Physical Contact

[DogwoodTree]

How do you ever get past the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts enough to enjoy physical intimacy?

I can't think about my body in a sexual way any more at all. Like, this morning when I was changing clothes, I "remembered" for the first in what seems like weeks that I have female parts. It was almost a surprise. And I was disgusted to think about anyone, including my DH, seeing these parts of me, or especially touching them or being attracted to them. I don't even look at myself in the mirror until I'm fully clothed. I take good care of my body, but the whole idea of sex and physical intimacy is disgusting to me.

I used to be able to force myself into those thoughts, but I just don't have the courage to keep facing that battle right now. Why does it have to be such a fight? I feel like I'm a defective human being...this stuff has screwed me up too much to ever have normal relationships.

 

[Forgetful]

Me too. I've been married for 26 years and have 2 beautiful daughter who have their own families now. But, the only way I could be intimate was if I was high. 3 years ago I had a horrible flashback during sex. H felt awful because of it, apologizedon't profusely and said he wouldn't ask for it again because he didn't want to hurt me again. Honestly, I was relieved. It's been 3 years now and we're still happily (but dysfunctionally) married.

 

[J_trustno1]

Same here, except for the part that I've never been married or been in any intimate relationship. I never had any relationship that was too serious that would lead to physical intimacy because I felt sex is dirty and I felt disgusting thinking about it. I had trouble looking at my body as it is and looking at myself in the mirror, parts of it is related to sexual abuse and other parts of it is related to emotional and physical abuse in childhood. I'm 28 and never had a real life relationship.

I grew up being a feminist and I fear intimacy because I feel I guy will use me and then dump me. I have trouble letting people too close into my personal space because I don't want to be too vulnerable and I tend to push guys away because I see them as narcissists, pedophiles, perverts, abusive etc Just like my abusers from childhood. I know that my analogy of men is not true and I do have good male friends but when it comes to relationships I tend to label guys into above categories. I know it is my distorted thinking and I need to work on it before I ever get into any relationship because it is my own thinking will ruin my future relationships otherwise!

Lastly, I fear relationships because most of the time I feel "I'm not good enough and I will be the one ruining a relationship because I will push him away and who wants to be in a relationship with a broken person?"

 

[DogwoodTree]

Lastly, I fear relationships because most of the time I feel "I'm not good enough and I will be the one ruining a relationship because I will push him away and who wants to be in a relationship with a broken person?"

I don't think it's so much about being broken or not...everyone is broken in some way or another (and if they say they've got it all together already, then they're not being honest with you or themselves). It's more about...are you engaged in growth and healing and recovery? And if you are...if you're taking ownership of your own process...then others on the same journey will be attracted to you in healthier ways, and able to walk alongside you as they work through their process, too (kinda like what happens here on this site, but it can happen IRL, too).

Have you ever heard the song "Broken Together" by Casting Crowns? The chorus speaks so deeply to me...