and knowing when the pieces start to come together they will show a brilliant and lovely reflection of the people we have become after all of this work.

Here's to those that cared to cry. :angelic:

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't know if this will help any, but when my mother died (I was removed from her care at the age of 5, and reconnected when I was a teen) I couldn't shed a tear for her. My tears (10 minutes of my time tops) were for the loss of a chance at what I wanted from her but could never have. The loss of hope. People tried to make me feel guilty, but how can you shed a tear over someone who may biologically be a mother, but never was in action?

I am so sorry for what you have been though. I can understand not shedding a tear for the people, but I think it is good to mourn the lack of what they never gave you, and to cry over the pain they gave you instead.

For those who work in the system: There might be some who care, at first, but I have no faith in them. It is a money making business and children are the commodities in my eyes. The system is set up to burn out the ones who do care very quickly. I have no faith in the people who work in the system at all.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Too many people are self-centred assholes who can't see beyond themselves.

Something I've learned over the years of trying again and again to trust people, is that the only person I can truly rely on to fulfill my own needs, is myself. So when it comes to the child me, I can cry for her now. I wonder if perhaps you could cry for the child in you?

 

[shimmerz]

@Meadowsweet I am terrified of the child who cried in me. Before I knew the story of my past I cried for days - primal wailing which had me hospitalized and lost ever since. I know I have to get there but the fear is will I lose my sanity in my tears as I did 7 years ago.

@Fadeaway - no - I have the documentation. From the workers to the psychiatrists who kept ordering me back to the people that they had deemed as 'deeply disturbed', I have to tell you, it is a money making business and yes, if you did care you would lose yourself completely. Perhaps that is why I was so drawn to narcissistic sociopaths. I have been in their care from such a vulnerable age. Here is Canada the CAS has no overseeing from our Ombudsman. There is a video on Youtube called 'More Powerful than God' that explains how they work. It is so scary.

Thank you so much all of you as this is eating at my head today. Your responses are helping tremendously.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Grace Hope]

@shimmerz _ I so get what you have said. Neglect of a child is one of the worst things imaginable especially when the realization clicks into place as an adult. Some of my siblings learnt behavior was to the same and they still do. For these reasons people like us end up playing an emotional game of tug-of-war. The craziest thing about my situation was that the person in my family who meted out my sexual abuse was also my only supporter. I for gave them only because they apologized and in later in life I understood why. In the UK Social services are also " More Powerful than God " I hate them so much for their neglect and what they allowed to happen. Would they cry for me ? I don`t think so.

I believe that if someone truly recognizes what they did with sincerity that some healing can take place. At 51 I still play tug-of war with my memories from that time. I cry for my inner child, all that cruelty, the denial when I have confronted someone with it, but it is they who feel sorry for themselves and not I.

What you have written and especially your title " People who should have cried for me..." has given me an answer to a question that has being going round my head for a very long time, through very tough problems. Thank you.