Piecing things together

HealingMama

Sponsor
Had therapy today. Told her about all of this. She notes that my experience of my relationship is very chaotic, and I do not seem like that about any other areas of my life. She is trying to help me grow in my connection to my inner truth, because I have been listening to him more over the years and it's time to value my own truth above his brainwashing. She noted how many roles I take on with him, and how it is not sustainable, which I know.

She asked me to connect to my internal truth, the stronger and resourced parts of me that don't get caught in this chaos to see what they say is the truth about this situation.

I think ultimately I am afraid to say I am truly done, because I do not fully understand how I was susceptible to this situation in the first place. He did such a good job presenting himself a certain way. I thought he was safe and thought I could trust him. I do not know how to trust my own perception or trust myself to keep me safe because I thought I found a safe, kind, caring person who was looking out for my best interests when I found him.

And that's clearly not true, at all, maybe never even was a little true, maybe he's always targeted me to exploit me somehow. Or maybe not, maybe that's just a side effect of self esteem issues in himself or something, but regardless of where it comes from I thought I had picked someone who had my back, who cared for me, and who would help make life better, and instead I have a nightmare. So it's like if I leave, I'll just fall for this same toxic crap again. I'm afraid that I will think I've found someone and it's another wolf in sheep's clothing.

My ability to trust has been shattered. Right now that's helping me see just how much of a liar he is.

My current plan and therapy homework:

Notice how I feel when I am strong and resourced, vs falling into chaos.
Notice what role I am in with regard to my husband. And then ask myself if that is the role I want to have.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
With regard to the relationship, we had a virtual marriage workshop before all this exploded, and agreed to keep communications positive. I haven't decided yet what I want to do, and I'm hoping to get more info about the other woman before I have to make a decision. We have another workshop tonight. He's being nice to me. The home is more comfortable when we are getting along. He does little favors for me, and generally the environment is less draining. So I am making a conscious choice to play wife despite all this horrible information coming to light.

The cognitive dissonance is ripping me in half, but I want to be thoughtful and strategic so for now I am playing a role just like he has been. It would be nice to see him get a better job, but it might be better for me emotionally in the long run to let it go, to file the papers, and get him served, and not even bring him to any legal appointments. I admit that it would give me great pleasure to blindside him after the depth of deceit that has been revealed.

I'm really curious to know why he didn't say anything about me texting the other woman while pretending to be him. Like what, that's so f----- bizarre, how can you not say something? How could he just not see that it even happened, if he's managed to keep their communication secret this long?

(Side note: Another red flag, a few months back I found an app on his phone called Calculator plus that is really a decoy app used to hide texts, call logs, photos, etc.. He had an active subscription for it. At the time he acted dumbfounded, then had a laugh at the idea he could manage a secret life with his ADHD being as severe as it is. Clearly on some level he has been doing exactly that. I'm such an idiot for believing him.)

Him not saying anything about me texting his little ego boost from his account makes me file a little tally under the "I married a sociopath" category.

I did a lot of crying last night. There's this whole long recovery process from infidelity, and they recommend not making any big decisions until you get through some of the infidelity recovery work, but the early stage requires the unfaithful person to admit what they did, to show remorse, to answer questions honestly etc. Like THAT is ever going to happen. No, this man doesn't see me as an actual person deserving of respect or he would not have lied, continued to lie when confronted, and gone behind my back to talk to a girl 20 years younger than him. Which is honestly really f'ing creepy.

It's just too much. I know that I have had a hard time leaving this guy.... but I do not see how I can stay after what I have seen over the last week. I used to believe his lies and manipulation that all of this chaos and drama is somehow my fault. But clearly he is impaired at best, sadistic at worst, and this is about him. He will just find another target.

I am strong. I am resilient. Manipulators like my husband target strong, confident people because they enjoy the challenge of breaking them.
There is nothing wrong with me for assuming good intentions in a relationship partner.
There is nothing wrong with me for assuming my relationship partner is trustworthy until I find out otherwise.
I have some healing to do, to make me less of a target for manipulative, invalidating people.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Update. Husband has been totally open and understanding about this secret friendship issue. We have had better communication than we have had in months. He's mostly doing all the right things. He continues to apologize for breaking my trust. There's still a lot of other problems but this one is being addressed well.

My T went on vacation and for the first time EVER in therapy, I had an attachment reaction. One of my protectors came out and has been growling at everyone. This one also feels really really bad when it's present. Like how chronic pain puts you on edge and like stretches you with a sharpness, it's like that kind of. I can't exactly convince the system the protector isn't necessary either bc things haven't been very safe.

I am taking a few days away for some r&r. I finally got the protector to go back inside. I am trying to not take my Xanax. I've had to take it a lot over the last week dealing with this betrayal crisis.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Update...
We have made some progress in therapy with the protector that generated a lot of anger and acting out in the system. It is no longer using it's role that way within our marriage. That's cool.

