Piecing things together

[Deanna]

He would say he is slowing down because me showing up interrupts his momentum and makes him realize he wants to take a break. I just am so starved for seeing firsthand an impulse to pitch in that it's especially difficult to see that happen regardless of the reason.

I'm super glad you hired a house keeper for Saturday! Yay! And had a good time with toddler. One day away from what's been going on lately proved you could do it and have fun one day.

 

[HealingMama]

Maybe instead of working on him and his stuff maybe work on your perfectionism. Once that's under control deal with the couple issues . I've read somewhere that anxiety can cause that sometimes. The last thing you want if you do leave him is to have that bleed over onto your child.
Just wondering...you said your dad died...is that the cause of your PTSD? Could that be why you're afraid to be close to your husband?

I'm afraid to be close to him partly because it hurts more when someone you're attached to leaves thanks to his death, yes. Partly because my mother was abusive. Partly because hes a chaotic, unpredictable person that causes crises in my life on a fairly regular basis. Like, my baggage tells me he isn't safe, but his actions do as well.

 

[HealingMama]

I'm super glad you hired a house keeper for Saturday! Yay! And had a good time with toddler. One day away from what's been going on lately proved you could do it and have fun one day.

Yes! Things were good til I needed my husband to help with discipline and he wasn't there for me, and then i found out he was traveling somewhere that he knew he wouldn't be reachable and didn't warn me. When I dont think about him or my relationship or try to get any of my needs met from him life's pretty good for the most part.

 

[Gs172003]

Yes! Things were good til I needed my husband to help with discipline and he wasn't there for me, and then i found out he was traveling somewhere that he knew he wouldn't be reachable and didn't warn me. When I dont think about him or my relationship or try to get any of my needs met from him life's pretty good for the most part.

What I have started doing is like you what hubby can't/ won't help with I pay for. If hubby doesn't like it, oh well. He'll get over it.

 

[HealingMama]

Toddler and I had a good time at church. Spouse continues to be disconnected. I've written a draft of an email asking for a divorce and discussing some preliminary logistics. I'm tired of trying too, but if he won't make an effort to address the problems anymore so that there could actually be fewer problems, I'm definitely done.

Thinking I will wait to file a little while so we can both figure out the logistics. Also, I need to take a weekend away. Clear my head, and just be responsible for me. Maybe I will wait to talk to him until after I do that.

I guess in the meantime I'll ignore him right back and focus my energy elsewhere.

 

[Deanna]

Sorry you're going through this but I think you're answer will give you peace. I wouldn't discuss divorce with him. Just file and he'll have to pay child support. You'll fight tonight discussing divorce. No word is going to make anything better, so keep that in mind.

 

[HealingMama]

Sorry you're going through this but I think you're answer will give you peace. I wouldn't discuss divorce with him. Just file and he'll have to pay child support. You'll fight tonight discussing divorce. No word is going to make anything better, so keep that in mind.

If I file now, he will have to pay based on his current job and his massive debt. If I wait he may end up with a better job through voc rehab. We also have some family trips planned over the next few months.

In the past when I stopped trying he eventually started trying again. It's kind of crappy though as he only responds to distance. Or, he used to. Not sure he will even respond to that anymore.

I know I can't manage to stay in this marriage without a lot of things changing. I can only work on myself. I need to spend more time with friends, have boundaries and stick to them. I'm not very good at boundaries. He's heard my opinion about the problems a bunch and doesn't seem interested in fixing them, or he's not able to, not sure which.

I wish I could get a sneak peak into what life as a single mom with full custody would look like. Would I be able to travel? Would I have a sense of vitality again? Would I have to miss a lot of work? Would I burn out from doing everything? Who would help my child with math homework? Would I end up dying lonely? Would my child get into some horrible accident on my husband's watch due to his attention issues? My husband once left his other kids at the grocery store for like an hour totally unattended. The oldest was 13 at the time. They had no way to contact us.

