Other Please Help!

[Sabrina0712]

Good day,
My name is Sabrina...I am married unhappily for 16 years...I am 40 years old. I met this one guy online about 3 mths back who I fell immediately in love w/. He has PTSD was serving in the military and is now on disability leave. So basically has allot of time on his hands. He was so kind to me but I lied to him from the get go. I told him I was single, no kids and much younger than what I actually was. I did it cause I thought he was a safe bet being so far in OK…not realizing how hard I will fall for him later on…I wasn’t looking for sex. I was looking to find someone to have a more intimate conversations with. In less than a mth he found out everything...everything I lied about my age/my marriage/my kids. I was so scared cause I sent him pics and texts and I was afraid he will tell my husband everything…he threatened to tell him everything if I left him. I gave him the option to leave the day he found out...I told him I couldn't tell him which was the truth cause he told me his first wife cheated on him and he hated that. This guy is 30 of course much younger than me and has allot of time on his hands. He still wanted to stick around and actually paid me a surprise viist to CO. He came and we had a good time...but he was always getting upset about why I was still w/my husband. The chemistry between us was great! I haven't been w/allot of men including him I have only been w/3. My marriage to my husband was completely arranged by my religion. I was unhappy for a long time and I thought I finally found the perfect guy. He had trust issues didn't like the fact that I went out w/my friends and any guys I spoke to he thought I was flirting and I am not like that. After he came to see me the first time he came back again to CO and he left again in anger. Just out of the blue just left w/so much anger towards me that he sent my husband a text stating tell your wife to leave me alone and she is talking to other men. At this point I didn't care I don't know I was honestly blinded here was like my dream guy we had so much in common n he was everything what I wanted in a man...attentive, caring and just wanted to know everything about me. I told him things about my kids, my family everything, I confided in him about so many things but most importantly my body...I lost allot of weight after having my kids but I was still out of shape and felt so insecure about my body...always had cause the way I was raised by my mom who constantly put me down. I told him all that. That is why I have been w/so few men cause I never ever ever thought of myself as attractive. After he came here to CO second time...i went to visit him in OK. There my husband found out everything...I was devastated but yet relieved that I dont' have to hide anymore. When I came back I told my husband I want a divorce and I was so happy that I get to be w/this guy...but less than a week later...he told me he has been talking to someone else and not to contact him anymore. I did all he asked me to do, I filed for divorce, treated him w/respect, cooked for him did everything and now he wants me out of his life. I asked him why and he told me I was the ugliest person he has ever been w/. I was old and he was not attracted to me at all. Nothing about me he liked...he said he hated everything about me. Kept calling me ugly and he was w/someone who is so much more attractive and caring when all I have been was caring towards him. Never made him insecure or anything. He kept saying I have the one of the worst body he has ever ever seen. Just completely put me down...the one thing I kept telling him I was insecure about he used it against me and called me everything I was insecure about.
So now I can't contact him he said if I tried to contact him he will send my husband all my pics and texts where I will lose my kids...so I haven't contacted him but I still have no clue what I did wrong and now when I am doing what he has wanted me to do...he left me in such a horrible way.
I want him back…I don’t know if this is his PTSD…but I want him back. How do I get him back. I have no way of contacting him. I did so much for him I treated him kindly…did things for him that no other women have n he has told me that in the beginning. I got him a new phone n as soon as I did…he changed his number n now I have no way of contacting him ever.
What can I do please help me…this was a guy that was so into me n just like that he stopped caring for me. I asked him last time before he ended everything did he ever love me n he said never.

 

[anthony]

My simple answer is this... you're a liar right from the beginning of the relationship, were married and cheating (what you did was a form of cheating) and well... why in hell would the guy want anything to do with you? It has nothing to do with PTSD... I wouldn't want a thing to do with you either if I met a lye from the get go.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm blown away by the fact that you're risking your kids for some guy.

There's nothing you can do at this point except move forward.

Do you know how it feels to be catfished? It effin sucks. I was only lied to for a week before I figured it out, but still.....it shatters your trust in anyone you meet online. Sadly my current guy has had to pay for the acts of those before him. You may think it's harmless, but catfishing never is. And, it's very selfish. It blows my mind that people catfish.....yeah, you feel better, but you treat someone else like dirt in the process.