We have done some system mapping. We have a host, a gatekeeper, angry protector, dissociating protector, protector that is in charge of [email protected], a caretaker that gets anxious/angry (usually about order and tidiness), a perfectionist caretaker, a parenting caretaker, a needy/attaching part, a child part that carries grief, an anxious child part, a baby that carries shame.

I am having a hard time after therapy sessions bc I am really feeling good about our therapist, she feels safe and I haven't had that in a long time or maybe ever. The host doesn't let me talk enough. I appreciate that she is trying to make more space for us but she also shuts us down a lot and like how am I supposed to get better if I can't talk? How do I work through my issues if she's like oh I feel something go away? It's not very fair that she steamrolls us like that. She says she wants to improve communication but practically she isn't making much room for anyone else.

We see her texting in forums about being multiple and sometimes she has such nice things to say about welcoming everyone, being respectful of system parts, not judging. But she judges us. She doesn't like how we feel sharing the body with her. I guess she is afraid. We sometimes have caused some consequences the host was not happy about. But we are just doing our best to protect the system. Keep us safe. If she wants us to handle our roles differently she has to actually let us out here.


I'm sorry 😔 You're right. Thank you for sharing. I will work on this.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Wanting to acknowledge that sometimes when I am interacting with the outside world regarding the subject of parts, there are these moments of... Harmony? Cohesiveness? Like everyone in there is happy with what I'm saying or doing? They feel seen and heard and appreciated. It's a very distinctive feeling.

I believe the current "harmonic resonance" is a consequence of saying elsewhere that it's my job as host to make space to listen to my parts outside those areas I've asked them to not intrude upon (work and parenting and occasionally I ask them to stay out of my marriage for a day). It's so hard bc I do try to for example sit and journal to them, or with them, and it's hard to get information this way bc I am used to it being mostly somatic. But I will keep trying. We can't cooperate with each other very well if I continue to basically abuse my position as mostly in charge of the body, and I can't expect them to totally stay out of work and parenting spaces if I'm not listening in other spaces. The whole reason I'm in therapy is to get more internal cooperation, less puzzling interactions with the world, less internal discomfort and "noise" when they want something or don't like something, less inconsistency in my actions.

I need to develop a daily ritual to connect with them maybe.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
So I have a diary on my phone that I am using to attempt some internal communication. I can tell that they are interested in this, bc I have felt very destabilized since early yesterday with lots of "noise" and movement. I don't know what I am doing. I am so f**** uncomfortable in my body right now. So many emotions - contempt? Anger, sadness. I want to feel like me but I guess I can't just feel like me if I'm to understand the rest of this stuff better.

...What do we need...
Someone wants yoga. Someone wants an ice cream sandwich. Someone wants to play in the sand. Someone wants to throw dishes at the wall.

Part of me is above my body. It doesn't feel safe. I kept it together most of the morning but as soon as I stopped moving around and husband went to work, bam, discombobulated. It's like I have to try to talk with them when the house is empty.

We are very uncomfortable 😖
We don't have enough free time to do this! We work then have like an hour then we parent then we do have a couple of hours at the end of the day but if we work on this then, we get no recreation of any kind. I am rather envious of those that experience parts with voices so that it's much easier to know what they are driving at.
 

Widow_of_one

MyPTSD Pro
In other news, husband lied again on Monday. Caught him in the lie only when I asked him to prove what he was telling me. Then he wanted to argue that what he said wasn't a lie. I asked him to call 2 people and he said ok. I asked if he called them, he said yes, I asked what they said and his answer felt off so I asked him to prove he called. At that point he confessed he hadn't called the 2nd person. When I pointed out this lie, he's like that's not a lie, I just answered the question you asked. No, if you didn't do the thing entirely, and I ask a question that implies you did the thing entirely, going along with my assumption is a lie of omission. Of course at that point he complained that I have to make a big deal out of everything.

I said oh no sir, not this time, you are NOT going to sit there and imply I'm the problem here, when you are alienating everyone and sabotaging things and lying to my face, and when I point out how these lies damage trust you just lie some more. This is on YOU, and has nothing to do with me. Later he made some similar comments and I said this isn't my issue, this is the consequences of your issues not mine. Don't you dare imply otherwise.

I am getting stronger in my ability to resist his toxic brainwashing.

========================
Everything you says has happened to me! Omg! I recently re-read my old diary entries from 12 years ago and realized how much of my life/energy/time I wasted on “him”!! I had little to devote to making myself feel well and focus on MY life!
When you’re ready the answer will appear.

Yesterday, I discovered that calling him out on the half truth from the day before was not accurate. He actually did not try to communicate with the first person we discussed speaking to either. He acted so put upon that I'd accuse him of lying because he only did half of what I asked, when the entire time he was covering up for the fact that he actually did none of it. So the lie from the day before actually was two lies.

