Piecing things together

[Ronin]

I think I broke him ?

I knoow you got a superhero in your avatar... but seriously, I dont think youre that powerful, to be breaking anyone. :) So dont take that on, change of others is not a fault of yours.

 

[HealingMama]

Would you be able to live physically apart for a while? Kind of as a trial run?

In my country, before you're allowed to file for divorce, you must have been "separated" (whatever that means) for at least one year.

This obviously involves a ton of other logistics, like finding new accomodations, moving, ... that are all majorly stressful in themselves. But it also may help to figure out if this is something you >really< want to do and would help ease your distress and (emotional) pain, or if there are other underlaying triggers.

Just a thought.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much :hug:

It would be difficult to afford that until the little one can attend school. We are in a state that doesn't recognize legal separation.

I think if we lived separately I would be less stressed, but it would be tough to decide how to divide parenting time.

I wouldn't have to see all his clutter. I'm an empath and really need a lot of space but when he's here my attachment system goes all whatever and I try to either cling or repel or I want him to want to hang out just so I can say no I need a bath. Ugh why do I have to be like this.

On the other hand I think if he had a job with a regular, consistent schedule where we were off at the same time a LOT of stress would go, because I would basically force a routine (he's said he wants routines too he's just had at sticking to them). Hobby night for him same night each week, hobby night for me same time each week, predictable schedules would calm some of the chaos considerably. He's applying. We will see.

 

[HealingMama]

I knoow you got a superhero in your avatar... but seriously, I dont think youre that powerful, to be breaking anyone. :) So dont take that on, change of others is not a fault of yours.

You're right, I shouldn't do that to myself. He says I broke him ?‍

 

[siniang]

Ugh why do I have to be like this.

Because you have PTSD :hug:

 

[HealingMama]

Because you have PTSD :hug:

Cheerio mate ?

 

[Deanna]

Cheerio mate ?

PTSD--
You think you are suppose to be perfect in this relationship so it is important to realize that you're not perfect. Do you have time for counceling? ( can't remember if you said)

 

[HealingMama]

PTSD--
You think you are suppose to be perfect in this relationship so it is important to realize that you're not perfect. Do you have time for counceling? ( can't remember if you said)

I am in counseling but not exactly an ideal form of it due to time constraints.

Yes I think I'm supposed to be perfect in everything. He doesn't understand these wicked high standards I apply to him I also apply to me.

I would love to have some extra time for a proper therapy arrangement.

 

[HealingMama]

I usually listen to a lot of hippie dippee yoga music, mantra, Ashana and her Crystal bowls etc.

This morning, I'm feeling this instead.

 

[HealingMama]

Searched the forum for the term "attachment" to see what has already been covered and my posts dominated the topic, so that wasn't particularly helpful.

Because you have PTSD :hug:

I realize that I was flippant about this and shouldn't be. You're right. I have a trauma disorder that can present itself as attachment weirdness.

I'm not a bad person. I'm a hurt person with a dysfunctional belief system that was required to survive a dysfunctional environment. And whether through repetition compulsion or bad luck, I've designed another dysfunctional environment for myself as an adult.

 

[HealingMama]

I knew he was awake, before he came out of his room, because I could feel all the toxic debris and emotional pain between us all stirred up, etheric cords or whatever. The lines of communication echoing the tones of the emotions felt when words were thought and said.

It's very uncomfortable.

And yet a lot of that is my own doing, my responsibility. I get so angry, I feel so alone, but then punish him when he comes towards me, or sometimes I don't but eventually I think maybe there is enough comfort and safety that I can bring up this issue

Hahahaha NOPE. Fat chance HM! Not HERE, not NOW.

Ugh him being here has it all so fresh again. I prefer the numbness.

So back to my past, the dysfunctional environment. When I wrote about that earlier it's like I've got a part that's trying to come out to talk to me about that.

Poor thing must be carrying a lot.

How can I even listen to my parts carrying my past crap when my present is so difficult?

I should at least try considering how hard I work to avoid really feeling these emotions.

So this part is very excited that I am thinking about my dysfunctional upbringing. There is a stuck scream trying to come out, a feeling of pure anguish, being trapped.

I made this part carry a lot of that so I could present a functional demeanor.

She is excited because she thinks maybe I'll take some of the burden of knowledge off her shoulders I think. She has a story to tell. She is very afraid. Nobody will listen to her or she isn't allowed to tell the story. This is like a body memory and I don't even know what event it is linked to. There were so many moments of fear, feeling trapped, where all I could do was shut down and carry on numbly. I guess this is what I pushed off, for someone else to carry.

This would be such a great fragment to do EMDR on. Too bad I couldn't tolerate my direct trauma therapy better.

 

[HealingMama]

It's very embarrassing being "out" on this site as a therapist. Especially days like today when I'm trying to understand more about what I said earlier - that my negative focus is trauma-related... I'm trying to make more connections happen around that, and I see other information and I'm like DUH! Of course that's what is going on here. So embarrassing.

I guess the problem is that even therapists are people, and some of them have trauma (many of them do actually). And it's hard to be fully conscious of all your stuff in every moment especially if you learned to split things off. So I have a limbic system override state, and a therapist self state, and they don't share much information with each other.

As time goes on, catastrophic thinking develops into a day-to-day coping strategy designed to help ensure that the person will never be placed in a dangerous situation again. But having catastrophic thoughts over and over can be paralyzing, leading to extreme anxiety, avoidance, and isolation. This may have the effect of undermining the coping strategy. How? By bringing back the person's sense of being constantly in danger and not safe anywhere.

Source

That's exactly what is happening. If I assume the worst, if I assume someone leaving the room means they are leaving my life altogether then I'm emotionally ready. My original experience was such a severe shock, that even now my internal resources are unconsciously trying to protect me from being shocked like that ever again.

But my gosh is it exhausting. Why couldn't my trauma be drowning or something that doesn't involve other people. People trauma is hard.

 

[HealingMama]

We had a talk. He doesn't feel safe. I'm not a safe person. Most of my unsafe behavior comes from feeling unsafe myself. It's his unpredictability and chaos that is the core of that, along with not having consistent communication or availability. The lack of response to my communication is probably the most painful, anxiety provoking part of all of this.

Because silence = abandoned = death.

If it ONLY happened through the ADHD I could deal, but it's also his preferred way of coping when he doesn't know what to say or when he's angry or when he needs to be sure he doesn't feel like he's "at my beck and call."

I need a partner that views availability to the spouse more like a tangential part of their role as protector. A way to be there, to be a safe base to find when needed. Not a rebellious teenager mindset thing.

He basically said he can do things to mitigate the ADHD, but will always be a last minute planner, last minute decision maker. That's just who he is. And I said I will always be anxious living life without a plan. So we are at an impasse.

I also said he deserves to be accepted for who he is, and there's a lot about him I can accept but this last minute chaos thing will always leave me destabilized.

Nobody yelled, so that's something. He has therapy tonight. I don't even mind if she tries to convince him we should divorce. I'm tired. We hurt each other so much.