Physical Pain Subdues Everything

[Chava]

The pain is real (chronic back pain and assumed endometriosis and whatever else but I chickened out of the little surgery so have been wading through other options). But sort of like an eating disorder or addiction, it has simplified my life down to basic survival on lots of days. I don't have to feel a lot of feelings/emotions. I don't have to think about what it would mean to "thrive" better or feel connected to others. I just have to get by. It becomes safe sort of, especially when the emotional part and relationships don't feel safe. Some of the pain is probably related to protective responses, but my whole body responds to that...I don't worry about the future, don't feel sad or anything really...I just feel like I'm in a bubble of preserving physical safety.

I'd like to move beyond this...at least part of me would. I saw a doctor on short notice today for some of the pain that has intensified. But I also have this "F+ck you" response to the world connected to the pain which is allowing me to just isolate and try to get by through the weekend. Just feeling like pain replaced the other stuff, and my body-mind will never let me be whole. I'm trying to take care of the pieces though, I suppose.

I don't know how to get out of "survival mode" because I've been in it forever, in some form. I think I'm getting out of it and realize I'm falling back in, just in a different way. Now it's physically diagnosable stuff, so partly my body is just screwed up. It's all haywire.

I'm not really looking for an answer here. I hope it helps that I'm gaining some awareness but I do sometimes feel like I'm stuck and can't be fixed...and wonder if I'd feel less frustrated if I stopped trying to be better than I am. I feel like I was supposed to be better through therapy by now and I might have issues with insurance coming up. The simultaneously sick and protective part of myself can subdue everything I've left unraveled through simply physically hurting. It locks in the energy...I know this much. I imagine it as all the pain meshed in with dissociated and also true parts of myself or things I can't/won't verbalize, so I can always keep part of myself guarded, unviolated, unseen, unheard, just silently having a fit and nobody can change it or mess with it or take it away from me. I can function well, be patient and friendly and seemingly engaged in what I am doing...but feel this sort of secret and seething pain as if in a slightly separate compartment, like it contains all the bad stuff for me. It feels very stupid to admit that I hate pain but that it also is a sort of friend or helper. But I think that's true. It comes from this place where nobody can protect me but myself...however maladaptive, I feel connected to that. It's isolative but also feels like there is a "self" there, even if disjointed a bit.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Chava, you do sound better than you were a few weeks ago. Are you concerned that some awful body memories or actual memories are right under the surface and you're doing everything you can to suppress them?

 

[Chava]

Thanks @KwanYingirl ...yes, less meltdown or total nervous breakdown in my world. More like low-level backing into a little hole maybe. Not too sure what's going on, trying to just sort of take care of my self and daily things. I have a number to call about insurance but I WILL have a meltdown if I find out I can't afford therapy...like what was the point trying to get through this bubble. Put the bubble BACK! Feels arbitrary but cruel, too. Like F-ck me for trying to take myself seriously. ha ha ha. I will make the call...just not any time in the super near future. I could barely deal with ordering fast food after my doctor's appointment. Home, making art, walking the dog.

 

[Karen12]

It feels very stupid to admit that I hate pain but that it also is a sort of friend or helper. But I think that's true. It comes from this place where nobody can protect me but myself...however maladaptive, I feel connected to that.

I can relate to this. I have severe chronic pain from permanent car accident injuries. It definitely complicates a lot of things. It's very hard to try to listen to your body when there's a constant static "white noise" of pain. Like you, I have also formed this weird, adaptive relationship with the pain. When you're in a battle with the pain it kind of blots out everything else. I don't know what it's all about, either. I wish I had better words for you. All I can tell you is I don't think it's stupid or weird and you're not alone.

 

[Chava]

I think a shorter way for me to explain it would be that my pain is something I can't share with anyone, but my pain also understands what I've been through. Messed up, but it's like my friend that way.

@Karen12 I understand the "white noise" part. I've made myself suffer a lot in various forms, which creates a sort of white noise of exhaustion, pain, or just numbness. The world becomes very small and easier to deal with. I don't feel good about my relationships right now (a good friend moved away, I quit an important gig, I moved out of town and am physically quite isolated, and I might not be able to afford therapy...that was the most helpful relationship, so it feels like a mind-f#ck that I probably just can't afford it anymore...like even good relationships are wrong for me. I just can't deal. Anyway, the pain is a way to feel isolated without feeling like it's only because nobodies cares about me. But it understands me...it feels bad for me. It helps me not feel alone.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Chava, I have moved so many times looking for a place on this planet where I wouldn't just isolate myself. I think these feelings you have are really real and caused by PTSD. Every cell in our bodies are involved in trying to keep protected. There are complicated ways our system normalizes chronic abuse. Maybe you're finding a way to tolerate it without disintegrating. But, shit, enough is enough. It makes me so angry how hard it is to get coverage for therapy. You are brave and smart I've lived in the middle of nowhere too and looking back over the years it was a time that I was in serious condition. Drinking every day and so isolated. I'm hoping my new place will open me up but I notice I'm still hiding under the covers. Ugggg...

 

[Chava]

Chava, I have moved so many times looking for a place on this planet where I wouldn't just isolate myself. I think these feelings you have are really real and caused by PTSD. Every cell in our bodies are involved in trying to keep protected.