I have a hard time believing he even has a conscience at this point. It feels like all this talk about shame is just the story that he discovered I will accept, and that all the negative emotion is just frustration about getting caught. I hate not even knowing if my husband is acting out bc he's broken or bc he's taking some inner pleasure from making my life crazy.

In the process of finding this out, I also discovered a text exchange between himself and some girl who seems younger based on how she writes. They have been in communication since at least January of 2021. They have regular phone calls and text often, and he deletes the conversation. They both used hearts and kiss emojis in the conversation. Apparently most of their dialogue happens when I am asleep or when he is traveling without me. I confess that I pretended to be him texting with her a few times to see if I could get more detail about the nature of their relationship. It's not like I can confront him and get a straight answer, clearly.

My husband did not mention the girl when he got home from work even though I was texting her from his google voice number. He's acting like nothing unusual happened. I don't know if that's because he somehow didn't see the conversation, or he saw it and is happy that I know he's been hurting me and lying to me and didn't make drama about it, or what. I suspect the latter. He thinks he's gotten away with something. I do not see how he could reliably delete messages from someone he didn't want me to know existed... for months... and somehow miss that there were messages between them that he didn't write himself.

The interesting (devastating) thing about this, is I told him early in the marriage that I was not 100% monogamous, and that if he ever developed feelings for someone else to just come to me and we can discuss it, and he would not automatically be made to cut contact or something and in fact we could potentially open up the relationship to accommodate those needs. I made it very clear that I'd rather be able to consider more flexible relationship boundaries than have him go behind my back.

He had a free pass to sleep with someone besides his wife. All he had to do was be open and honest. And instead of doing it that way, he's gone behind my back for months. Maybe there is an alternative explanation but based on all these other behaviors, it's smart to assume the worst of information like this.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare.

========================
You are. When your ready you’ll wake yourself up.
 

Widow_of_one

MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday, I discovered that calling him out on the half truth from the day before was not accurate. He actually did not try to communicate with the first person we discussed speaking to either. He acted so put upon that I'd accuse him of lying because he only did half of what I asked, when the entire time he was covering up for the fact that he actually did none of it. So the lie from the day before actually was two lies.

I have a hard time believing he even has a conscience at this point. It feels like all this talk about shame is just the story that he discovered I will accept, and that all the negative emotion is just frustration about getting caught. I hate not even knowing if my husband is acting out bc he's broken or bc he's taking some inner pleasure from making my life crazy.

In the process of finding this out, I also discovered a text exchange between himself and some girl who seems younger based on how she writes. They have been in communication since at least January of 2021. They have regular phone calls and text often, and he deletes the conversation. They both used hearts and kiss emojis in the conversation. Apparently most of their dialogue happens when I am asleep or when he is traveling without me. I confess that I pretended to be him texting with her a few times to see if I could get more detail about the nature of their relationship. It's not like I can confront him and get a straight answer, clearly.

My husband did not mention the girl when he got home from work even though I was texting her from his google voice number. He's acting like nothing unusual happened. I don't know if that's because he somehow didn't see the conversation, or he saw it and is happy that I know he's been hurting me and lying to me and didn't make drama about it, or what. I suspect the latter. He thinks he's gotten away with something. I do not see how he could reliably delete messages from someone he didn't want me to know existed... for months... and somehow miss that there were messages between them that he didn't write himself.

The interesting (devastating) thing about this, is I told him early in the marriage that I was not 100% monogamous, and that if he ever developed feelings for someone else to just come to me and we can discuss it, and he would not automatically be made to cut contact or something and in fact we could potentially open up the relationship to accommodate those needs. I made it very clear that I'd rather be able to consider more flexible relationship boundaries than have him go behind my back.

He had a free pass to sleep with someone besides his wife. All he had to do was be open and honest. And instead of doing it that way, he's gone behind my back for months. Maybe there is an alternative explanation but based on all these other behaviors, it's smart to assume the worst of information like this.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare.

========================

you don’t honestly believe that a “dishonest” man could ever be “honest”, do you? Of course not, it’s like asking a dog to be a cat. This reminds me of my grandmother who kept hoping that her husband would stop raping his daughter, etc. I thought her pathetic until one day I “connected my Gm actions wirh my actions” - sort of like the kindergarten game of “connecting objects that are similar wirh a straight line”. I realized that by me continuing to hope that my best fiend would stop lying to me I was doing exactly what my Gm had done for 60 years!! Once I made that connection I dumped her once snd for all!
Like I’ve said: when you’re ready “the answer” magically appears!

Also, he knows you are “breaking” from him so he’s trying to line up another sucker he can mooch off of. Next time you get into his account try seeing his actions in the present day towards his new girlfriend as “the same way he treated you when you first met”. These types of peole aren’t that “deep”.