 

[Leigh925]

Seriously the best thing you could do for yourself is seek counseling. You can't build a relationship on lies and even if that weren't an issue the fact that he used your biggest insecurities against you as he was leaving is a sign that he is not healthy either.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Almost everything in your post is about you. I…I… I… I…, all about what you wanted and were willing to do to get it. None however is honest about your behavior and its impact on those in your life. How is the fallout for them? Are the kids ok with all this drama?

 

[Anarchy]

What can I do please help me…this was a guy that was so into me n just like that he stopped caring for me. I asked him last time before he ended everything did he ever love me n he said never.

Hi Sabrina,
:hug: for you, not for your actions.

You come accross as someone who is deeply hurt, and who has some very big self doubts. have you often felt this emptiness and this need to take drastic measures?

The wish to be rescued is not unusual. unfortunately it almost always works out with people getting hurt. Life just doesn't tend to have knights in shining armour and everyone living happily for ever after, much as we might wish it could. Trauma has a way of repeating itself time after time, you just got to find that out the hard way.

Do you know any self soothing methods to calm yourself and sooth the pain you are feeling now? a blanket or toy to hug, a pet to stroke?

you also need to learn some mindfulness techniques (search youtube for kabat- Zinn and Teasdale's "the mindful way through depression" full audiobook. (it's about 5 hours in total - listen to it in 15 or 20 minute chunks)), mindfulness will help you to spot negative thoughts and hurt, and to accept them for what they are, without them hurting you.

Please do not try to find more rescuers - and do not try to contact the young guy again, he'll probably lash out at you again.

Soothe your self, if your situation is now unsafe for you and your children, seek advice about how to seek safety.

begin learning how to calm the part of you which was seeking a rescuer.

Without beating your self up inside, learn from what has happened, gradually you will be able to make yourself whole again, without it hurting people around you. start with the soothing and the mindfulness.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Too personal as the kid me to respond graciously. You do need help, helping your kids through this could be healing for you as well.

 

[darrenS]

Sabrina ,, sometimes we make mistakes , sometimes when we are very unhappy we tend to make bad decisions in a rush to alleviate our own pain , do yourself a favor...seriously ...take a step back, think of your actions and how they can impact others and ultimately impact us even more. I am not going to judge you , but rather tell you that what you are looking for in others , you need to find in yourself first. Just remember its a lot easier living by truth , yes it can be painful and lonely but also liberating as you have no loose ends to hide from. It takes a lot of work to perpetuate a lie and it never works ...it will damage you further and create a vortex that will suck you in and before you know it...not only will you be a bigger mess , but no one close, will show any trust or concern as they wont know what the truth is - please get help....just talk to someone and share what you need to share...good luck and i hope things get better for you

 

[Chava]

It probably has nothing to do with PTSD and more simply to do with your lying to him. If anything, ptsd complicates trust stuff, and he created a boundary likely based on your dishonesty and wants you out of his life. You have to respect that, sorry. Plenty of people without PTSD would likely do the same thing after being completely lied to...it's called having healthy boundaries. Sorry he was sort of vile about it but I think he had plenty right to be angry.

I had a guy lie to me online. It wasn't that he wasn't attractive, but he was a very different person when I met him. So right off the bat I felt like I had hooked up with a liar who was willing to disregard my need for honesty in favor for his need for a girlfriend, or whatever. What I hoped could be some kind of more intimate relationship felt too shallow.

You have to let this guy go. Focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. Work on the connections you have some certainty within, and if you feel like you need something else or an outside source for happiness, consider some kind of counseling to work on taking life gently as it comes and not getting caught in your own storms.

 

[Friday]

Dude. It has nothing to do with your appearance.

You lied to him.
You lied to your husband.
You put your children at risk.
You broke your vows, your promises, & betrayed your duty.
You're so wrapped up in yourself that you don't seem to care who you hurt, or how, so long as you get what you want.

That's ugly. Fixable. You can be a better person. But that's ugly.

 

[intothelight]

At this point, just let it go and focus on yourself in the ways that matter. When you are so unhappy that you feel the need to make lies the foundation of a relationship, then maybe it is time to face the reality and change the things that you need to so that you are confident, secure and happy with yourself. Healthy people make healthy relationships, so focus on getting there yourself before you try to enter into another relationship.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Maybe a new post thread. Who falls in love over the internet? I get the falling part, but the love? I live with me every day, and can't say it is always love.