This is part of what I feel is probably long-standing true and I don't know how much to accept or what I should change. I found this darling house, surrounded by nature, and when I bought it I KNEW I'd feel less lonely out here than I would surrounded by people I don't connect with. But I still think of moving to some big city and feeling connected more easily (maybe closer to cousins, various small communities, like a meditation group). A city would rattle my nerves. I'd likely not feel lonely for a long time because I'd be so distracted and I'd get superficially connected to people through being super busy in things. But then I assume I'd feel extremely lonely, surrounded by thousands of people. So my current situation feels more like solitude and often a sad isolation, but not that really stabbing loneliness of being alone in a crowd...and horrid deep feelings that I am fundamentally very damaged.

There might be some other middle ground, but part of me is attached to my little property and how safe it feels. Also, I can't afford to do the selling/moving thing at the moment. Pain feels like the middle ground in some ways where I can help myself, or survive, or contain myself...all by myself and nobody has to understand. I can stay here, not even super disconnected, just hurting silently.

I hope your new place is good too. Maybe partly an adjustment for now? Aren't you near the beach? Can you wrap up in a blanket but sit by the ocean? I find that nature has a nice way of making me feel not isolated, but part of everything (I'm just not accessing it very well lately, but thought I'd put that thought out there)

 

[Chava]

p.s. the pain in my back was just starting to feel slightly able to "communicate" with my hands so I could sort of say something with my hands about it in therapy (can't say anything verbally, partly because I can't describe it and partly because my brain is disconnected when I'm really able to notice pain...or something like this...probably lots of implicit memory stuff). And starting in Jan. maybe I can't do any more. So it feels like just another sort of hijack or violation. Why would I let anyone see my pain and then just be dropped with it sort of arbitrarily or randomly? WHY would I ever do therapy again? I have to find a permanent way to protect myself and I think my pain is all I have, even if it is maladaptive. And maybe insurance will help (I just don't want to know right now), but my therapist doesn't think so and I'm sure she'd like to be done with me anyway...I've been going through that issue in recent months too...so this just feels like a validation of that too. F#CK IT. I'm slowly preparing for the worst in a backsliding but hopefully not crumbling sort of way.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Noooooo no backslide! Maybe a lateral move and keep on coming out of your struggles. You have insight. That's a big deal. Have you ever considered acupuncture? Balance your system. You know they are all connected. It's very relaxing and sometimes the Acupuncturist will give herbs to cleanse yin and yang. Practicing yoga has taught me to just focus on breathing mindfully. I am much better but like today I have been in bed all day. I get your dilemma. Hang in there.

 

[Chava]

Thank you. I am having f--iiiing bad cramps, they don't seem to stop (my doctor wasn't available yesterday so saw someone else who suggested I might not be on the best hormone treatment and I should really do a laparoscopy. NO. I want to get out of my body. If pain settles i'll try some form of mindful movement. I did take my dog for a walk. I just feel really trapped and sh#t on. If I felt like I had support (my failure that I don't), I'd just ask for laparoscopy plus just take everything out! I just can't handle anything semi-major right now. But I should have gone that route a long time ago probably. So just reminders that I can't get through the more difficult things in life...just have to find some right semi-suffering that I feel like I can sort of manage on my own. I need to feel some sort of positive body connection but it just feels too bad almost all the time lately (for years, but worse in last month as I try this last hormone option). Everything I try stops working. I can't seem to NOT backslide. But I'll at least try to not set myself on fire.

 

[KwanYingirl]

What terrifies you about having a laparoscopy? Does the doc think you have endometriosis or fibroids? I've had a D&C for cramps, my uterine wall was thick with debris that I guess was old blood that never got passed and just clung to the uterine wall. Wicked cramps. I had the D&C and progesterone for a few months and then I never had any more problems.With any of these procedures it's invasive but lordy they give you so much valium you don't care a bit!!! On another point, are they sure your pain is Gyn or could it be bowel or bladder? A spastic colon causes horrendous cramps. You say everything you try stops working, but you haven't tried everything. You've drawn a line in the sand. Why? Just wondering thats all so I can give you comfort.

 

[Chava]

Okay, I've tried all non-invasive options, which I felt I had to try first. Pissed off if it's not going to work. I should still give most recent an option another month. It is gyn related. Ultrasound was abnormal (but biopsy showed no cancer) but that's all they could see without the laparoscopy. I feel beaten down by pain and don't think I'd tolerate the recovery pain without destroying myself. I don't have support and I also don't have a sub for work. I told myself I could do over vacation time next summer if this last option doesn't help. That's a long time. I wish I could settle down or feel strong enough to just take a week off and get the thing done. It's somewhere in the back of my mind...just don't feel like I can tolerate it now. I know it's a pretty simple procedure but I also know I can't tolerate much at all (recovery pain or much more medicating, or the meltdowns that come with pain). Felt like I was going to pass out a couple days ago...totally winded, dizzy. I don't even remember what I did to get through the day. I don't know why they never mentioned D & C. I think they'd do another ultrasound before that. But is D & C a step before laparoscopy? But maybe it wasn't an option for me, I just don't know much about it (doctor said I'm really on my last option without either laparoscopy or a shot to induce menopause early, which she does not recommend for me).