I also think you are giving him way too much credit! He is a lazy, two-bit bully who can only “attach to a healthy host” to sustain life. You’ve seen all of his “childlike” (manipulative) skills.

just be careful sometimes these types of people turn violent when you dump him! Dr Phil always says to make a plan and leave THEN let him know. I agree.

you will one day meet a nice man and it will shock you that MOST OF YOUR Probelems in life WERE because of “crazy people like your husband”. I MSYEKD HAVE BEEN IN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS AND MY WEIGHT HAS SKYROCKETED, my sleep became disturbed, I always had a bowel problem or a back ache. Getting rid of a bad seed is almost an instant cure!
On a happy note, I am so “happy” to read what you’ve written about “alters”. I have just discovered them and still wonder if they are real but by reading what you’ve written makes me see that I have been on the right path with them.

mostly, I am confused trying to figure out what to do and not do. Who do I lien to/53
So I have a diary on my phone that I am using to attempt some internal communication. I can tell that they are interested in this, bc I have felt very destabilized since early yesterday with lots of "noise" and movement. I don't know what I am doing. I am so f**** uncomfortable in my body right now. So many emotions - contempt? Anger, sadness. I want to feel like me but I guess I can't just feel like me if I'm to understand the rest of this stuff better.

...What do we need...
Someone wants yoga. Someone wants an ice cream sandwich. Someone wants to play in the sand. Someone wants to throw dishes at the wall.

Part of me is above my body. It doesn't feel safe. I kept it together most of the morning but as soon as I stopped moving around and husband went to work, bam, discombobulated. It's like I have to try to talk with them when the house is empty.

We are very uncomfortable 😖
We don't have enough free time to do this! We work then have like an hour then we parent then we do have a couple of hours at the end of the day but if we work on this then, we get no recreation of any kind. I am rather envious of those that experience parts with voices so that it's much easier to know what they are driving at.
i think you will begin to experience parts with voices after you kick your husband out of your life. I kicked out 2 long term friend of mine snd it seems like - ever since then - they’ve become more verbal. I think that I spent so much time on their issues and their lives that it took my “attention” away from me: which I think was intentionally done by me to keep my mind off the horrible truth until I was ready to see things.
I often experience “moments of clarity” (MOC) during the course of the day. They are a type of flashback that is positive and happy. For example, me at 16 working my first job at a grocery store. And, A fiend of mine from when I was 12! They are very brief and I think are integrating the good memories from my life into my conscious memory. (Sort of like seasoning a soup, bit by bit) It seems like I have no memory of any events from the past good or bad. I remember peoples name, schools, but as I take a closer look I don’t know “years! Now - thank god - all memories are returning slowly. It has been very upsetting since I experienced abuse by both my grandfathers friends snd my entire “extended family” including my mother! He pulled EVERYONE’s strings!

I will say that I think your husband serves a purpose in your life bc you said when he leaves you feel “discombobulated”. Get off your case, you’ve been through a lot so try to spend your “daily allotment of energy wisely.” I used to have an economics professor that said: imagine that everyday you have $100 to spend. So you buy a coffee for $6.00 take the bus for 15.00 buy lunch for 20, etc. some days you spend more than your quota. Think of energy as money. Spend your time snd energy wisely to accomplish what you want to accomplish during the day!
I think the stage you are at right now is just a stage. The key is not to focus on him it is to remember the past and come you do you will see these issues resolve themselves. You seem stuck. I was once that way as well I didn’t understand they suffering abuse as a child makes you “disassociated” and for msyelf I knew these “friends” of mine were no dam good but I’d forget and over time their “wrongs” towards me disappeared from inside of my head. (Aka amnesia) It is just because being disassociated makes you unable to fully process ALL EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE! Which impacts decision making. Focus on your alters they are the key to the real you and what they want. It’s been interesting to me to realize that I don’t remember much from my past and one day I figured out why. I was being abused and living in an abusive environment until I was 23! And been though I had no conscience memory of it some part of me did! I had forgotten but something inside of me remembered. Also, humans functioning operates on a basic principle: avoidance of pain snd the attraction to pleasure. If you see that your life doesn’t fit this “mold” then your not seeing it correctly NOT THAT THE SITUATION IS WRONG OR BAD. Clearly your husband serves a (valuable) function in your life. But saying you’ll kick him out or dump him is pointless until you are ready. My crazy friends and crazy boyfriends all served a function. As I started Remebering my past not only did my past become clearer but my present became (crystal) clearer as well. I always knew about there lies but I couldnt “connect” to them. The thoughts (to kick them out) were inside of my head but I couldn’t make it happen. Yesterday as I took a walk, I thought about how my entire life has been “misdirected”. I wanted to do Soemrhjng (ie learn guitar) but couldn’t. Yesterday while in whole foods I caught msyelf again: I wanted “soy delicious almond mocha bars” but was buying 2 things I didn’t want bc they were cheaper. This time I caught myself snd “remedied it”.
when I read your post about alters I was so thrilled to see that someone is at the same stage I am!! Now what? I try to listen to but don’t know who I should listen to. The main one seems to be a “non verbal” girl who I call “Star” recently she seems like she is talkng bit. The others’ seem to be protecting her even to the point of hurting themselves. I wonder why? I think by hurting themselves she stays silent bc they don’t want to overwhelm me. There is another one who I Remeber from when I was a child in catholic school: I idolize her because she doesn’t put up with any shit snd she sees people for who they are! (No name yet)
A young male baby who loves to hug dark skinned woman (like my mom).
Grunty - who seems to be only about food and perhaps memory Like tasks to do.
Another on who seems to be the reasonable one: once in the shower she said to me:

