Yesterday, I discovered that calling him out on the half truth from the day before was not accurate. He actually did not try to communicate with the first person we discussed speaking to either. He acted so put upon that I'd accuse him of lying because he only did half of what I asked, when the entire time he was covering up for the fact that he actually did none of it. So the lie from the day before actually was two lies.
I have a hard time believing he even has a conscience at this point. It feels like all this talk about shame is just the story that he discovered I will accept, and that all the negative emotion is just frustration about getting caught. I hate not even knowing if my husband is acting out bc he's broken or bc he's taking some inner pleasure from making my life crazy.
In the process of finding this out, I also discovered a text exchange between himself and some girl who seems younger based on how she writes. They have been in communication since at least January of 2021. They have regular phone calls and text often, and he deletes the conversation. They both used hearts and kiss emojis in the conversation. Apparently most of their dialogue happens when I am asleep or when he is traveling without me. I confess that I pretended to be him texting with her a few times to see if I could get more detail about the nature of their relationship. It's not like I can confront him and get a straight answer, clearly.
My husband did not mention the girl when he got home from work even though I was texting her from his google voice number. He's acting like nothing unusual happened. I don't know if that's because he somehow didn't see the conversation, or he saw it and is happy that I know he's been hurting me and lying to me and didn't make drama about it, or what. I suspect the latter. He thinks he's gotten away with something. I do not see how he could reliably delete messages from someone he didn't want me to know existed... for months... and somehow miss that there were messages between them that he didn't write himself.
The interesting (devastating) thing about this, is I told him early in the marriage that I was not 100% monogamous, and that if he ever developed feelings for someone else to just come to me and we can discuss it, and he would not automatically be made to cut contact or something and in fact we could potentially open up the relationship to accommodate those needs. I made it very clear that I'd rather be able to consider more flexible relationship boundaries than have him go behind my back.
He had a free pass to sleep with someone besides his wife. All he had to do was be open and honest. And instead of doing it that way, he's gone behind my back for months. Maybe there is an alternative explanation but based on all these other behaviors, it's smart to assume the worst of information like this.
I feel like I am living in a nightmare.
========================
you don’t honestly believe that a “dishonest” man could ever be “honest”, do you? Of course not, it’s like asking a dog to be a cat. This reminds me of my grandmother who kept hoping that her husband would stop raping his daughter, etc. I thought her pathetic until one day I “connected my Gm actions wirh my actions” - sort of like the kindergarten game of “connecting objects that are similar wirh a straight line”. I realized that by me continuing to hope that my best fiend would stop lying to me I was doing exactly what my Gm had done for 60 years!! Once I made that connection I dumped her once snd for all!
Like I’ve said: when you’re ready “the answer” magically appears!
Also, he knows you are “breaking” from him so he’s trying to line up another sucker he can mooch off of. Next time you get into his account try seeing his actions in the present day towards his new girlfriend as “the same way he treated you when you first met”. These types of peole aren’t that “deep”.
I also think you are giving him way too much credit! He is a lazy, two-bit bully who can only “attach to a healthy host” to sustain life. You’ve seen all of his “childlike” (manipulative) skills.
just
be careful sometimes these types of people turn violent when you dump him! Dr Phil always says to make a plan and leave THEN let him know. I agree.
you will one day meet a nice man and it will shock you that MOST OF YOUR Probelems in life WERE because of “crazy people like your husband”. I MSYEKD HAVE BEEN IN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS AND MY WEIGHT HAS SKYROCKETED, my sleep became disturbed, I always had a bowel problem or a back ache. Getting rid of a bad seed is almost an instant cure!
On a happy note, I am so “happy” to read what you’ve written about “alters”. I have just discovered them and still wonder if they are real but by reading what you’ve written makes me see that I have been on the right path with them.
mostly, I am confused trying to figure out what to do and not do. Who do I lien to/53
So I have a diary on my phone that I am using to attempt some internal communication. I can tell that they are interested in this, bc I have felt very destabilized since early yesterday with lots of "noise" and movement. I don't know what I am doing. I am so f**** uncomfortable in my body right now. So many emotions - contempt? Anger, sadness. I want to feel like me but I guess I can't just feel like me if I'm to understand the rest of this stuff better.
...What do we need...
Someone wants yoga. Someone wants an ice cream sandwich. Someone wants to play in the sand. Someone wants to throw dishes at the wall.
Part of me is above my body. It doesn't feel safe. I kept it together most of the morning but as soon as I stopped moving around and husband went to work, bam, discombobulated. It's like I have to try to talk with them when the house is empty.
