Planning For Isolation

[Wastinglight]

A quick question for sufferers : do you ever plan periods of isolation from your partner? My guy has got a stressful week coming up - three appointments that he is feeling anxious about. He doesn't want to see me at all during this time. He has explained that he doesnt think he can deal with that stress AND have me around at the same time (just in case things get too much for him and he ends up lashing out at me).So I can understand his reasons (well sort of). It hurts like hell though, as well as triggering my own anxiety. I also wonder how this strategy can work when we move in together down the track. Has anyone been through a similar situation and how did they find a way to manage it? Thanks!

 

[mephoto]

I don't have all the answered here because I do really well with my symptoms, but living with someone is still very difficult for me and so are relationships. However, I will say that I feel like if he is telling you, that is a big deal. When I isolate, I just do it, I don't plan it, and I unfortunately for sure don't care how it makes other people feel. It sounds like he wants you to know he will be okay and is looking out for you. Maybe ask if he would be okay with a 5-10 minute phone call at some planned times, possibly send an encouraging text here and there without the expectation of a reply, and maybe make some plans for you this week to help pass the time. I don't know if that makes it feel less scary, but I hope it puts you at ease some.

 

[Powder]

I'm sure everyone who is self-isolating is different but remember that if you are in a relationship, you are always in "training mode" with one another.

Any time you accept a condition, that sets a precedent. Think hard before you accept his terms on this, because you are accepting that you will be pushed aside less formally in the future, and he will expect that to be acceptable to you, or else he will feel manipulated if you try to "change the rules."

I am the sufferer with a lifetime of PTSD. I was practically born PTSD, with birth trauma and nearly dying after birth, then maternal neglect, then paternal abuse, and onward into other abuse. I trusted nobody, and not myself, either. Though I didn't realize how reciprocal that was back then. I thought I could isolate and it would be fine.

My husband never accepted my tendencies to isolate. Whenever I pushed him away, he would say "I love you and I know you love me. I believe that you are doing this because you are upset, not because you really want me to leave you. I can tell that you want my support. I will not stop supporting and loving you just because you try to be alone. I won't ever leave you alone."

What he said varied, but you get the idea. His insistence that my self-isolating was not going to fool him has made the largest difference in my life and in my recovery.

I want to discuss this further, but I don't want to write too much on your thread, so I'm going to post about Self-Isolation elsewhere on the forum under "Other Symptoms" if you're interested in further discussion on this topic.

This is very important, and I can tell you are weighing the situation carefully. I highly suggest you NOT 100% accept his terms but "counter-offer" something more comfortable for you, such as a text message or voicemail message from him each morning to see how he slept and a night one to see how the day went. I would ask for short, one sentence updates on his progress each day, just so you don't have to worry that he's doing okay and to not feel stressed yourself.

Whatever you think will make it a happy medium for you both. The critical thing is not "what you get" out of the agreement, ie the texts themselves, but rather that you maintain some personal power in the relationship and stand your ground in your needs, asserting your value and the value of the relationship in balance.

I believe, like Joseph Campbell and many marriage counselors, in the trifecta: There's his personal needs, yours, and the relationship's need in order to survive. All three are critical. Nothing can be off balance. But, each of you has to make sacrifices to the needs of the relationship itself, which takes on a life of its own.

 

[mephoto]

Good perspective from someone who has been there. I liked to read what @Muse wrote. I think part of why relationships never work for me is because I need someone who pushes me to be a little bit open when it doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Push on this one, and the next isolation you may not be so lucky to receive advanced warning.

If someone pushed me on this one, a "normie" who didn't want to respect my wishes, someone who thought they knew better than me and "a little contact won't hurt"....they'd be GONE. No two cents about it.

Maybe @Muse has been dealing with this an entire lifetime, but she is not everyone else. Some people do well with a little pushing, some of us lash back even harder when you think you know what's best for the situation when you really have no clue.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My man needs to have some time "away" from me every now and again .. It's never usually more than 2-3 days, and he will sometimes talk with me on the phone during this window, but only to let me know he's "ok" .. We also have a plan in place for if/when we get married so that he will have a place (his own room, or a kind of hide-a-way room) where he can go to find solitude. I am completely ok with this - I need solitude too from time to time .. the key for us is good communication before and after (and if possible, during, but we also try to set "expectations" that we WON'T communicate during so that neither of us is inadvertently hurt or taking offense) ....

