please help me i don't know whats going on :(

[juno]

so my reactions to triggers have been dying down recently. i used to nearly break down on the spot and have panic attacks but now i just shut down and detach myself completely.

to go into more depth, when triggered, i will usually just zone out for nearly the whole day. i feel like i'm just going through the motions; kind of like i'm on autopilot. i feel like i'm watching myself carry out daily tasks instead of actually doing them. nothing about my vision or hearing is impaired at all but i am unable to respond to people, and if i feel like i have to, i have to force it out. sometimes for some reason i feel like i have to be super quiet so during this triggered period i will respond in a whisper but i don't know why i do it??

i thought this would be worth noting: due to a really strained relationship with my parents when i was younger (they were not and are not abusive, it's nothing like that), my instinct is to hide my emotions and act like everything is okay, so i'm able to fake happiness and stuff like that very well, so i dont know if what i'm experiencing is actually real.

if i get triggered in the middle of class though, i'll just sit there and stare at nothing. my close friends have told me i have this blank, dead look in my eye, like i'm daydreaming. i'm hyperaware of the fact that it's happening but i can't bring myself out of it and i'm afraid i'll get found out and people will think i'm crazy.

the worst part of it is feeling isolated. i'll either feel trapped and boxed in, or i'll feel like i'm an outsider looking in. sometimes it's even feeling like there's a glass wall separating me from the rest of the world and i can't be a part of it. as a result i start to withdraw and isolate myself. i lost one of my closest friends because of this.

i guess my question is, does anyone have any idea what this might be? and does anyone else experience this at all?

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I experience other things than this also, but it could be periods of dissociation, and dissociation actually itself occurs sometimes for most people, but it is on a contunuum/ spectrum. Do you have a doctor or therapist?

Welcome to you.

 

[Vero]

I can relate to the feeling of being disconnected from others and watching yourself doing stuff, at the beginning this would get me really anxious but now I got used to it. I get really confused and almost dizzy so it's hard to concentrate on what I have to do.
I also sometimes stare at nothing and I was told I look really upset even when I don't feel like that, I became so self-conscious about it that in social situations I can't help but try to smile all the time which is even more embarrassing and it is fake but I can't control it. So I understand....

 

[grit]

@juno
I am sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds like dissociation and you are becoming aware of but yet unable to stop or stay so it seems like you are getting glimpses of reality and yet the power of dissociation is strong.
it is weird but I was living under dissociation so long that I was not even aware of until I went to therapy and broke down sort of like what you are experiencing. I was coming out and yet could not sort of and was struggling so much. To me dissociation was like being dead but walking. Nothing inside but yet moving.

Now I can dissociate still but it is rare and also I learned how to cope with it by acknowledging the feelings that are triggers rather than focusing on dissociation itself. However, I developed feelings of deep sadness (I do not call them depression because I am aware of my sadness and can tell it will go away- there is no permanency to it) but my dissociation has evolved to deep sadness that comes and goes usually after therapy.

IMHO, the only way I could recover from dissociation was therapy and also my husband allowing me to pass out on the couch because I am allowing deep primitive memory feelings to wash over me like abandonment or panicky feeling - body memories that I had no recollection of them.

however, another thing that allow me to move through it, I was abused violently and acknowledge that (I had very overt trauma no confusion) even though I remained with my parents as an adult and denied my feelings - they poured over eventually in therapy like a broken faucet.

You may not have a trauma in your past but it is possible you have some body memories (that may be OK today for an adult) but could be deadly for a child to experience. It is really important to acknowledge how you may have felt as a child versus as an adult and listen to your body to tell the difference.
From what I learned in child development, dissociation is so primitive, it is not something an adult can learn, it is something a baby learns for the lack of any other way of coping with difficult time. it is one of the earliest defense for humans.

 

[juno]

thank you all for your responses. i truly appreciate it.

@Tinyflame : i’ve heard of dissociation but i don’t know exactly what it is. yes, i have a therapist :) i’m very thankful for her. what do you mean by dissociation is on a spectrum?

@Vero : yes, i get very confused too, even if i am able to somewhat process what is going on around me. other times i can’t process at all and am completely unresponsive. i also get dizzy sometimes; one time i was nearly unable to walk by myself. it sucks. i’m very sorry you became so self-conscious about it. i don’t know what you have gone through but if you need someone to talk to and feel comfortable sharing, i’m here :).

@grit : that sounds about right (the glimpses of reality, and starting to become aware yet not being able to break myself out of it), though i don’t fully understand what dissociation is. i can relate to your deep sadness though; for me it manifests as weight in my chest and my limbs feel heavy and weak and shaky and i just feel awful. the sadness i experience usually happens throughout my ‘triggered period’ and lingers for a while, but the weight in my chest is permanent. you are very strong for being able to push through your trauma day by day. it’s very inspiring. also, what are body memories?

 

[Mee]

You could have a read about disassociation? There are different ways to disassociate and its a normal thing to do.

Doing it A lot and to our detriment is not satisfying way to live though and can be unsafe, for example, disassociation while driving could in crease risk of an accident.

 

[juno]

@Mee : that's a good idea, i should do that haha.

yes i'm starting to understand now. thank you so much for your response! :)

 

[Justmehere]

yes, i have a therapist :) i’m very thankful for her. what do you mean by dissociation is on a spectrum?

Have you asked your therapist about what you are experiencing? It could be dissociation (which is something almost every does to some degree, even without PTSD.) It could also be something else.

 

[Tinyflame]

what do you mean by dissociation is on a spectrum?

Justmehere described it better:

dissociation (.. is something almost every does to some degree, even without PTSD.)

For example, not remembering the drive in to work, but you know you drove there. Almost everyone can recall such an instance.

And questions like, does it happen often? Are you aware after the fact? Is it better explained by something else- stress, illness, preoccupation, distraction/ lack of focus, exhaustion? Etc.

 

[katz]

This all concerns me because it was what I went thru when I was growing up. I understand what the dissociation "could" be. However, if you don't have an idea what these "blackouts" are - be sure and get checked by a doctor. You want to be sure that these are not petite mal seizures.

When I was growing up, I did exactly the same thing and just zoned out. My close friends knew about this and knew what to do - and what not - to do. I was on medicines for quite a few years. They just kept adding them. When a "new" doctor diagnosed my PTSD, she removed all but one of the meds. Since then I haven't had one of these "episodes". That was over 25 years ago.

I don't know what you have, I just think that you need to eliminate any physical problems that might be there. I got an EEG to check for any abnormalities in my physical brain. I suggest talking to your doctor first, before you decide what kind of therapy you need or want. You want to be aware of any other problems that could affect your safety and well being. Good luck.

 

[juno]

@katz thank you for your concern, i really appreciate it. i think that getting checked by a doctor, just to make sure, is a good idea but my parents probably won't let me.

the fact that you haven't had an episode for this long is amazing!

thank you so much for your insight, this helps a lot :)! have a great day!

 

[katz]

@katz thank you for your concern, i really appreciate it. i think that getting checked by a doctor, just to make sure, is a good idea but my parents probably won't let me.

the fact that you haven't had an episode for this long is amazing!

thank you so much for your insight, this helps a lot :)! have a great day!

Juno, may I ask how old you are? You say that your parents won't let you see a doctor?