Possibility of homelessness. Lot of confusion.

[Upside Down Eagle]

Dear old and new peers,

I need your help. Once again, I got myself into a situation where I might be evicted.

I need to give you some context. I am very confused right now. Way back, I understood my own story (childhood trauma, had all the classic symptoms, diagnosed cptsd). But the symptoms shifted over time and are starting to look more and more like autism. And well, I don't get it. I know you can't diagnose me, but feedback would be great.

You will mostly be familiar with classic ptsd symptoms and panic attacks. Which is what mine used to look like. Fear, rage, broken mirrors, cuts in my hand.
All of that eventually vanished (thank you, divine source). But now it has shifted into a mix of symptoms I cannot understand - and neither can my neighbours.

This is the situation: over the last seven months I've had several of these episodes. I live in a temporary housing situation (anti-squatter organisation) and do not have the same rights as a normal tenant. I chose this place because I was desperate, I cannot deal with living in student housing anymore (and that's the only other thing available to me).

The gist of the situation is: you cause more trouble like this, and we are ending your lease.
Here is what these 'episodes' look like.

• Always occur during a period of time in which I view the world as (sorry for my language) a "bunch of losers". My feeling will be (and I know that this is inaccurate) that the entire town is just populated by "sorry losers" and I feel like their "sorry condition" might get stuck to me, and then I'll catch it too. So I have to make sure I do not catch their "cooties" (and I know this is like OCD).
  
  
• Occurs when there is a pattern of me struggling with my body and trying to figure out what is true. Usually I will relate to the world as if it were just an idea (instead of a tangible thing), and also to myself as if I were just an idea. But I will fight like mad to try and get myself to be physical, usually contrasting myself to "the losers", while knowing at some level that it's not an accurate thought.
  
  
• I feel a very somatic connection between "sunlight" and "superficiality", again putting those in the context of the "losers" and thinking I will catch it. I usually close all the shades and curtains in the house, preferring to just remain completely in the dark. When I am in the dark I also feel much more embodied, contrasting with being in sunlight, which often causes dissociation.
  
  
• Will do my best to absolutely NOT experience anything that is related to "the outside world", to "superficiality" and the "losers" (lots of brackets) and usually wear a noise-canceling headphone all day long. I feel like, if I allow myself to observe anything outside of me, then "I done it". Then it's my fault if their 'condition' sticks to me. When I was a child, my parents gaslit me and told me it was all "on me".
  
  
• During an episode, it feels like a dreamlike state. I cannot think, and simultaneously will feel an extreme aversion to "thinking" because again I associate that with "the superficial world" and the "superficial people" who might influence me if I don't keep myself "clean". Since I cannot think at all, I pretty much go all-out from yelling to sobbing to retching (the idea of the superficial making me ill).
  

I do also hurt myself during these episodes, mostly to try and "get the cooties to get off me". Usually the harm is not severe. But sometimes it is pretty bad. Also, important to note that I am on hormonal medication and these episodes get worse depending on hormonal levels (which are a bit hard to even out currently).

This all feels like some overwhelming mixture of PTSD, OCD, and Autism. Huge emphasis on wanting to feel embodied, wanting to feel more "oomph" and feeling that this would help immensely with the idea that I can somehow be "killed" or influenced by people who are subject to this superficiality.

I have not seen a therapist in a long time. I know I should, but I feel the same sort of aversion towards them as I feel towards "being influenced". I feel like getting back into therapy (I have been in it for fifteen years or so) would once again demolish my autonomy. I want to feel free. Big deal for me.

No idea what to do right now. I'm aware that most of my thinking is inaccurate. I am not afraid of the street (it is about to be summer here), but it would be super unhelpful.

Thank you all,
Upside Down Eagle

 

[Rose White]

I am not sure what kind of response you are looking for but I’m curious about your name: what does it mean for you?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I am not sure what kind of response you are looking for but I’m curious about your name: what does it mean for you?

Hey Rose. Not sure either. Just trying to make sense of what I feel is an incomprehensible jungle of emotions, and just getting any kind of feedback on my situation will be a good starting point for me to dis-entangle my mess.