We are very uncomfortable
We don't have enough free time to do this! We work then have like an hour then we parent then we do have a couple of hours at the end of the day but if we work on this then, we get no recreation of any kind. I am rather envious of those that experience parts with voices so that it's much easier to know what they are driving at.
i think you will begin to experience parts with voices after you kick your husband out of your life. I kicked out 2 long term friend of mine snd it seems like - ever since then - they’ve become more verbal. I think that I spent so much time on their issues and their lives that it took my “attention” away from me: which I think was intentionally done by me to keep my mind off the horrible truth until I was ready to see things.
I often experience “moments of clarity” (MOC) during the course of the day. They are a type of flashback that is positive and happy. For example, me at 16 working my first job at a grocery store. And, A fiend of mine from when I was 12! They are very brief and I think are integrating the good memories from my life into my conscious memory. (Sort of like seasoning a soup, bit by bit) It seems like I have no memory of any events from the past good or bad. I remember peoples name, schools, but as I take a closer look I don’t know “years! Now - thank god - all memories are returning slowly. It has been very upsetting since I experienced abuse by both my grandfathers friends snd my entire “extended family” including my mother! He pulled EVERYONE’s strings!
I will say that I think your husband serves a purpose in your life bc you said when he leaves you feel “discombobulated”. Get off your case, you’ve been through a lot so try to spend your “daily allotment of energy wisely.” I used to have an economics professor that said: imagine that everyday you have $100 to spend. So you buy a coffee for $6.00 take the bus for 15.00 buy lunch for 20, etc. some days you spend more than your quota. Think of energy as money. Spend your time snd energy wisely to accomplish what you want to accomplish during the day!
I think the stage you are at right now is just a stage. The key is not to focus on him it is to remember the past and come you do you will see these issues resolve themselves. You seem stuck. I was once that way as well I didn’t understand they suffering abuse as a child makes you “disassociated” and for msyelf I knew these “friends” of mine were no dam good but I’d forget and over time their “wrongs” towards me disappeared from inside of my head. (Aka amnesia) It is just because being disassociated makes you unable to fully process ALL EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE! Which impacts decision making. Focus on your alters they are the key to the real you and what they want. It’s been interesting to me to realize that I don’t remember much from my past and one day I figured out why. I was being abused and living in an abusive environment until I was 23! And been though I had no conscience memory of it some part of me did! I had forgotten but something inside of me remembered. Also, humans functioning operates on a basic principle: avoidance of pain snd the attraction to pleasure. If you see that your life doesn’t fit this “mold” then your not seeing it correctly NOT THAT THE SITUATION IS WRONG OR BAD. Clearly your husband serves a (valuable) function in your life. But saying you’ll kick him out or dump him is pointless until you are ready. My crazy friends and crazy boyfriends all served a function. As I started Remebering my past not only did my past become clearer but my present became (crystal) clearer as well. I always knew about there lies but I couldnt “connect” to them. The thoughts (to kick them out) were inside of my head but I couldn’t make it happen. Yesterday as I took a walk, I thought about how my entire life has been “misdirected”. I wanted to do Soemrhjng (ie learn guitar) but couldn’t. Yesterday while in whole foods I caught msyelf again: I wanted “soy delicious almond mocha bars” but was buying 2 things I didn’t want bc they were cheaper. This time I caught myself snd “remedied it”.
when I read your post about alters I was so thrilled to see that someone is at the same stage I am!! Now what? I try to listen to but don’t know who I should listen to. The main one seems to be a “non verbal” girl who I call “Star” recently she seems like she is talkng bit. The others’ seem to be protecting her even to the point of hurting themselves. I wonder why? I think by hurting themselves she stays silent bc they don’t want to overwhelm me. There is another one who I Remeber from when I was a child in catholic school: I idolize her because she doesn’t put up with any shit snd she sees people for who they are! (No name yet)
A young male baby who loves to hug dark skinned woman (like my mom).
Grunty - who seems to be only about food and perhaps memory Like tasks to do.
Another on who seems to be the reasonable one: once in the shower she said to me:
you had better accept that your grandmother helped you stay alive and sane.
I responded: I hear what you said and I understand but you can’t tell me she couldn’t do more.
that voice, was the key to the next step for me. I’ve learned that into you accept “the next step” you can’t move forward.
omg I lost my place while thing snd as i scrolled down I saw your comment about: one wants an ice cream, one wants yoga, oh my god that is how my crazy fiends were: demanding! Pulling me in all directions leaving me no time for msyelf!! See! Preople are in your life for a reason just like a “tool” in your toolbox. Omg! You are the best!! Thank you for being so honest snd forwright about your life I appreciate it!!
You're right. Thank you for sharing. I will work on this.
