Please Help Me Process This Horrible Situation

[shiraz]

My man took a friend to a neighboring developing country yesterday. The friend released a CD in this country last year along with some locals, which topped the charts immediately and was soon band for being too political/liberal. The friend is easily identifiable as he is a Welsh Rasta with blond dreads down to his ass. The neighboring country is small and so he is easily recognisable and well known there.

Yesterday my man and friend left for their destination without a clue where they would stay or which route they would take. I shouldn't worry, they would call as soon as they arrived and give me the contact details for the place they found to stay at - my man gets all laid back and Rasta on me when with his friend which is why I did not join them - I want him to enjoy his space and Rasta activities without having me getting triggered and messing it up for him.

However he did not call and late in the afternoon I received a text alert from the tracking device on the vehicle to say that the vehicle alarm had been activated and the co-ordinates of the vehicle showed that it was in the neighboring country. I called my man immediately but it went to voice mail. OK, so now I am panicking - were they hijacked? Was the car stolen at the boarder? Are they kidnapped and the alarm was deliberately set off to alert the tracking company? Was the Rasta noticed and somebody sent to deal with him??? .... I don't know and I am terrified! I have disastrous thoughts and I know that I might be dramatizing, so I am trying to harness my imagination, but it is not being cooperative.

I spend the entire night texting and calling without result and eventually resort to going through all his old emails to find any contacts he might have in that country. I was a mess ... couldn't stop sobbing and PTSD flaring up badly - adrenaline chasing through my body, shaking and nausious and trying to keep breathing properly. And I'm thinking, I am the only person on the planet that knows they are there and therefore the only person who can affect action if they are in trouble. I am feeling the weight of this responsibility and going into PTSD melt down and I have an extreme desire to find a dark closet and I can feel my brain switching off and it terrifies me even more, as i am the only person who know that they did not arrive safely.

At two in the morning my mobile rings and it is him - 'so sorry, forgot to call.'

I am freaking MAD! I am totally relieved he is alright, but so freaking MAD!

I woke this morning with huge puffy red eyes and have spent the day doing nothing. he called me to say he has had the best time ever, and that he is on the road and will be back around 10pm and all I can think to do is not be here when he returns. I am not sure why.

All I know is that I am feeling vulnerable and afraid and I can already feel my emotions switching off. I really have no desire to punish him - I simply don't want to be here when he returns - perhaps it will be too much to see him???? Perhaps I won't know how to respond to him???? perhaps I dread his warm hello embrace, when all I want to do is hide away and not be touched????? perhaps I dread his anger when he sees how much I have allowed this to affect me????

I am so confused and although I desperately want to leave the house, i am going to stay and wait for him ... but he will find me cold and distant and I can't bear the thought of his reaction to that. but how do I respond diferently ... I am shutting down. I fear that I am losing trust too and I have worked so hard to trust him in all things.

When he realises this, it will make him even angrier .... i can't cope with his anger. I am afraid and frozen and beginning to dissociate.

Now I am feeling guilty as I know that when he returns he has work to do for tomorrow and he has to leave for the airport and 3:30am for a day away business meeting and if I am a mess it will compromise his ability to work and get to bed for a few hours sleep.

But I also know that I must not deny myself and that he made his own choices around timing and must live with the consequences ..... but that thought does not help me at all ..... I don't seem to be able to process it at all.

I am just so confused and I don't know how to respond.

please help!!!!!

 

[bonnecanyon]

Are you kidding me? He said he would call and he didn't - under the circumstances I would be very upset too - especially considering the possible life threatening political danger he was putting himself in. Did he say why the alarm went off? Or why he didn't answer your calls?

Try not to let this consume you, but I think you have a right to an explanation.

Best,
BC

 

[helena]

Hi Shiraz,

I agree with BC and I would have been out of my mind with worry too.

I would be there when he comes back and make him understand what you have been going through. He can never put you through that again.

(and IMHO this has nothing to do with you having ptsd because your reaction would be the same as any other woman) In fact, I would probably go further and say that it would have been irrational not to worry given the current circumstances in S.Africa

Take care

helena

 

[BethRSA]

I also would have been totally freaked out! I pray and trust that he is/will be back home tonight.

I'm glad that you decided to be there when he gets home. It would have meant that you would be driving around in the dark and putting yourself at risk in order to make a point or to distance yourself now, but eventually you'd have to see him.

Please take care of yourself. I do understand about losing trust in him. He did NOT think!:crazy:

You and W have come a long way together. IMO, it may help to talk about (and/or write) how it made you feel.

:Hug_emoticon: We're here for you!
Beth

 

[Mina]

Shiraz, I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this :Hug_emoticon:

I think the bottom line is, what do you need him to do or say for you to be able to process this and put it to rest? Do you need an apology? A promise to be more mindful? For him to understand how very serious this was to you? To realize what you went through as you feared for his safety? Then you have to figure out how to get to that result.

Sometimes when my DH screws up, I don't really know what it is I want from him to "fix" it. Then everything goes haywire from there, because I don't know what resolution I'm looking for. But, if I can stop and figure out what it will take for me to be satisfied with the situation, it can be easier to resolve it and get through it (granted, yes, this is few and far between). :rolleyes:

 

[a3a2]

SHiraz,

I ache for you. To a much lessor degree, I know the frantic fear. I hope the two of you are able to process this experience together.

