Sexual Assault Please Read And Help Me.

[Asdfghjkl]

So I really don't know how to talk about this, because I really never have went this deep into it due to fear. But for the past year I have been isolating myself and reliving it, as well as getting worse and worse with my PTSD.

I was molested before this, but this is the one that effected me most, I guess because it was my brother.

When I was 9 years old I woke up to my brother and he was drunk, I froze, and I was terribly scared. He was trying to wake me up, but I knew something was wrong about where my feet was and when he called my a different name, and I didn't want to let him know I was awake.

I remember specifically what movie was playing which became a habit the next few years. I finally told him I was awake, and he was asking to sleep with me and when I said no he was touching me he denied it and was crying as well.

Now looking back at that situation, I see where getting him help and getting it sorted out would've been the best option. But when I told my always drugged out mother the next day she did nothing, and in my mind I would do anything to never feel that fear and uncomfort again, so I shut off that day. She asked me several times if he had done it again and I said no which was true,

but it did begin again and I don't really remember when. I just know the next time it happened I was exactly how I decided to be- numb. I wasn't really there. I just payed attention to the movie.

Over time I realized I liked it, my body would react, and I also liked the attention and I hate myself for that.

I began to know that that was why he would come to the house- and I would go to the couch like I thought I was supposed to. I had actually began to think it was normal. I hate myself for that too.

I know that this was happening at the ages of 9, 10, 11 while he was of age but part of me knew it was wrong and I hate that I didn't know to tell some one again, I didn't know that this was not okay at the same time, because I was.. Numb. I blocked it out. Every single time. I was ashamed.

And I began to do things like spread my legs, or scoot closer.. And I know he would have touched me regardless, but this is the WORST thing I could have done, and I feel like I am a monster for this. It began to be more than fondling you would say at the age of 13, and that is when I realized it was wrong, like I woke up.. And knew that I was being molested.

I told my mom, and she threatened to kill herself... I shut off again, and that night it began again. One of the things she told me a few days later or so was "If you didn't like it, then why did you just lay there and take it?" It was true. And that stuck with me. But the therapists have said it was how I survived, but they don't know that I would spread my legs, but once I realized it was something I truly never wanted, and wanted to stop and realized it was not okay I told.

. It was something I didn't want to pretend wasn't real anymore. I was always scared of him, he was mean to every one.. But at the same time I remember before it started I looked up to him, and I remember the betrayal I felt that first night.. I just feel like I stooped down to that level just to survive, and that wasn't okay. Because the two times I stood up for myself it did stop. The first time and the last time.

He's in jail now, just three years, 7 probation. Which is better than the original 50. But it's like, I can't stop blaming myself. I know he knew better, but I should've too. And I feel like it wasn't even abuse... Now that it's over, I have the effects of being abused, like loud noises trigger me, and yelling and large groups of men and any guy really and family members, I can't stand to be touched it literally brings me right back to it and I have successfully pushed every one out of my life and I just feel like I deserve to die the majority of the time because I can't make sense of any of it..

I know that I would do things differently now, knowing what I know, but it doesn't change what I did then. I feel terrible. Guilt and shame has consumed me, I can't talk to any one anymore, and I can't tell if I deserve it or not. I feel like I ruin every one's lives and am nothing but poison. And I'm afraid ya'll will tell me the same thing, but it's all out there now......

 

[Queen Boudica]

You were 9 it was not your fault and you should not be ashamed. Your mother should have acted and your brother should have been put in jail.

You need therapy to help you with this. You were a small child and could not have known or done better. Your brother and mother are the guilty ones who should bear the shame.

I know Oprah describes her abuse and how she felt like you guilt and shame because your body reacts. You are the victim of a paedophile and a very neglectful mother. You behaved just as many children do in that situation.

Please get therapy, you don't deserve to feel this way about yourself. You did nothing wrong.

 

[littlelostchild]

It was not your fault!

Your story is a lot like mine, same age, only it was my father and I would go to their bed. I am beginning to put the responsibility where it belongs - on him! I tell you this because I want you to know that it is possible to recover.

I've been in therapy, working hard and have some supportive people in my life. If you are in therapy, keep working at it, if not, get into therapy, it really helps if you can get a good trauma therapist.

You were a child, the adults were meant to protect you!

 

[Casey_03]

This is what makes child abuse so devastating -- you look back on all that now through the eyes of an adult and believe you did something wrong because now, as an adult, you know what he was doing was terrible. But you were a child then! He was someone you had grown up believing you were meant to trust; he took advantage of that and preyed on you, knowing you were just a kid and could not possibly have understood what was going on. Do not blame yourself! You did exactly what all other victims of sexual abuse do, and your body reacted just like anybody else's would in that situation. It's a reflex. And every time that you feel guilt or start to think it is somehow your fault -- take a step back and view the situation as objectively as you can. You were a child, you had no idea that people do things like this, and the grown ups around you who were supposed to protect you from such things failed miserably. You should feel no shame whatsoever about what happened; I know for sexual abuse victims it is impossible not to feel shame, but try not to. Your mother and your brother are the ones to blame here; they were weak, they failed you and made you hate yourself. But not everyone is like that, and I assure you every single person here will tell you to stop blaming yourself. There is nothing that you could have done to deserve what your brother did to you, nothing that you did wrong. You sure as hell did not deserve any of this abuse. Do not let what these weak, sick individuals did to you make you hate yourself.