Wow this sounds very complicated and painful.
But, she is not coming back to fix this for you or to rescue you. If she couldn't even keep the relationship safe when you saw her, what makes you think that she is coming back in any way shape or form to help you heal? This kind of like trauma bonding. Expecting our abuser to come back to us and be the savor and things get back to what they were.
thanks, I actually don't want her back at all. I have a new therapist that I am working with. I am working on healing myself and going back to school and making pragmatic changes in my life to avoid the insomnia and other issues.
another thing I wanted to clarify for others: when I said she hugged me at an event, I want to explain: she knew at this point that I had feelings for her and I had told her that I hate to be touched. She does not usually hug people, she doesn't even shake hands all that often. So her hugging me was highly unusual and confusing. At that same event she introduced me to her daughters, having me sit beside them at a crafting table. To me this seems to suggest that she did not have concerns about me violating her privacy at all as she was still at that time, over a year after terminating therapy; confiding in me about her home life and family. (Telling me about how one of her kids needed grounding after a speaker and her teen boy needed constant reminding about things, etc.)
My unwillingness to trust her co-worker's word about things pertaining to her has to do with the fact that in this town nearly 90% of the people I know have been to this place, know the same people and I have witnessed numerous hipaa violations and ethical issues. It was my primary care provider who expressed concern about the withholding of my records from my counselor and encouraged me to seek mediation, which is in their policy to provide.
editing to add:
When I say she told me thing while in therapy, I mean:
where she gets coffee
where her kids go to school
her ex-husband's vasectomy and a nickname only used in the bedroom
her best friend's name and about her kid
where she goes for massages monthly and if she doesn't go monthly she'll throw up after
that wednesdays was mini-pizza night
they had two cats and a "fish with a shell" (turtles as pets are illegal here)
that she shops on saturdays and cooks on sundays
what restaurants she likes
that if she gets turned upside down she'll pass out
her youngest has a heart condition
her oldest is afraid of birds, put herself through college with beauty contests and they watch The Walking Dead every Sunday night. Their favorite character is Darryl. (I do not watch that show)
her son likes lifting weights, once jumped out of a second story window because he thought it'd be faster than walking down the stairs.
her middle daughter likes playing the Sims
when I asked how many kids she had she said that usually when asked she just says "lots", then went on to explain she has 4 but two are hers and two are adopted.
she's a tetrachromat
she's very sensitive and keeps salt in her desk drawers to block negativity
she does not use birth control
she has a gastro-intestinal disorder
her parents were "hippies"
she has numerous tattoos
she usually wear dresses at home and likes to go barefoot
she and her youngest get private ballet tutoring
she doesn't like certain co-workers
she hates having her office moved
All of that was volunteered by her. Sometimes she would interrupt me while sharing something and turn the conversation back to herself.
When offering advice she'd say things like "I want you to..." or "I need you to..."
After terminating therapy she continued to accept small gifts from me. Including the last time I saw her in person.
