Childhood Possible sexual abuse when younger.

[ConfusedGirl123]

I'm hoping someone has answers for me, any input will be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry if this post is very long, I know sometimes it's a drag to read through such lengthy posts but it's difficult to summarize my whole life story in a short post.

I'm a 26 year old female. I was raised by a very loving mother and an extremely emotionally abusive father, whom are still together. I've been professionally diagnosed with OCD, chronic depression and severe anxiety disorder.

I started seeing a psychologist from the age of 11 up until today. I was sent to a psychologist in grade 6 because I refused to go to school, when I was there I'd have panic attacks and would feel physically ill every day and would have to be sent home. A few years down the line I started wondering if something happened to me when I was younger, I always just assumed I had bad anxiety and "problems" because of my father, but the red flags that popped up were my fear of intimacy; being touched, hugged, kissed. Even if they were coming from my mother.

As I got older I started having relationships with boys but they were more best friends than anything else. I didn't ever want to hold their hand and if they tried to kiss me I'd push away. In high school I started exploring my sexuality and came out as bisexual, eventually I figured I was a lesbian as I had no interest in men whatsoever. Again, I thought me feeling this way was because I hated my father and never had any kind of father-daughter relationship with him. I tried entertaining the idea of dating another guy but it didn't feel right and I had a 100% attraction towards women, so I accepted the fact I was a lesbian (and still am).

After dating multiple women, trying to become serious with them never really worked out. I had many failed relationships, mostly due to me being unfaithful. I couldn't commit. I still had an issue with being touched. I didn't want anyone to touch me even if I claimed I was in love. I decided to give relationships a break until I felt I met the right person and with whom I'd want to be intimate with. 3 years ago I met an absolutely wonderful, amazing, loving woman who I'm still with today.

My problem is... whenever it comes to having sex, my body freezes up, my mind starts racing and I try do everything to avoid it. I always have an excuse, "I want to go have a cigarette" , "I'm tired" , "Can we just cuddle?" . The confusing part for me is I WANT to have sex with her, I'm attracted to her fully and we've had sex a lot before. But every time it's been very stressful for me. Hopefully this isn't too much information; (close your eyes if you don't want to read :)) but when she's touching me I get these emotional flash backs, my mind goes blank and I feel overwhelmed in an uncomfortable way, as if my mind is trying to remember something but I can't. This is becoming a problem for us, as patient as she is, she's feeling neglected and taking it personally. She feels i'm not attracted to her and I end up crying because I can't express how much I truly love and desire her.

When I try bring this subject up to my psychiatrist she quickly dismisses the topic and we talk about something else. I don't have answers for myself, or for my girlfriend. I'm desperate to know if someone has been in a similar situation, if I should try find another psychiatrist (specifically in the sexual abuse field) or just try to forget about my past and move forward.

I forgot to mention that I've had nightmares ever since I can remember. When I was small I refused to sleep alone, I cannot sleep with the light off unless I'm with my girlfriend and feel safe. The nightmares always include rape.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask, I'll try answer them as clearly as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[Kintsugi]

It is impossible to say if you were sexually abused based on what you've written. I do think you need to find a therapist who specializes in trauma, though, as either way, you've experienced some level of trauma. Your symptoms are, to me, suspect, but it could be something other than sexual abuse. Who knows. The emotional abuse could have messed you up in creative ways. You know?

I also had the symptoms of GAD, major depression, and night terrors when I was very young from sexual abuse as well as emotional/verbal abuse. My memories were always there just below the surface, though, and they began bubbling up when I hit puberty and my abuser had left the house. When I began having flashbacks, I started collecting more and more memories I'd pushed down or dismissed as "dreams." I don't know if you were sexually abused, but whether you were or not, my heart goes out to you.

By the way, we don't use trigger warnings here, so don't worry about triggering members. ;)

 

[ConfusedGirl123]

Hi Simply Simon,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply - I burst out crying when I read it :oops:. Speaking about traumatic events are so difficult.

I've read a lot about sexual abuse and tick almost all the symptoms. Though I always sort-of brush it off and feel if I can't remember it actually happening then maybe nothing happened to me, but at the same time at the back of my mind I feel something did happen.

Is there any other way to work through this without the help of a professional? I feel like I can't move forward with my life.

Sorry about the trigger warning! I wasn't sure if I had to mention it or not :)

:hug:

 

[Kintsugi]

No apologies necessary whatsoever.

I couldn't say re: professional help. I think you need a trauma T, personally. I understand that may not be financially feasible. I feel that. I have to take off what could have been extremely valuable chair time because I'm so in debt to my T right now thanks to a few financial shake-ups in my life. Sigh.

Reading and posting here may help you in your journey.

Have you told your girlfriend about your suspicions? I can only imagine it might make her feel a little less offended by your issues around intimacy. Also, have you thought about doing some exercises with her in terms of, like, really trust-building, gentle foreplay? It might help? I know what it feels like to be triggered by sex. It sucks. And it really sucks when your partner feels it personally.

 

[ConfusedGirl123]

What exactly is trauma T?

I'm sorry to hear about your debt and financial troubles :hug: Therapy is ridiculously expensive. At the moment I'm paying $80 or more for a 20 minute session which hardly helps. I'm too scared to speak about my deepest, darkest secrets and when I actually do try talk about it the subject is changed. I know you're supposed to feel comfortable enough with your therapist to be able to speak about anything, but I'm so "tired" of explaining my story to a new psychologist or psychiatrist each time. I feel like I lose my voice every time I try talk about my problems. Even typing here on this forum is slightly exhausting :bag:

I have told her about my suspicions. She understands to an extent but I'm sure it's difficult for her to understand how I truly feel. We've tried some trust building exercises, she tries to comfort me, relax me, tell me it's okay etc but I feel so vulnerable at the time that I can't think of anything else other than how I'm feeling emotionally (scared, nervous). I also feel really silly and embarrassed if I try and touch her, almost like I have no idea what I'm doing. The best way I can describe it, is I feel outside of my own body if I touch her. My head ends up feeling like it's full of air and a million thoughts at once :unsure: huge contradiction, I know! But you can probably tell by my messages that I'm very confused by the way I feel and what's really going on in my mind.

 

[Kintsugi]

By a trauma T I meant a therapist to specializes in trauma, preferably childhood trauma as your father was your abuser.

$80 a session?! USD? For 20 minutes? Is that normal in South Africa? Jeeze. That's a hell of a lot.

 

[ConfusedGirl123]

Hearing you call my father my abuser sounds odd. I'm so used to feeling sorry for him and always having an excuse for his behaviour.

Okay maybe I over exaggerated a little. It's more $50-$60 for a 20-30 minute session ;) she's supposed to be really good, but it's a weird situation. She's actually a child and adolescent psychiatrist...

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I cannot sleep with the light off

I slept with my light on at night from age 10 until I turned 52 years old. On that day I accepted that I had a different father than my brothers. That opened the way for me to eventually remember what my father had done to me and others.

 

[techbrain]

I of course can't know whether you were sexually abused or not..but I do know the sex avoidance all too wel.As the previous relationships/unfaithfulness.Which always made me feel weird, I can have sex, I can enjoy it, but only in specific circumstances and almost only when I'm innebriated. And not due to no attraction, sometimes I really feel like ok, I'm in the mood, but the moment something is a sort of hinderance (kids waking up, noise somewhere) I jump on it as an excuse not to do it and feel relieved.Sometimes I just "force" myself because my husband doesn' t deserve that, and also because I know that I am able to enjoy it.But the prelude is just so stressful, If i wouldn't be drunk sometimes or wouldn't push through it I'd never have sex with him.