Physical Pain...leave Me Alone!

[Chava]

Here's the bind or stuck point, it seems: wanting to be left alone when in pain, but also fearing being left alone when in pain....wanting to feel it and validate it but also wanting it to go away....wanting to be connected to others but also wanting to be invisible...wanting to feel empowered and not immobilized, but also wanting to be still (and invisible). All of that seems to be like variations on the same theme...and related to my confusing meltdowns when I'm in pain. I want to crawl into a little hole to preserve myself but then I also feel abandoned by the world in that place.

Family stopping over today and I'm going to be "okay" because that's honestly the truest I can be to myself and not increase any distress. But I also don't want to deny my pain or overload on painkillers to get by. So I'm separating truths a bit. I'm telling you I feel F*cked up. My pets know it too. I'll let my family know I'm in a bit of pain but try to be pleasant and enjoy the time, even if faking to a degree. I mean this in a totally aware way, not like split personality, just aware of what line I feel I can toe...I think lots of us naturally do this at work, for example. I just do it in all close relationships too...cover my feelings and needs to maintain connections because my family is not normal and I'm willing to accept that. I just want to be more real to myself.

And when I'm alone again I'll try to just let the pain be there to a degree (taking some meds, trying lower than max daily dose of 2 to 3 varieties...little cocktail to not overwhelm my liver). But I'm also working on pain tolerance, validating present pain, but also finding ways through. It's gnarly but it helps a little, I think, to understand how all of these contradictory needs or urges get stuck together. If I can unstick them or separate them somewhat, it doesn't feel so impossible.

p.s I have some chronic pain issues but all "pain" seems to be channeled into somatic problems for me.

Hope you're all doing okay today...

 

[Lolly]

Here's the bind or stuck point, it seems: wanting to be left alone when in pain, but also fearing being left alone when in pain....wanting to feel it and validate it but also wanting it to go away....wanting to be connected to others but also wanting to be invisible...wanting to feel empowered and not immobilized, but also wanting to be still (and invisible). All of that seems to be like variations on the same theme...and related to my confusing meltdowns when I'm in pain. I want to crawl into a little hole to preserve myself but then I also feel abandoned by the world in that place.

First off can I just say you summed up me perfectly in one paragraph... pain always makes my feelings very confused!

It sounds like you're having a really rough time with your pain. I have just come out of a patch exactly like that, and its rotten. I do hope you find some relief soon! Huge clap for trying to lower you painkillers, that is HELL to do and I commend you for sticking through it. If you ever need a listening ear (who understands exactly what you're going through!) I am always on the other side of a PM.

Take care of yourself! :)

PS,

the whole "faking" in front of family/friends as if you are coping well, is absolutely normal... at least it is for me. Just please don't do it the extreme that I have, and be so good at looking fine that you it seem that you're faking being in pain rather faking being well. Anywhoo... take care. I hope you have a better day tomorrow :)

 

[joeylittle]

It's gnarly but it helps a little, I think, to understand how all of these contradictory needs or urges get stuck together. If I can unstick them or separate them somewhat, it doesn't feel so impossible.

Just wanted to validate this thought. It's 100% true. Untangling where ones' thoughts/feelings are coming from, and just knowing how to "read" your own impulses, urges, struggles - it's very empowering, and empowerment is hugely important to pain management and any type of recovery.

 

[Hope4Now]

Your whole first paragraph sounds just like me! I'm sorry! I have pretty severe chronic somatic pain issues.
I think sometimes it's okay to "fake it" (if we can) to get through certain things. It's not being untrue to yourself. It's balancing and managing...figuring out when and to whom we can be vulnerable and open about the level of our distress, vs. when and with whom we need to protect ourselves so we are not invalidated or even abused.

Have you read Peter Levine's book Freedom From Pain? I found it quite helpful.

 

[arfie]

Seems to me that you are, at least in part, flaunting your humanity. It is like the old cliche, "There are but two great tragedies in life. One is to be denied your heart's desire. The other is to get it." In other words, whatever a human has, our nature is to want the opposite. Sometimes I think the entire human species suffers rapid cycling bipolar. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence???

Not to invalidate your pain or minimize the extra juggling that has to go on with trying to fit in while we are dealing with PTSD issues. Just to say that being human predisposes us to those swings tween the extremes. Just a crazy old gypsy's opinion.

Gentle support while you sort your own unique dynamics, Chava.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Lolly ...I'm on a tiny, okay dose, but wish I didn't need anything. I do feel like I'm at war with my body sometimes and just want to figure out how to pacify the situation better!

Thanks
@joeylittle ...the unsticking or separating in this case seems to be getting alone (crawling into a hole) times but also knowing where I can reach out without feeling huge risk. So having either, as needed, and not both needs glued together, which is impossible. Yes, I think important in lots of recovery stuff. Contradictions all over when we are really struggling.

@Hope4Now , yes I have that book. I read it a couple years ago and it helped me be open to the therapy I'm doing. The physical therapy route wasn't working for my pain stuff. The "noticing" is hard to do on my own, nearly impossible in meltdown, but I seem to learn a little more each time about what's going on, which helps me get on track a little sooner I suppose (reconnected, able to notice sensations, etc without feeling like I'm drowning).

Thanks
@arfie ...I think the contradictions and pulls are probably common in all of our most difficult struggles...I relate a lot to that every time I have to make a really difficult decision. But here it's less about desires and more about basic needs for protection, safety, etc. (but they seep into all kinds of areas at times). For me this particular issue is more akin to a sort of freeze response...at least that's sort of what we've come up with in therapy. So it's not just difficult. In the worst moments it feels impossible...I feel totally immobilized (even if I'm not...doesn't matter that it's not logical). I get stuck in different times and places simultaneously and with opposing needs or reflexes that can't be met because they sort of cancel each other out. So trapped feelings piled on top of trapped feelings. I'm just starting to understand it a little, I think, which makes me feel a little less powerless.