 

[mephoto]

How new is the relationship? That can make a big difference too. I'm dealing with a friend right now, who I've only known about a year, who refuses to accept when I isolate and it's making her intolerable to have a relationship with. I have other friends I have known most my life that could show up at my door and I would be happy for them to just sit with me and not talk for a little bit.

 

[Powder]

@Solara, I guess I could have made it clearer.

It's clear that each relationship is unique, so what works in one won't work in another.

If the supporter doesn't try any kind of reaching out, then they've already failed because they have joined into the self-persecution of PTSD. That's my point, and it applies to any situation. We say it all the time to college students, failing to try is, by default, failure. Better to try and fail, then always wonder.

When people generally push me to have contact with them, I feel intense nausea and panic, making me even less able to tolerate their presence. So no, I am not "different" in that sense. In fact I think I'm a control freak, and that has not improved, as I obsessively try to make my world feel less dangerous.

No, this is just what happens when the right person with exceptional qualities applying himself to the challenge of being in love with a freak like me actually succeeds in putting in the time, energy, and commitment to finally win some trust.

Do I think it will work for everyone most of the time, Not at all. But I don't ever say just give up right away at the first sign of a challenge.

But if she doesn't try, how's that gonna work out for her?

Maybe we should be honest and tell her that he'll push back? And it will be up to her to be able to hold her own and show him or her what she's made of?

I guess that's more than right of you, and fair, to admit.

I pushed mine back, too, Solara, and gave him hell. I won't repeat my words. I tested him real good until I saw that wasn't what I really wanted to do to either of us anymore. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I see it.

 

[Momofthree]

I have three children and am their soul provider so I don't have the option to totally isolate for more then a couple of hours unless I plan it out. When I'm vary stressed, to the point of almost braking I have a friend who will take the kids for 24hrs and I'll hide away. It has saved my life more then once! I don't know whats going to happen when my partner moves in... I guess this will be one of the subjects we talk about tonight after dinner. Thanks for the idea :)
So to answer your question: Yes, I do plan for isolation periods and I know (for me) it has been the only thing that kept me from either neglecting/abusing my children or harming myself. I would suggest telling him that you agree he needs the space and thank him for giving you a heads up before hand. Then let him know you want to have an 'isolation plan' in place for any time in the future where he feels he needs to isolate for your/ his safety.

 

[Powder]

@Momofthree makes an excellent point about needing time to oneself (for when PTSD gets bad?) And I think you do the best at addressing the situation and what kind of information was requested.

Having a plan for times of extreme symptoms and stress, which can strike anytime, is important.
I like how you show the seriousness of those times, and the need for help, which is validating.
I guess I see it different since my PTSD has waxed and waned over the course of my relationship.

To address the original question of how people make a plan for moving in together, I think the first year living with a new person is going to be a huge learning curve with various disorders. I've heard from people with OCD or other disorders. Their family of origin was "used to their foibles" but their new partner was baffled about why they need what they do.

My advice would be to listen to the other person's needs early on and to try to work with them, but to also expect the same, and both have to be willing to grow/change a bit for the relationship to benefit.

Many of the first year troubles went away after a while and we relax into routine. When it's cognitive vs. automatic, it's more work. Takes a while to get there.

 

[Friday]

A quick question for sufferers : do you ever plan periods of isolation from your partner?

Yes. Absolutely. 100%.

At present, I'm single, and I still do it. I hire a babysitter, for that, though. Upside about grown ups, one doesn't have to hire anyone to look after them! :D

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you all, I really value everyone's insight on this. Interestingly, on Saturday he asked me if I wanted to stay over on Monday night after all! He said he jumped the gun a bit by saying he wanted to be alone this week - on the basis of how he had been feeling. He's been feeling a lot better the past few days - a lot more chatty and less distant. I have a tentative invite for Wednesday night as well.

Hopefully his appointments will go well this week, but I am now in a better place with my anxiety, so if he turns around and asks for a few days alone after all, I think I will be okay with it anyway. I can see that he's trying his hardest to make this relationship work. I always appreciate having this forum to turn to for reassurance, so that I don't have to rely on him for that as heavily, during times when he's struggling. So thank you all again :-)