 

[shiraz]

He came home last night late elated with his good weekend - I was happy to see him, hugs and kisses. Then he asked me what I did on the weekend and without a thought I said, "nothing ... oh, except worry a lot, cry a lot, search you email archives for any contacts you have in neighboring country and think about the fact that I was the only person on this planted that could do anything for you if you were in trouble." ..... then went on to tell him how afraid and terrified I was and how the PTSD symptoms increased ..... oh yes, and how it wasn"t all bad as I learnt a valuable lesson about my fears.

he wanted to know what lesson so I told him "I learnt that I want to run away and hide because I fear strong emotion in myself and in others and running away would protect me from that."

Well, he didn"t respond to me at all and eventually I asked him if he would say something and he became really angry and then everything went pear shaped with a lot of mean words from him. I know he feels bad and I know that one of his triggers is being stuck in a corner with people thinking bad things of him ... so I told him that he was not in a corner and that I loved him and that I just needed the truth about what happened and that was when he told me he had been thinking and he thinks I need to go get my own life .....

well, that is about the worst thing he could have said. I need stability and predictability more than anything. The uncertainty he creates with such statements wobbles me so much I have thoughts of packing a bag and just leaving before he wakes. I have spent the night fighting my Amygdala - fighting off self harming and suicidal ideations. I wished I had handcuffs to cuff myself to the desk i slept under last night - then I could rest and know that I will not bolt because I had no choice to. I wept myself to sleep for the second night in a row and this morning texted him to say that he left me again, thinking this relationship is over. He called to say that he was tired last night and that I should never have confronted him in that state .... WTF! I have been beside myself with worry and he has the audacity to first tell me that he hasn"t had such a brilliant weekend in years and then to tell me that I should"t have confronted him with my problems.

I couldn"t stand another confrontation, so I agreed, we will talk tonight. I am still left wondering if he really meant that we should split up and even if he didn"t - I believe that the subconscious speaks when we are erratic like that and if that is what is in his subconscious I am terribly afraid.

This man toasted me on my birthday last week, put a ring on my finger (right hand) and promised that this was a prelude to the BIG one (engagement) which would be before the year was out.

I am so confused. I am told that people don"t always mean what they say. I am told that people say mean and hurtful things in the moment that they do not mean. I don"t get that! I never say anything I don"t mean. I guess I am just too controlled for that.

So this "get your own life" comment is plaguing me today. It is playing round and round in my head and that fearful part of me wants to illuminate further possibility of pain by packing up before he arrives home and going far, far away where I can get my own life and never be hurt again.

I will not do that. That will destroy him (he has a past too and I know this action would destroy him). so I will wait for him to return and fight my freaking Amygdala who insists on both protecting me with the "bolt mechanism" and on destroying me with the self-harming and suicidal ideations.

F**K PTSD!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for all the comments and affirmation and encouragement - Beth, you are right, we have come so far and I believe that we will be together forever (damn Amygdala not agreeing) Mina, yes, you are right I need to figure out what i need for this situation to conclude well.

Thanks All
(hugs)

 

[Jestadud]

The whole point of the arrangement was for his safety and to ease your worries, if it happened to me I'd be so damned annoyed I'd probably go ballistic.
Its hard to get through to some people that its not about checking up but more about checking in.

 

[Nicolette]

To me 'calling in' is about respect and common decency.

 

[onebravegirl]

I say focus on the positive. He is alive, and although he acted like an ass, there is nothing you can do about it so try and move forward. No need to make problems that you can't fix, it will just cost you more stress. A relationship is give and take, and it may not be fair, but it sounds like it's your turn to take it. Sorry I don't sound more sympathetic, just trying to be practical.
O

 

[a3a2]

Hey, Shiraz, I feel for you. But, having lived with someone who sounds pretty similar to your guy...I'm going to be blunt.

I think he was caught up in his travel, and forget to call. I don't think he purposely forgot you or PURPOSELY caused you emotional harm. I suspect he was completely taken off guard upon his return, and exhausted. I suspect that his "make your own life" comment is not a "dump", but an encouragement for you to be independent, as well as in a relationship with him. He doesn't want your world to revolve around him, cause he knows he's not perfect and will fail you. I think he could be a lot more understanding....but he is a man. Sorry, they just aren't always that tuned in to things. Particularily in understanding the emotions of women.

 

[Ursa]

I am thinking here... What does he mean by "get your own life"?

I know it can be very confusing and also create instability towards the relationship if he means for you to go out of his life. But it may also mean that he thinks you need to start doing things for yourself rather than using your energy to worry about him that much.

Maybe the best would be to take some time off for yourself, do things you enjoy, let the anxiety get more controlled and then have a conversation with him rather than just pack your stuff and dissapear.

I can see that you know that some of what you are going through now is the PTSD speaking rather than anything else. Maybe in a more serene time you could tell him how important is for you to have consistency from him for the sake of the relationship.

I wish you well.