you had better accept that your grandmother helped you stay alive and sane.

I responded: I hear what you said and I understand but you can’t tell me she couldn’t do more.

that voice, was the key to the next step for me. I’ve learned that into you accept “the next step” you can’t move forward.

omg I lost my place while thing snd as i scrolled down I saw your comment about: one wants an ice cream, one wants yoga, oh my god that is how my crazy fiends were: demanding! Pulling me in all directions leaving me no time for msyelf!! See! Preople are in your life for a reason just like a “tool” in your toolbox. Omg! You are the best!! Thank you for being so honest snd forwright about your life I appreciate it!!
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
you don’t honestly believe that a “dishonest” man could ever be “honest”, do you? Of course not, it’s like asking a dog to be a cat. This reminds me of my grandmother who kept hoping that her husband would stop raping his daughter, etc. I thought her pathetic until one day I “connected my Gm actions wirh my actions” - sort of like the kindergarten game of “connecting objects that are similar wirh a straight line”. I realized that by me continuing to hope that my best fiend would stop lying to me I was doing exactly what my Gm had done for 60 years!! Once I made that connection I dumped her once snd for all!
Like I’ve said: when you’re ready “the answer” magically appears!

Also, he knows you are “breaking” from him so he’s trying to line up another sucker he can mooch off of. Next time you get into his account try seeing his actions in the present day towards his new girlfriend as “the same way he treated you when you first met”. These types of peole aren’t that “deep”.

I also think you are giving him way too much credit! He is a lazy, two-bit bully who can only “attach to a healthy host” to sustain life. You’ve seen all of his “childlike” (manipulative) skills.

just be careful sometimes these types of people turn violent when you dump him! Dr Phil always says to make a plan and leave THEN let him know. I agree.

you will one day meet a nice man and it will shock you that MOST OF YOUR Probelems in life WERE because of “crazy people like your husband”. I MSYEKD HAVE BEEN IN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS AND MY WEIGHT HAS SKYROCKETED, my sleep became disturbed, I always had a bowel problem or a back ache. Getting rid of a bad seed is almost an instant cure!
On a happy note, I am so “happy” to read what you’ve written about “alters”. I have just discovered them and still wonder if they are real but by reading what you’ve written makes me see that I have been on the right path with them.

mostly, I am confused trying to figure out what to do and not do. Who do I lien to/53

i think you will begin to experience parts with voices after you kick your husband out of your life. I kicked out 2 long term friend of mine snd it seems like - ever since then - they’ve become more verbal. I think that I spent so much time on their issues and their lives that it took my “attention” away from me: which I think was intentionally done by me to keep my mind off the horrible truth until I was ready to see things.
I often experience “moments of clarity” (MOC) during the course of the day. They are a type of flashback that is positive and happy. For example, me at 16 working my first job at a grocery store. And, A fiend of mine from when I was 12! They are very brief and I think are integrating the good memories from my life into my conscious memory. (Sort of like seasoning a soup, bit by bit) It seems like I have no memory of any events from the past good or bad. I remember peoples name, schools, but as I take a closer look I don’t know “years! Now - thank god - all memories are returning slowly. It has been very upsetting since I experienced abuse by both my grandfathers friends snd my entire “extended family” including my mother! He pulled EVERYONE’s strings!

