Positive Things to Build On this Year

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking that shameful things that occur when someone who's there downplays it results in less long term memories of shame (less shame and less easily reminded) than when no one did or no one was there to do so. Same with guilt. So I suppose the reality of that is sort of a knowledge to bring forward.

 

[Tinyflame]

I had a reminder of something a year or 2 ago; I think it's important for me to remember what's been done for me. After all, that is true,

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize talking with others, and being told by others quite a few times, that some people respond to me differently because I am different. I used to say I just get the good people. But most are not grumpy nor hard to please, they are misunderstood. And it's not 'me' that's doing anything special, it's just recognizing what seems to me obvious or common sense, treating them accordingly, and them choosing to respond differently I think. I am ok with that. That part I don't want to change about myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I heard an author say, a feeling of being invisible comes from being told you are (or worse), and then repeating it to yourself a lot, until you are sort of divorced from yourself, except for noticing you are breathing. I can see it is a lot to unpack when I heard it like that out loud, but I don't feel as committed to it now. I feel like it's (high) time to commit to other things/ thoughts than that about myself.

 

[Friday]

I heard an author say, a feeling of being invisible comes from being told you are (or worse), and then repeating it to yourself a lot, until you are sort of divorced from yourself, except for noticing you are breathing. I can see it is a lot to unpack when I heard it like that out loud, but I don't feel as committed to it now. I feel like it's (high) time to commit to other things/ thoughts than that about myself.

There’s a thing… when you graduate from USMC bootcamp? You’re “bulletproof & invisible”. That only ‘wears off’ over time / with experience. And only comes BACK with extreme dedication to craft, but never 100%. Still? A goal, rather than a deficit.

Just to add to the complication? Or to simply? (Depending)

The very real usefulness/desire of exactly the same concept. Applied differently.

It’s a very human thing. Rather than a broken thing. The desire to be invisible. Is like the desire to be able to fly.

I DO realize you’re talking about a different kind of invisible… but? There’s a reason it locks in so hard, and so well. And it’s not a bad reason. It’s a survival instinct. Why tigers have stripes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh I love that @Friday ! And being a city kid, well, I thought of tigers (which are SOOOO BEAUTIFUL), as sticking out rather than blending in (duh ). Actually, I rely on it downtown or commuting, daily meth-related for the most part incidents I'm privy to, and for the most part am thankful so far so good. As the author said, more voiceless and worthless than invisible maybe. But, funny thing is, it seems sort of silly now, just-irrelevant. Yes I think like you said some of these survival skills are natural and often really quite useful!

I was thinking, someone was leaving after 8 years, I thought 8 years of hearing stuff and it's taken that long (and then some) to sink in. Equally, another has helped me more than double that- time to take their word(s) for it. And another one a couple of years too was very kind. I guess I always was stubborn. Oye. It doesn't feel like anywhere near that long.

I DO love tigers though. Magnificent. I used to hang out at the zoo with the tigers, polar bears and swans/ flamingos. Not in the same pens obviously lol.

 

[whiteraven]

Doing more of what I want to do and saying no to the things I really *don't* want to do. I have trouble saying no.

 

[Tinyflame]

Two huge things @whiteraven .

I heard a tip once, if it's hard to say no you can say let me get back to you. Or that doesn't work for me. Or not now but perhaps some other occasion. Someone taught me years ago, "No." is a complete sentence. But I get it.

 

[Tinyflame]

This is probably not the best time to write this, as I am waiting for the shoe to drop on my work schedule today as can't believe I haven't heard so far- but maybe that makes it a good time?

I think I am learning that small malevolent things affect me as much or more as good ones in the other direction, molehills can become mountains. And that emotions really dominate, and yet thoughts often influence them hugely. And so what helps/ has helped me the most is what orders my thoughts, or helps them go from disordered to ordered. As I understand it even when they seem ~ok, some thoughts lead to desolation, some to consolation. (Something beyond CBT).

I've learned even in the process of recovery or attempts to, I can be led astray to way too much self; as above it takes my thoughts or awareness from others needs.

I've come to learn sometimes when people have blamed me, it is not my blame to absorb. But that absorbing and believing it actually is a trauma response intended to increase emotional safety. Not codependency, but trauma bonding (because we suffered together too) and loyalty too are involved. I do like the explanation though, that for codependency 2-becoming-one leaves no one to connect to.

I also feel if I feel calm inside and not lead around negatively by the nose I can see or hear things with more compassion for myself and the other person. It really short-circuits more negative energy going out. It actually sometimes reminds me of things I am grateful for, even unrelated.

As far as myself goes my focus (and facing head on the small things trying to cause me grief, fear or terror) makes a big difference. Because I figure I can't just stop anything without replacing it. Also, I think the other perspective isn't as valid as it would like me to feel. I feel I can only do this because I feel I am not as alone as I felt before.

Idk if how I tried to express that makes any sense at all lol.

ETA, I also believe sleep is huge. (I might be alone in this) that one of The Biggest factors re:SI is lack of sleep, and a bit chicken-and-the-egg.) Food probably also, as I eat with relief or happiness. But esp the problem of sleep and rest. Whether it be a lack of strength (resilience), heightened cortisol, screwed up serotonin and dopamine, impacted Executive Function, impaired cognition, etc etc- whatever- it's really a crucial thing to make a priority, with kindness to myself. I think it really impairs, or sustains, cortisol levels too. Sure sucks all ability to hope or self-sooth/ take a long view out. JMHThoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

And also I need/ hope to learn how to practice more gratitude. Not thankfulness- I have that more easily. But I mean the kind of gratitude that has joy and praise, really just enjoyment in the moment. Not just the kind of, ~ Oh great, the bomb is diffused with 6 seconds to spare!