"Upside-Down-Eagle" is a reference to a lot of things... I'm European but have always felt in love with what I considered "American values" regardless of politics. Freedom, independence, power of the individual. However, I have achieved none of them, at the moment. Which is why I feel like I am an Upside Down Eagle, flying upside down.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I'm autistic, have had pretty severe OCD with a few themes (tried to self-treat it to varying degrees of success, then it mostly sorted itself out the rest of the way since things started moving in therapy trauma wise), trauma (go figure cuz Im here).

wondering what you're feeling are autism symptoms here? I don't know you so not saying it isn't, just asking for more clarity.

seems pretty OCD to me in the thought process though, that you described. do you find these episodes corelate with anything going on in life / personally? anything they get better/worse in correlation to?

either way, the presence of these two things doesn't invalidate ptsd, they're not mutually exclusive. does complicate things though because nothing exists on an island. we're entire people, rarely are individual issues managed in isolation to eachother. stress cup is stress cup, and everything collectively gets worse if it's filling up, regardless of what from.
me? dying of unresolved trauma = my sensory and social sensitivities through the roof / tolerance through the floor.
nervous system cannot discriminate, stress = stress and you have a limited amount of it you can take before things start to go kaput everywhere. xyz conditions can dictate how high/low the bar is for certain stressors, and if it is OCDlike you are stuck in a cycle of constantly revisited and reinforced stress.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Hi and welcome. I am having an autism evaluation in May. A friend suggested it because she saw many autistic traits. I started reading about it and saw a ton more. I also have looked at my personal history and there are a lot of indicators there too. I’m hoping that more labels will help me find the right treatment options. Best of luck.

 

[KA60]

I am not sure how to contribute much help here but it may be in these episodes you are losing contact with reality safety ability to think critically and make decisions you can execute so a goal is achieved. Is there drug use here? Are you eating and staying hydrated? Do you have a primary care provider you could see for a physical lab work referral to behavioral health? Do you drive? Do you have income you manage so you can purchase food clothing etc? How is your vision? Is there headaches dizziness seizure activity? Was there prescription medication prescribed but your current financial situation precludes you taking it and perhaps are some kind of withdrawal or physical symptoms are emerging?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thank you all for replying!

have had pretty severe OCD with a few themes (tried to self-treat it to varying degrees of success,

Same. This one actually diagnosed too. And now that I am coming back to my scribbles here and elsewhere on the internet, I feel like once again my episodes are a display of contamination OCD, along with a whole bunch of other symptoms. It sort of helps to attach labels to it, just so I can think there's some normal, common sense way of approaching it. Same with the autism-self-dx.

I actually don't know if any of my traits are autism, I do think I'm "neurodivergent" due to a whole list of sensory things (smells feel like bricks to the face, sounds dito, trouble with sunlight vs less light, wanting my skin to feel a particular way, etc). Ovewhelm, meltdowns. Viewing the world differently than most people, quite lost in a fantasy bubble a lot of the time. Seeing categories of things, instead of things themselves. And on, and on into infinity. But I don't know if it matters. The waiting list here to get treatment for autism (to just get an intake) is three years, that's too long a wait for me.

Hi and welcome.

Thanks for saying Hi! Right back at you from a super-fossilized forum member. I don't come along often, but when I do, I sit around gathering moss.

you are losing contact with reality safety ability to think critically and make decisions you can execute so a goal is achieved.

Thanks for your reply. It's almost like an embodiment thing, wanting to feel embodied, and I sort of have to switch my "thoughts" off then because as long as I am stuck in my thoughts, I can't be embodied. These episodes are a bit of a double-edged sword in that I think a) they are illogical and I cannot function, but also b) on some level they make perfect sense as I am trying to feel who I am rather than just analyze who I am.

Quite functional in all other brackets. No alcohol, no drugs, no debts, nothing. Just the odd episode. I could stand to drink a bit more, I guess I tend to be dehydrated. And I struggle a lot with the "trying to feel embodied" thing.