I will say that I think your husband serves a purpose in your life bc you said when he leaves you feel “discombobulated”. Get off your case, you’ve been through a lot so try to spend your “daily allotment of energy wisely.” I used to have an economics professor that said: imagine that everyday you have $100 to spend. So you buy a coffee for $6.00 take the bus for 15.00 buy lunch for 20, etc. some days you spend more than your quota. Think of energy as money. Spend your time snd energy wisely to accomplish what you want to accomplish during the day!
I think the stage you are at right now is just a stage. The key is not to focus on him it is to remember the past and come you do you will see these issues resolve themselves. You seem stuck. I was once that way as well I didn’t understand they suffering abuse as a child makes you “disassociated” and for msyelf I knew these “friends” of mine were no dam good but I’d forget and over time their “wrongs” towards me disappeared from inside of my head. (Aka amnesia) It is just because being disassociated makes you unable to fully process ALL EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE! Which impacts decision making. Focus on your alters they are the key to the real you and what they want. It’s been interesting to me to realize that I don’t remember much from my past and one day I figured out why. I was being abused and living in an abusive environment until I was 23! And been though I had no conscience memory of it some part of me did! I had forgotten but something inside of me remembered. Also, humans functioning operates on a basic principle: avoidance of pain snd the attraction to pleasure. If you see that your life doesn’t fit this “mold” then your not seeing it correctly NOT THAT THE SITUATION IS WRONG OR BAD. Clearly your husband serves a (valuable) function in your life. But saying you’ll kick him out or dump him is pointless until you are ready. My crazy friends and crazy boyfriends all served a function. As I started Remebering my past not only did my past become clearer but my present became (crystal) clearer as well. I always knew about there lies but I couldnt “connect” to them. The thoughts (to kick them out) were inside of my head but I couldn’t make it happen. Yesterday as I took a walk, I thought about how my entire life has been “misdirected”. I wanted to do Soemrhjng (ie learn guitar) but couldn’t. Yesterday while in whole foods I caught msyelf again: I wanted “soy delicious almond mocha bars” but was buying 2 things I didn’t want bc they were cheaper. This time I caught myself snd “remedied it”.
when I read your post about alters I was so thrilled to see that someone is at the same stage I am!! Now what? I try to listen to but don’t know who I should listen to. The main one seems to be a “non verbal” girl who I call “Star” recently she seems like she is talkng bit. The others’ seem to be protecting her even to the point of hurting themselves. I wonder why? I think by hurting themselves she stays silent bc they don’t want to overwhelm me. There is another one who I Remeber from when I was a child in catholic school: I idolize her because she doesn’t put up with any shit snd she sees people for who they are! (No name yet)
A young male baby who loves to hug dark skinned woman (like my mom).
Grunty - who seems to be only about food and perhaps memory Like tasks to do.
Another on who seems to be the reasonable one: once in the shower she said to me:

you had better accept that your grandmother helped you stay alive and sane.

I responded: I hear what you said and I understand but you can’t tell me she couldn’t do more.

that voice, was the key to the next step for me. I’ve learned that into you accept “the next step” you can’t move forward.

omg I lost my place while thing snd as i scrolled down I saw your comment about: one wants an ice cream, one wants yoga, oh my god that is how my crazy fiends were: demanding! Pulling me in all directions leaving me no time for msyelf!! See! Preople are in your life for a reason just like a “tool” in your toolbox. Omg! You are the best!! Thank you for being so honest snd forwright about your life I appreciate it!!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and inspirations with me. It's so weird, the time I wrote that you replied to seems so far away. My husband has been totally cool for the last few weeks, mostly bc my protector isn't being aggressive towards him anymore. (I'm really thankful for that change too. My husband is not perfect and sometimes I wonder if he's got ASPD and technically he does meet the criteria for it, but he also is very kind to me generally. He tolerates me changing my mind entirely like ten times in a day. Earlier today I was coming onto him then I got triggered by system stuff and was like depersonalized for a couple hours and I'm like sorry, I can't really make good on that talk when I am in this headspace. And he's always been understanding about it. He's never acted entitled to anything sexual if I need to change the boundaries. He's buying me flowers regularly. He is starting a new job.

And you know, it's good. Bc I can't do my trauma work while my marriage is cray cray. So even if my husband Is ultimately bad for me, right now? Right now he's helping to pick up the slack at home that is created by my periods of dissociation and depersonalization while I'm doing therapy. I couldn't let go this much if I were solo parenting my kid. So even if we do ultimately part ways right now I am grateful for him.

I think? I made contact with a part a few days ago that said they want to be called Taylor. They said all this stuff about how they wanted to talk to the therapist without my knowledge to discuss things I don't know. I'm like eh, I am not ready to just hand over the body and I'm supposed to learn about the stuff you all carry anyway so why not communicate through me. Taylor was having none of that.

And then I think I'm just making all this up, of course.

Whew. I have therapy tomorrow and Saturday I'm leaving for a 9 day vacation. I hope therapy ends with the system feeling well organized but the last few weeks that hasn't happened. There's a part that is so attached to the therapist, a little that ends up feeling lost and stuck in the front when therapy is over.

My homework for therapy was to make a grounding box to help me transition from therapy to life again. My T suggested we play around with where I sit for sessions and how I sit bc currently I sit in an environment that is run by my managers and she thinks a different space will help different parts get activated.

Tonight I got triggered and I was like oh shit this again... But in time I came to understand that these parts carry so much for me so I can function, it's not fair that I resist them when they come forward. So I turned toward the part and idk exactly what happened but the congestion cleared and I felt more harmoniously myself, rather than host me fighting with the part and basically just refusing to be open to it. Once I softened it was able to share ... I don't even know... Something? And we no longer felt so depersonalized.

