Pleas Help Im Really Scared :(

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

*BEFORE you keep reading, this might be triggering*
(sorry if i posted this in the wrong forum)
I was on the bus today, and I mentioned in my last post, I disclosed that there was (SA)in my past for the first time at T last week, honestly. I havent spoken openly about it since I had to report it to the police 6 years ago..since then Ive tried to pretend it didnt happen. But I...
Im so scared :( Im so frightened, I feel like Im going to jump out of my skin and I just have to get up and run away.

But....Im just so lost :( so anyway, I was on the bus today and this man got on the bus and he had all these bags and I was behind him and he kept moving back and his pants were almost in my face and suddenly I freaked out I started getting this huge flood of memories, and I grabbed onto the pole and felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I was trying to focus on ANYTHING on the bus anything ...I was just panicking...I felt like I couldnt get away...I wanted to get up and run out of that bus.

I have T in a day...and I had such a horrific week full of this...full of all these things, and sometimes I get there and when she asks me how my week was, I freeze and choke...and I dont like writing things down for fear I will imagine them again...I dont know what to do!!
One time, I had a vivid memory where everything was black and white..and I literally saw and felt his hands on me....Im too scared to tell T this...what if she thinks im a freak.

Can anyone identify with this black and white memory thing and ...wanting to run away and panic..
:(

Im so scared guys, I wish I didnt have to do this by myself. :cry:

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

DontGiveUpOnMe - I am so incredibly sorry that you have to go through this. I am not really in a position to give your much helpful advice at the moment.

Just wanted to tell you that it wasn't that long ago that I revealed some of the SA to my T for the 1st time and I was not expecting it at all - had not planned it. She just asked some really tough questions that day and I couldn't lie. I had the same fear about writing things down and for the T is know some of my thoughts and about the nightmares and panic attacks out of fear for what she might think of me and believe that I am crazy. My thoughts were actually so far from the truth - she didn't think I was a freak at all - I think that she always believed that it was already happening but just that I had not discussed it with her.

So my advice would be to tell your T in any way you can - I felt like writing it down - no details just point form was the easiest way for me - I didn't physically have to say it. Again sorry you have to go through this. Am thinking of you.

 

[29 year medic]

Hello,
PTSD is old to my body but new to me! I've had it for a while and recently diagnosed. I've suffered so long because I wouldn't share with my T. I though I was smarter than him and told him what I wanted him to hear. You have to let it all out and remember, it's all between you and your therapist... it's the law.
The only understanding person you MAY know, is your T.
Think of your Therapist as a mechanic who wants to fix your car, but you won't tell him/her what's wrong with the car! Car won't get fixed! Right?...
The more you let out the pain, the less it will hurt in the long-run. It may hurt letting it out at the time, but it WILL open the future to a clearer path to healing.
If you trust your therapist, open up and come clean!
Hope you find these words comforting and helpful.
Medic

 

[Sterre]

Dontgiveuponme:
Can you manage to practice grounding techniques?

It must feel very scary to relive the whole thing again, and to be flooded with such intense memories, but this is the present, not the past. Besides the memories and flashbacks, nothing can harm you.
Sadly enough the harm is already done in the past ((( hugs for you))))

Can you look for a way to deal with the intense emotional response you have during the flashbacks? May it help to easy the anxiety to remember yourself that this is the present and not the past?

Here in the present you have the power to say NO to someone who wants to abuse you. Here in the present you have the power to protect yourself, and to take a stand.
This is not the past where you didnt have this power. The memories, althoug very frightning, can not harm you physically.
You are safe now, altough it doesnt feel like that, it is. This is the present, the abuse has stopped, you survived. You are safe!

It may feel very unreal to remind yourself of the fact that you are safe, when the anxiety is racing trough your body, but it may be worthwhile.

Good luck!

 

[mamachick]

I am sorry that you are having this experience. Sometimes I push things away because I am afraid that if I focus, I will become depressed. Yet I end up somewhat depressed anyway. (not the same as panic but can be destructive as well.) I use to journal everyday for years and it was very good for me. I dont like to anymore because Im also afraid of becoming depressed.

Then when I get to my T-I wonder, what the heck am I doing here. So I try to give myself an hour before my appointment to jot down the triggers or negatives that I have been avoiding and I actually take this little note card with me. Could you go to your appointment an hour early and sit in the waiting room and write these things down. It does not have to be thorough. You would be at the safest place I can think of.

You need to share all of this with your T. She will not think badly of you in any way. Believe me, your T has heard it all, and is there to help you, will not judge you. Please give it a chance. Sometimes it is hard to bring up so we just need to blurt it out. A good T will know where to go with it. It does take a leap of faith-but it will be worth it.

 

[Helliepig]

Hey dontgiveuponme, I know it's really hard dealing with all this. Sometimes therapy sessions sort of set off a bit of an explosion and for a time after lots of stuff floods up, and it can feel unbearable and frightening. It has happened to me several times.

Things that help include - realising that although it feels current it it OLD STUFF you have already survived - just that the parts of you that are releasing these memories don't realise that yet. Realising that it is better out than in - that it "coming up" is positive and shows signs of your brain processing things. Writing it all down - even if you burn it - helps because it makes you have to engage the hippocampus part of the brain in order to put it into words which helps bring it towards integration, that just enduring it - often for a few days at a time before it settles down - is all you have to do and just by sheer dint of doing this, a few days later the "bite" has been taken out of it and the brain can then start to make sense of it. As a child you feared it was forever, as an adult you have to keep telling yourself it isn't and take each day one at a time as it won't necessarily last very long at all.

My T has helped me with safe containers, safe places, certain body postures to adopt and tapping sequences that really help reduce feelings- but it is also true that by just enduring them they eventually lessen. Your task is just to keep going, keep refocusing yourself on the present and grouding yourself in the here and now.. . and physical activity helps - throwing things, allowing yourself to flail arms and legs or shudder, that helps too - sounds silly there is some belief trauma replays the freeze of frightened animals and getting movement back unlocks the trauma. I have found all these things help.

It is really positive you are feeling these things, honestly, however hellish it is (and I know exactly how hellish it is) it is THE way forward. You endure it coming out like this and then gradually you realise some bits of your nightmare have improved or gone - you have earned this by your courage and fortitude. This is ALL you have to do, learn to face all those feelings bit by bit, step by step. The real danger is long gone, all you are doing is freeing up the parts of you that live as though it is ever present.

 

[myself]

~hugs~ sometimes life is pretty hard. I have been having a hard time with triggers seting off panic atacks and flashbacks and talked to my theripist about it. I haven't been able to go into details with her about the trama and what I see in the flashbacks yet, but she was still able to give me some tools to try and help me cope. I feel like the tools gives me cognitive disinance, but haven't given up yet. one tool she gave me for getting thru the panic is to try and distract my mind, because she says the mind can not do 2 things at once and it will re-tain the mind; she has me do "the ABC's", thats where you go say each letter of the alphebet following each letter with the name of a food or animal that starts with the same letter. it is really hard to do when freaking out, but she says it gets easyer with time and should help pull me out of it. Another thing is to tell one's self that they are safe and that nothing bad is going to happen; much easyer said than done in my opinion, but it is worth a try.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

DontGiveUpOnMe - I am so incredibly sorry that you have to go through this. I am not really in a position to give your much helpful advice at the moment.

I have Sa in my background as well. Sorry you have to deal with this. I have flashbacks and anxiety attacks.
Journaling helps. Studying helps. I read whatever I can get my hands on. Wishing you well.