- Thread starter
- #745
HealingMama
MyPTSD Pro
Had therapy today. Told her about all of this. She notes that my experience of my relationship is very chaotic, and I do not seem like that about any other areas of my life. She is trying to help me grow in my connection to my inner truth, because I have been listening to him more over the years and it's time to value my own truth above his brainwashing. She noted how many roles I take on with him, and how it is not sustainable, which I know.
She asked me to connect to my internal truth, the stronger and resourced parts of me that don't get caught in this chaos to see what they say is the truth about this situation.
I think ultimately I am afraid to say I am truly done, because I do not fully understand how I was susceptible to this situation in the first place. He did such a good job presenting himself a certain way. I thought he was safe and thought I could trust him. I do not know how to trust my own perception or trust myself to keep me safe because I thought I found a safe, kind, caring person who was looking out for my best interests when I found him.
And that's clearly not true, at all, maybe never even was a little true, maybe he's always targeted me to exploit me somehow. Or maybe not, maybe that's just a side effect of self esteem issues in himself or something, but regardless of where it comes from I thought I had picked someone who had my back, who cared for me, and who would help make life better, and instead I have a nightmare. So it's like if I leave, I'll just fall for this same toxic crap again. I'm afraid that I will think I've found someone and it's another wolf in sheep's clothing.
My ability to trust has been shattered. Right now that's helping me see just how much of a liar he is.
My current plan and therapy homework:
Notice how I feel when I am strong and resourced, vs falling into chaos.
Notice what role I am in with regard to my husband. And then ask myself if that is the role I want to have.
She asked me to connect to my internal truth, the stronger and resourced parts of me that don't get caught in this chaos to see what they say is the truth about this situation.
I think ultimately I am afraid to say I am truly done, because I do not fully understand how I was susceptible to this situation in the first place. He did such a good job presenting himself a certain way. I thought he was safe and thought I could trust him. I do not know how to trust my own perception or trust myself to keep me safe because I thought I found a safe, kind, caring person who was looking out for my best interests when I found him.
And that's clearly not true, at all, maybe never even was a little true, maybe he's always targeted me to exploit me somehow. Or maybe not, maybe that's just a side effect of self esteem issues in himself or something, but regardless of where it comes from I thought I had picked someone who had my back, who cared for me, and who would help make life better, and instead I have a nightmare. So it's like if I leave, I'll just fall for this same toxic crap again. I'm afraid that I will think I've found someone and it's another wolf in sheep's clothing.
My ability to trust has been shattered. Right now that's helping me see just how much of a liar he is.
My current plan and therapy homework:
Notice how I feel when I am strong and resourced, vs falling into chaos.
Notice what role I am in with regard to my husband. And then ask myself if that is the role I want to have.