I feel so insane writing this stuff 🌰🤷‍♀️🤯
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Shamanic healing today. We collected a "baby part" from my dad and a "3 year old part" from my mother.

The imagery for the collection of the baby part was very intense. My shaman said in 25 years of doing shamanic journeys he has never seen anything like it. I'm basically left on my own to interpret things.

A dead baby? A baby that doesn't know if it's a doll or it's real? A baby whose blood has been drained. A physical altercation between "my father" and "my uncle" over returning the baby's blood back to its little body. A gathering of ancestors to provide enough blood for the baby to come back to life, because what "the father" was holding was not enough. I could tell from the look on the shaman's face between the two journeys that it was some really heavy stuff. He was so excited and bubbly that he'd retrieved 4 parts for the previous client. Then me. Me and my horribly dark psyche. I don't want to be special because my shamanic healing is grotesque and disturbing. He looked so heavy and sad after that journey. The sadness and heaviness permeated the room for hours after the session. His guides told him "this client has more trauma than they are aware of." Part of me wants to be a skeptic, I mean that is great for return business to have things like that being said. Idk. I was not expecting my baby part to be dead, and to be so mechanical it does not even know if it is real. A baby! If I truly experienced soul loss under 4 months old, no wonder I feel the way I feel.

Possibilities
1) I was abused by my actual biological father and have no conscious memory of it.
2) My father was stepping in to counterbalance the root trauma of not being able to have a loving bond with my mother, because she was using me for her own purposes.
3) My shaman just has a subconscious belief that I have hidden CSA so his journey reflected what he would assume that to be about.
4) I came into this life to help metabolize generational trauma, and it was too hard on my soul, so my ancestors had to help.

My life has been so full of shadow. So much darkness. My experiences haven't been particularly terrible but there is a theme of shadow. For years I was an uncontrolled empath, drawing heavy energies to me, I have worked with more than one healer who said I had a bunch of discarnates hanging out in my field. It's like I'm the living dead. But why.

I want to be full of vitality. I want to have strong, healthy boundaries around my body, mind and soul. I want to know where I stop and others begin. I want to be whole. I want to feel that I deserve to exist in these higher planes of joy, peace, contentment. I want to not be afraid of happiness.
Happy Mother's day to the moms out there!

I sent my T the description of the shamanic journey and said we don't have to discuss just sharing. I've been trying to get help interpreting it. I get conflicting information and lots of craziness, people thinking they are psychically adding more info but it's about a romantic relationship, someone saying my dad wants to come forward and set some things straight. Asking for help just made it all more confusing.

I awoke to a text from my mother asking for support. It's Mother's day, and I'm low contact in part so I can tolerate stuff like that, so I call her. We didn't finish the convo. She's sad that my sister is taking trips and not inviting her, when she did a lot to be able to afford to take us on trips. She delayed her retirement to help afford family vacations, cruises etc.

I get it. Wanting reciprocity is fair and valid. But you are incredibly critical, you complain almost constantly, you compete with the husbands and often try to insult them snidely whenever we are all together because you aren't getting all the attention.

You're also very needy now. You're medically complicated. It doesn't make a lot of sense for you to get in a car for hours when you are on oxygen and have swelling issues, cardiac issues, balance issues and you don't watch your diet so pushing you in a wheelchair is challenging.

You and your daughters end up in conflict that causes drama and who wants to risk that on a vacation? You pout, sulk, give the silent treatment and are so defensive you can't effectively negotiate conflict resolution in any sort of win/win manner.

I understand that most narcissistic people aren't like that on purpose. They can't help it to some extent. But you reap what you sow.

You were a cold mother, invalidating, manipulative, childish, needy, you tried to give us material things to make up for what you lacked emotionally and I respect that you were doing your best, but I am not surprised nobody wants to bring you on a trip. You make it about you, and if you aren't getting enough attention you have a health crisis. How many holidays did you end up in the ER. Not too too many but enough.

My mother has been better behaved the last few years. She has less power and has to rely on us more, and me having a son means I have leverage as I can withhold access if she pisses me off. I think it's pretty awful to think of it like that but I'm pretty confident that's a big reason she treats me better.

