@Scottbraveheart My heart breaks for you reading this. I know each of our experiences is unique and I cannot say I understand completely, but I really do know those feelings.
I feel like it’s often a harder road in some ways being a sensitive person. I may be wrong, but I feel like maybe I sensed that you are one as well? I don’t even like using that word sometimes, because there’s automatically a negative judgment that comes with being sensitive. Even though it may not often seem like it, sensitivity is a great gift from the Holy Spirit. It means you feel a lot - both for yourself and others. It’s a lot of weight sometimes, but it also makes you special. You have the ability to appreciate small details that others would overlook. You can empathize where others might only offer pity, criticism, or indifference. It is because many people lack these qualities that they fail to appreciate them in you. I believe that people in general are highly uncomfortable with emotion. They avoid strong feelings at any cost (and so they come out in different ways), which can include perpetuating hurtful behavior. When they are offered the opportunity to listen and get to know someone who does feel a lot, instead of embracing the growth and thinking of someone else, they easily put their discomfort on the other person as if they’ve done something wrong. It can leave us feeling less-than or faulty. In my experience, it is very very hard to find people who do like us and appreciate us - AND will also not take advantage of us. I feel like it sounds too pessimistic, but for me it’s just been really difficult to find those people. I spent decades alone. But those rare people are out there. I think like us they may largely keep to themselves because they’ve also been hurt a lot. I think we find them when we least expect them. I hesitate to ask you not to lose hope, because I’d be a hypocrite if I said I never lost hope. I’ve even declared that I hate people. I hope maybe we here can give you some hope that there are good people out there who won’t treat you badly. I pray that you can take really good care of yourself right now, and that God will bring good people across your path. Even just a small gesture from a stranger in a grocery store.
I think it’s totally ok to not want to get into another relationship. It’s hard to know what God has planned for us. Maybe you will feel most fulfilled with a friend. Maybe with time and healing and focusing on yourself for a while you might meet someone and your feelings will change. I think all our feelings have a message for us. Guilt can be a very healthy feeling. It’s ok to wish things had happened differently or want to do things differently in the future. We are not perfect. Guilt helps us know where we want to focus on growing. I think it’s good that you know you need to focus on you right now. You are a good person. You are a child of God, and nothing can take that worth away from you.
Sending you some blessings to
