Piecing things together

[Deanna]

I am not sure I will ever actually get any child support from him, but if he is about to start a new job I want to see if that means *I* won't have to pay *him* because I have always been opposed to him making a smaller amount of money. He didn't stay home with kids by mutual agreement. The fact he owes so much means I'm not likely to ever see much, but I would at least like to see if I can avoid having to pay him something if I'll have the child 95% of the time. I've been a reluctant breadwinner for a long time. I'm not trying to take his money.

I wasn't trying to be mean when I said that. I do see your point. Thank-you.

 

[HealingMama]

And then there's stuff like this: Dead Link Removed married.

Apparently most people end up happy that weren't before if they stay long enough.

On the other hand, 60% of marriages where someone has ADHD end in divorce. It would be such a great change if my husband took responsibility for understanding what his condition does to a relationship. He won't hear it from me.

 

[HealingMama]

I wasn't trying to be mean when I said that. I do see your point. Thank-you.

I didn't think you were trying to be mean. No worries.

 

[HealingMama]

I am tired today.

Thankful for the chance to go to bed at 8:30 last night. The stress has aggravated my medical problems.

 

[HealingMama]

Had an opportunity to show him what his actions feel like yesterday. He was sharing how he feels about this personal growth book, and I kept looking at my phone the whole time. He never makes eye contact when I'm sharing something important to me so I made a decision to reflect that experience back.

He told me I made my point and stormed off.

30 minutes later I was explaining how his actions affect me and I looked over and he was staring at his phone again.

Right now, I think I'm really done here. I'm not getting through to him.

 

[somerandomguy]

@HealingMama .... Can I speak out of turn?

You're so invested in his actions and behaviors. I know you know that you can't change him. He has to decide to change. But you're so invested in his behaviors that I think you're ignoring yourself.

What have you done to manage your own PTSD lately? What kinds of self-care have you done for yourself?

To put it plainly, you can only work on yourself. What if you just concentrated on yourself and left him to his own devices? You're so angry at his lack of everything you need. But you're the only one who can actually give yourself everything you need.

You know all of this. Maybe you're using his problems to avoid yours?

 

[HealingMama]

@HealingMama .... Can I speak out of turn?

You're so invested in his actions and behaviors. I know you know that you can't change him. He has to decide to change. But you're so invested in his behaviors that I think you're ignoring yourself.

What have you done to manage your own PTSD lately? What kinds of self-care have you done for yourself?

To put it plainly, you can only work on yourself. What if you just concentrated on yourself and left him to his own devices? You're so angry at his lack of everything you need. But you're the only one who can actually give yourself everything you need.

You know all of this. Maybe you're using his problems to avoid yours?

Maybe you're right. I haven't had a lot of time for self care. I have been doing yoga, self massage, watching easy tv, and I am talking to my therapist. I have a therapy set up where I can talk to my T on a near daily basis.

I know I can't change him. I am feeling pretty good in my life when he isn't around. I am feeling calm and like things are mostly manageable.

If I leave him to his own devices then things won't get done. If I can't rely on his contributions then why am I paying his way? If I leave him to his own devices there is no reason to be married. You marry to be a team, to help each other and to be there for each other.

I told him last night I should take him off all my paperwork as an emergency contact because if a hospital calls him he won't answer and won't check his messages for hours anyway so he won't even be there for me in an emergency.

If I leave him to do his own thing i will be doing all daycare drop off and pick up. We will regularly be paying late fees to daycare because he won't remember to pay them on time. I will have to do all meal planning and cooking and cleaning or else he will decide to help but start late and then the kid goes to bed late. He will not initiate sex or meaningful conversation. I stopped initiating sex and he didn't even notice according to him. Since I stopped being the leader on that as well we have had sex once in two months I think.

So if I do my own thing what's the point of being married anymore? I can do everything without also having the stress of having a partner that I can't actually rely on consistently.

 

[HealingMama]

And yes you can speak out of turn. I value others making the effort to share a perspective that may help me see things in a different light. Feel free to do that any time @somerandomguy or anyone else.

 

[somerandomguy]

So if I do my own thing what's the point of being married anymore? I can do everything without also having the stress of having a partner that I can't actually rely on consistently.

For now, maybe it would help if you just thought about him as a roommate. You're so conflicted about divorce - why not take that off the table for awhile and just do your own thing? It sounds like it wouldn't make a lot of difference if he was there or not, so just act as if he was a roommate.

Sometimes people see their partners change and grow, and it spurs them to change and grow too. Or they don't. Either way, you're working in yourself.

 

[HealingMama]

For now, maybe it would help if you just thought about him as a roommate. You're so conflicted about divorce - why not take that off the table for awhile and just do your own thing? It sounds like it wouldn't make a lot of difference if he was there or not, so just act as if he was a roommate.

Sometimes people see their partners change and grow, and it spurs them to change and grow too. Or they don't. Either way, you're working in yourself.

I might try that.

I'm feeling much less conflicted about divorcing now that he's stopped making an effort to nurture any emotional connection. I stopped trying so hard and he didn't pick up the work I was doing. I'm really not interested in wasting more years of my life in a situation where I am the only one who is willing to put in the effort, and where I am not heard.

To have a successful roommate arrangement both people need to be decent listeners and take responsibility for themselves. There's even less payoff to having a roommate that leaves messes. I'm not very motivated to stay in limbo anymore. He's taken too long to try to address things. 3 years of child support problems he wouldn't address - he never once called them on his own, only when I asked him to. 9 months to get his therapy started. I'm not even feeling motivated to provide a place to live for him anymore right now. A roommate pays rent and splits the bills or compensates with regular contribution of other kinds. I cannot expect him to split the bills or reliably do other tasks.

 

[somerandomguy]

People have roommates who are slobs all the time. People have roommates they never talk to. I've seen it. In general, people are not emotionally invested in their roommates' lives.

It sounds as though you are enmeshed. That's never a good thing. What would it take for you to stop being your husband's emotional and physical caretaker?

 

[HealingMama]

People have roommates who are slobs all the time. People have roommates they never talk to. I've seen it. In general, people are not emotionally invested in their roommates' lives.

It sounds as though you are enmeshed. That's never a good thing. What would it take for you to stop being your husband's emotional and physical caretaker?

It is damn near impossible to not be enmeshed when one person has ADHD.

If this were just a roommate scenario I would have kicked them out or moved out myself a long time ago.

If his actions didn't affect my life and my son's life directly it would be much easier to stay disengaged. But he's stolen thousands of dollars that he could have used to help his son live a decent life all so he could avoid feeling yucky calling the child support office.

But I hear you.

Today, for example, if I hadn't been involved, he would have forgotten he had a voc rehab appointment directly followed by work, and would have either missed the appointment or been late to work. His employment situation has a direct impact on how hard I have to work to make ends meet, so being involved is in my own best interest. I can't trust him to remember it on his own. If I made enough to cover all the bills with ONE job whether he helped or not I would leave him to fall on his face.

Unfortunately when someone has ADHD they will simply not function without help. It is common for these mixed neurodiverse relationships to look codependent. Tough love doesn't actually make the person act better. They just self destruct without scaffolding from someone.

I am just resentful that the help isn't fully appreciated and he's got stubborn pride/ego stuff that makes everything more painful.

Edit: Based on the tone he has when I called him just now, he is running late even though I woke him and suggested he start getting ready since he had these things back to back. If I hadn't reminded him of the appointments the consequences would be even worse. People with ADHD need support. He's just a jerk about it and blind to what it takes from me to help him.