Relationship Please Help Me. I Am At A Loss.

[rebecca9012]

I am new to the PTSD world, and I was doing research online about helping people to cope with it but, I didn’t really get anywhere. So that is why I am here J

So I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 months now. He is currently still in the Army. He served in Iraq, so that is where his PTSD came from. Everything was great when we started dating, but recently it seems like he has a “hot” and “cold” button. I haven’t seen him for about 2 weeks now.

He has been in a really bad rut lately especially, Saturday night where he was suppose to come over to my house, but never showed. I get a text message 5 hours later saying he had fallen asleep. I was very irritated that he didn’t let me know that he wasn’t coming. I just don’t know how to deal with this because one minute it is yes I’ll come over, then a minute later it is I’m not feeling all that great. It is very frustrating, and when he sees that I get frustrated, he gets mad and yells you just don’t understand.

I would really like to understand, but he just won’t give me the time of day to explain anything to me. How do I get him not to push me away?

 

[amethist]

Hi rebecca

I have moved your thread ot here as you will get replies as a supporter from supporters.

It is tough holding onto a relationship if you are suffering with PTSD for many many reasons. Some can, some can't. A relationship with PTSD in the mix is like no other you will have had before or likely to have in the future, it is a whole different ball game.

Maybe reading the link below will help you see how good stress of a relationship as well as bad stress from his trauma can have the same effect.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

Take some time to read the different section in the Supporters area, taking note of the sticky threads at the top of some of the sections. Learning how this illness can effect them will help you understand some of what he does is how it is, though some of it he should learn not to. Difficult but possible.

Learn how to take care of yourself while he is trying his best to cope with his own issues. It is not easy for him at all, so try and give him some space, but dont be walked on either.

Take care

Amethist.

 

[sisu]

Hello rebecca9012,
You asked how you get him to stop pushing you away - the simple answer is, you can't especially if he is not being treated for his PTSD. He needs to get therapy and take meds or do whatever they tell him to better manage his PTSD. Until that time he will be all over the place emotionally because his PTSD is in control.

My advice to you is to learn as much as you can about PTSD so you have a better understanding and some tools to deal with it. AND to take care of yourself ~ go out with your girlfriends, get a mani/pedi, see that movie you want to see, etc. Also listen to what he tells you - if he wants to be left alone, then leave him alone. He may be overwhelmed and need to find his center again. If you listen to him he will emerge from his "alone time" much quicker.

If you decide to continue in this relationship you will need the patience of a saint, the skin of a rhino, a good sense of humor and a strong personality or sense of self. I'm not trying to scare you or be a downer - just speaking the truth.

Take care,
Sisu

 

[rebecca9012]

Thanks for the advice from both of you.

Sisu, he does go to therapy every so often, but I am not sure it helps all that much. He was on medication, however he does have a toddler, so he didn't want to be out of it, since he has full custody of him. I think it has been triggered bad lately is because the son's mother has him for about 2 weeks.

 

[sisu]

Hello,
My boyfriend was also in the Army (well technically still is, but is in the retirement process right now) and he has combat PTSD from his service. He takes the meds that the VA precscribed (and there are a lot of meds) and he also has kids and he is able to function fine. The meds don't put him out of it - unless he has to take an anxiety pill for a bad panic attack. The normal ones though seem to be fine. Plus it allows him to function fairly well in the chaos and stress that kids innocently create. I would encourage him (your BF) to get more therapy and consider taking the meds for a few months to see if he feels a difference. In the beginning they may make him feel weird, but that goes away when his body adjusts. This will help him better manage his PTSD - and maybe help you and your relationship with him too.

I will tell you that although the "hot" and "cold" is much better with my boyfriend and I, it is still there at times of high stress. We are in the midst of one of those times now. I still talk to him everyday on the phone and I still see him on our normally scheduled days - but his calling has decreased and he is sort of "vacant" or distracted when I am with him. Luckily he does talk about why he is feeling that way and hopefully he will feel better soon. One of the huge stressors is his pending retirement from the Army - he is getting medically discharged and a lot of his future is dependent on his retirment pension. So I totally understand why he is stressed and vacant - however, it still is difficult at times even though I know why.

It took us a very long time to get to the point where he was able to tell me what was going on and not just disappear without warning. He still doesn't give much verbal warning - but I am very aware of the physical warnings so I know when its coming. I still read something about PTSD every day and I have known this man for 5 years. I don't think you ever know it all - but I am trying to learn all I can about his PTSD.

So, read and learn as much as you can about PTSD - then try to learn about your boyfriends. Watch for his reactions and you will see his body language changes or other changes. We women are pretty intuitive which helps. And always take care of yourself!

Sisu

 

[rebecca9012]

I am just not sure how long I can keep holding on. He told me he is afraid to come over to my house, I don't really understand that. I want to suggest that maybe he tries some kind of medication, but I don't want to sound like the a**hole girlfriend.

 

[sisu]

Only YOU can know if and how long you can hold on. My boyfriend is still going through a tough time, and I don't see it changing for at least another week. If I call him, he rarely answers his phone - but he will eventually call me back. In his presense he is distracted but for the most part still loving and himself. When he is stressed he breaks away from all technology - phones, computers, etc. I have even been there when he won't answer calls from his family and he is very close to his family. So even though it hurts my feelings when he lets it go to voicemail, it helps to know that I am not the only one being treated that way. I am going over to his house tonight for the weekend - hopefully we can talk a bit about this. It's not easy when things are like this and I am struggling with it right now even though I know the reason.

I am sorry you are going through this. I KNOW what it feels like. I love my boyfriend but if it were always like this I don't know if I could stay.

 

[rebecca9012]

At least your boyfriend will see you. I am going on almost 3 weeks now of not seeing him, and i asked him if I could come over tonight, he said he doesn't really know yet. Like i wish he would stop tip-toeing around my feelings and just tell me no. I am just so frustrated and I am leaving to go to Boston and New York for the month of July, and I have lost all hope to see him before I leave. Is that wrong of me? Because I just don't think it is going to happen.

 

[myvetswife]

Like i wish he would stop tip-toeing around my feelings and just tell me no.

Welcome rebecca

Maybe he doesn't know what he would like himself. Like my hubby always says. Go away I want to be alone, but stay with me. Both is feeling wrong for him.

We have been living with it for 20 years know. It got diagnosed 4 years ago. He just stopped therapy and is off meds now, only does herbal stuff. There will be always days/weeks, where they behave "strange". It will never go away. It can become better.

Get him to go to the sister site combat ptsd. He will find guys there, which know exactly how he feels and maybe it will help him.