Or would I fall in love with life again, eventually meet a psychologically minded person who likes minimalism, likes meditation, likes spirituality, is self sufficient, is able to manage setbacks without falling apart for months or years, values verbal processing of values conflicts and unmet needs rather than avoiding and acting out emotions, could I ever even be open to the possibility of this?

As Zoogal said no one will ever meet all of my needs.

Do I really want to forfeit my chance at greater compatibility because the alternative is watching my son be abandoned? Will he really get his best interest if I stay in a relationship that is suffocating both of us?

Hard decisions.

From what I hear all the men are really terrible at proactive domestic support, planning dates, honoring special occasions, being other focused, showing empathy, apologizing, speaking on heartfelt topics vs trivia or facts, being vulnerable, and I'm sure that can't possibly be true, but some of my issue seems to be a consequence of male socialization that I'm likely to find in other people.

Things I should be able to find? Reliability, dependability, an action oriented person vs inertia oriented. But either you get passive and receptive/accommodating or you get willful and stubborn/dominating. I don't know how I would be able to connect with a dominating person.

The sad thing is, he's not thinking like this I don't think. He still says he loves me. I asked him earlier to text if he's going somewhere that I won't be able to reach him and he actually remembered to. He's held on to some level of commitment despite my doing some very damaging things. That should mean something right? Ugh.

 

[HealingMama]

My friend gave me a statue of Krishna and Radha, the Divine couple from the Hindu religion. May they bless my life with divine love and may I get over my ego to accept it.

 

[somerandomguy]

all the men

I have a problem with this. ?

 

[Deanna]

From what I hear all the men are really terrible at proactive domestic support, planning dates, honoring special occasions, being other focused, showing empathy, apologizing, speaking on heartfelt topics vs trivia or facts, being vulnerable, and I'm sure that can't possibly be true, but some of my issue seems to be a consequence of male socialization that I'm likely to find in other people.

Most of that stuff, women do. Are you sure your not looking for a woman?

Do I really want to forfeit my chance at greater compatibility because the alternative is watching my son be abandoned? Will he really get his best interest if I stay in a relationship that is suffocating both of us?

That is a hard decision.. But your son will hardly be abandoned.

I'm not trying to convince you of divorce, BTW, but you are pretty unhappy. How do you really think those family trips are going to go?

Edit: it sounds to me that you will leave him when he gets a better paying job so u get more child support.

 

[HealingMama]

I have a problem with this. ?

Hey, I thought of you as i was writing that. Glad you said something.

I also said it can't possibly be true.
It is a very frequent complaint but no global statement about an entire gender could ever be accurate. I thought I made it clear in the post that I don't ascribe to it as being true. We good? If not let's talk about it. I didn't mean any offense @somerandomguy

 

[HealingMama]

Most of that stuff, women do. Are you sure your not looking for a woman?


That is a hard decision.. But your son will hardly be abandoned.

I'm not trying to convince you of divorce, BTW, but you are pretty unhappy. How do you really think those family trips are going to go?

Edit: it sounds to me that you will leave him when he gets a better paying job so u get more child support.

I am definitely not sure I'm not looking for a woman. I think dating a woman would solve many of my problems. But it would definitely give me some new ones.

I am not sure I will ever actually get any child support from him, but if he is about to start a new job I want to see if that means *I* won't have to pay *him* because I have always been opposed to him making a smaller amount of money. He didn't stay home with kids by mutual agreement. The fact he owes so much means I'm not likely to ever see much, but I would at least like to see if I can avoid having to pay him something if I'll have the child 95% of the time. I've been a reluctant breadwinner for a long time. I'm not trying to take his money.

Yes I am very unhappy but I keep thinking what if I can fix it and be happy and save everyone a bunch of disruption. Ending it is probably the kinder thing, but it's hard to follow through on that until I know it's the only reasonable choice.