I see these women who say their mom is their best friend and I get so jealous sometimes. My relationship with women, and with my own inner femininity, is screwed up. Must be nice to have emotional safety with your own damn mother.
I also do Shamanic Journeying regularly with a group from my UU church. My Shaman does not interpret anyone's journeys in the circle but asks us what we think it means. He does not "look for abuse", and he would not "suggest" possible abuse by a family member." Similarly, hypnotherapists such as a trained psychologist are not supposed to "suggest" abuse before or after a hypnosis session.....because when you are in a suggestive state.....that can cause all kinds of issues with coming to false conclusions-and a super amount of confusion.....and eventually anger. When I journey, I journey with a protective Spirit Guide.....mine is an eagle .....and I go to my Sacred Garden (a safe place) to find or connect with lost soul parts. Soul parts do not have to be a "separate identify" like a specific inner child of a particular age.......which might be appropriate if you have first been diagnosed with DDNOS......and someone told you you had parts.......walk carefully, and do not find parts that don't exist......and with this......caution must be kept to not further divide you or confuse you. If you have lost happiness, then consider journeying to find a teacher, who can guide you in finding happiness or the sad part......or if you are not strong, consider journeying and finding a spirit guide who can make you feel more confident and give you advice on how to be brave in hard situations. If you need to let go of someone who has hurt you, you can go to your sacred place or to a teacher who can help you do an internal ceremony to let go of that person which causes distress. But, as I see it, journeying is a way to find oneself without interference in the process.

When I journey, I always set the intention for my journey with a question....what I want to learn....always.....my Shaman does not tell me how to journey or suggest journeys or suggest a question I should ask internally.........that is my job because it is my journey. My shaman asks me what I think my journey meant. Since he did not journey with me, he can not know what my journey was meant to reveal to me. I recognize that journeying can and has been an excellent way to deal with loss, grief, find resolution to anger, despair, and to heal though closing doors to the past....and letting them go......which allows me to feel more confident and stronger, more capable, and this process.....of me identifying my own shortcomings, my own questions, my own goals, writing them down after journeying, and of course journeying on them to find answers.....and me being the sole interpreter of my journey keeps things safe from other's "suggestions" and they are my all my own ideas and conclusions. I seek the answers in my journey......not an interpretation or analysis from anyone else. If you ask......eventually, you often will get an answer.....but not always. Those of us who choose to heal through journeying need to recognize that we are suggestible......anyone who deeply meditates, uses self-hypnosis, dream states, or journeying must analyze their own journey without influence. Most shaman's are not trained counselors, and even those that are may not be adequately trained in the harm that can be done by giving their own interpretation....nor do they understand that their own "helpful analysis" can lead you in the wrong direction.....lead you to more unanswered questions....turmoil from outside interference. While finding lost parts of the soul, it can be both a weird experience......and if you aren't careful......divide you into "parts" that you didn't have before, so be safe in your travels.....and do not ask the shaman to help analyze your journeys......I believe the Shamanic journey is the way you learn, grow, and change, and understand a better way of living..... from knowing a problem, and then actively asking inside or searching for the part that is lost and needs to belong, to make us feel more whole.

Oh, and about the son.....and power.....and what you are as a parent is supposed to be a positive role model. Right? Putting a child in the middle is not a positive way to handle your mother.....meaning that you have power.....so what.....you get pissed off and your child is hurt because he can't see her? Remember, what you do each and every day will be learned by your son. If you and he in the future, have a falling out.....and you are grandma, and he does the same thing......control access to his child...your grandchild.....how will you feel to have limited access to your grandson? That's a reap what you so kinda thing.....so you may want to rethink your actions.....
 

Empty Shell

Confident
Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.

Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.

I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.

Grief really hurts.

Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.

It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.

Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.

I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I want you to know that I can honestly say I know what you’re talking about. I don’t know how to use this site, how to cut and paste- but not know if you’re husband is safe or not? You’re example says it all. Belittling.

His remark. I know it’s one of many, one doesn’t just start wake up and start doing that, and you might be numb to the criticism. In fact, he may have called it “constructive criticism” in the beginning. He probably doesn’t even try to mask it anymore.

I’m not sure who/what you are grieving (or regretting?) in your life. I don’t know what I’m doing here but trying to reach out. I’m pretty much a loner in life. This might be my lifeline. And hopefully I can remain anonymous.

I’m grieving the loss of a life. My own. I’m an empty shell.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I want you to know that I can honestly say I know what you’re talking about. I don’t know how to use this site, how to cut and paste- but not know if you’re husband is safe or not? You’re example says it all. Belittling.

His remark. I know it’s one of many, one doesn’t just start wake up and start doing that, and you might be numb to the criticism. In fact, he may have called it “constructive criticism” in the beginning. He probably doesn’t even try to mask it anymore.

I’m not sure who/what you are grieving (or regretting?) in your life. I don’t know what I’m doing here but trying to reach out. I’m pretty much a loner in life. This might be my lifeline. And hopefully I can remain anonymous.

I’m grieving the loss of a life. My own. I’m an empty shell.
Hello! I am sorry it took me so long to reply. I did not know I had a post on this journal thread :)

I appreciate you reaching out! Yes in many ways my husband has not been safe. Very observant. Sorry to hear you are grieving loss of yourself. I understand and have felt like that too from time to time. Welcome and I hope you find what you need here.
 
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