Pregnant - Update

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Getting out of the car is one thing, there's no excuse for threats of violence of threats or revenge porn. Ever

 

[The Albatross]

Didn't go there, did I?

 

[Casey_03]

First time ever I feel like I have nothing in common with fellow posters. I'm not denying that what said may have hit a nerve, i'm wondering how the hell it justifies threats of violence. But apparently some poeple here think it does.

 

[Casey_03]

"frankly be better for you to come after me than the father of your child." @The Albatross "come after" - come after how exactly? By making an observation about how he was being needlessly demeaning to a stranger? Why are you projecting violence onto this from my end when there was nothing f the sort? "come after" - are you even reading the same thread i posted?

 

[Anarchy]

Guys,
Time out please.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones I don't disagree that he apparently saw what I said as an attack, and that it hit a nerve. Clearly it did. My point is that it should not have warranted that sort of reaction. At all. At best, he should've said he was offended and gptten over it in 5-10 minutes. instead, he has messaged me about "destroying my life," threatened my lfe and has sent a sex tape to my father and all my co-workers. All for criticising his posting of something on Facebook ...

 

[Casey_03]

So no, it's not a reaction i would have anticipated, nor a reaction i was provoking. it's straight up abusive. if i can recognize that, i'm not sure why no one else can.

 

[Friday]

At best, he should've said he was offended and gptten over it in 5-10 minutes.

<grin> These things here ^^^^? The shoulds? Tell me what I want to look for in people :D. If I do X they respond in Y way. I've wasted a lot of time and frustration trying to cram people into boxes they don't belong in. Cause in reality, no matter my personal preferences? People respond in all sorts of myriad ways; from initial reaction to how long they take to recover, etc. My shoulds tell me what I want, not what is or should be. Same as my mother thinks I "should" do ABC. That's what she & her friends do. Yeah, mom. That's why they're you're friends and you get on. Those are your preferences, not my reality.

All for criticising his posting of something on Facebook

While row in the car & his storming off was about criticizing a posting on Facebook / the way he's chosen to live his life.. The rest of it? Nah. No way. That's like saying he beat her to death because dinner was late. He may have been angry dinner was late, but not only is how we choose to express our anger totally on us, not them, but there's more to the story than that. Tip of the iceberg / straw that broke the camels back/ etc. Example guy the rest of it would be being an abusive f*ck with control issues who etc. so forth & on. He might try to blame all that BS on dinner. But it's not.

This bloke? He doesn't want to have a baby with you (as stated), but far beyond that he's attempting to publicly humiliate you, hurt you (financially, emotionally, professionally), intimidate you, damage your support&options (via your dad), etc.. You made him angry, but that's where your part ends. All the rest of it? That's on him. Tells you acres and acres about him.

 

[Justmehere]

First of all, wow, you are pregnant! Having a child is a huge step and transition in life. How are you feeling about all of it? When you posted when you found out just a few days ago, you said you were feeling really scared. :hug: It is a big step in life, and it will change you as a person to raise a child. But, you keep your head on straight and keep your focus on the big picture, you will make it through this. You can be a great mom like many others here, many of whom have been there in this scary and trying place. (I have not ever had my own child, so I can't say I know what it is like. I can only make observations from the outside.)

Threatening to release sex tapes is possible extortion and to make other threats against you or a child or your family is illegal in most countries. I don't know the laws in Ukraine very well, but I'm pretty sure there are laws against this based on my cursory review of what I could find online. So if he is making such threats, that is really wrong. Nothing you do makes treating you abusively ok, and Safety needs to come first.

So put down the keyboard and pick up the phone and call the authorities. Or reach out online for advice on how to take action about the threats.

Once you have outside help to stay safe, then work on communication skills with recent ex-boyfriends who are probably just as shit scared about becoming a parent just as much as you are, and clearly acting out in an abusive way.

You have the opportunity to be the most adult person in this circumstance - a skill that you have in you, and that you can do.

Call for the authorities to help (if they can) to prosecute him. Put up strong boundaries so that he can't continue to contact you. He is the father, but he doesn't have any legal right to have contact with you or your family in ways that are threatening or abusive.

You are being a defensive/protective mamma bear, but against the wrong "enemy" - fellow sufferers on the forum - and pushing away people who are on your side. You need to pour this protective/defensive energy into getting outside help to deal with him, the real threat.

If a post on the thread isn't helpful, ignore it. Wait for the input that is helpful to you. Consider the rest of the input that might hard to read with care, as it comes from fellow sufferers who really do care about you and for this new little one a lot. If the feedback isn't helpful, disregard it. Use the ignore setting if needed, and get back to finding what does help you and will help you be the kind of mom you want to be for this new little one and how to be safe from threats of new trauma or actual new trauma from this ex-boyfriend.

 

[GaslitChick]

I say this out of my own experience.

For YEARS my mom would do the same. Make a comment, later claim that it was innocent and in good fun, but the truth is that those words would cut me like a knife. I can see how your words toward the father of your baby would cut into him, too, because if you take the words at face value, then perhaps there is no underlying meaning.....but we all know that 99% of what we say isn't even in the words themselves, its in the context, the looks we give, the tone, and so on. (None of this we can see online.)

In summary, it feels like gaslighting in a sense....you're making comments that you claim to be innocent (but aren't necessarily so to the recipient), and if he starts to believe that, he is going to start feeling like he is the one who is going crazy.

Have you decided to keep the baby? (Adoption is always an option.) Are you living in a stable environment that is conducive to the upbringing of a child? Are you at a good place in your own healing where you can put your kid first 100% of the time? I say this as there more than just a few here who wish we had stable parents....or at least more stable parents than the ones we got. If you're in a good place in your healing, then a child could be a great thing for you. If not, it could force regression to a place you may never emerge from, especially when topped off with a father who could use all this PTSD stuff against you to prove instability and gain custody.

 

[Friday]

really confused by these reactions i said smethng inncent and it seems like you guys are sayng i deserved what i got.

I'm not denying that what said may have hit a nerve, i'm wondering how the hell it justifies threats of violence. But apparently some poeple here think it does.

This is what I get for just checking the tag. Missed the intervening posts entirely.

There is a huge difference between "deserving what you got" & what's predictable.

Just because you can expect something, doesn't mean you deserve it. In point of fact, a lot of the time the more you can expect a thing? The less it's deserved. Battered wives can expect to be hit. Doesn't mean they deserve it.

As far as upping the ante? Whether someone is going to respond commensurate with provocation? That's a learned thing. We don't know if tickling someone, if they're going to laugh & tickle back, or get the hose. In a fist fight? We don't know if they're going to pull out a gun. We expect what we're used to, until someone changes it up. You did something on a scale of about a 2 to his 2+8. You know this about him now. That's a damn good thing to learn.

My only real concern is the protests of innocence. Just because he responded by upping the ante? Doesn't make the original thing innocent. Tickle someone & they get the hose? You still tickled them. Tickle them & they burn down your house? You still tickled them. Their response doesn't change our actions.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones Point taken. i understand what you're saying. i guess on some subconscious level i was 'tickling him,' but i didn't see it as a mean gesture. honestly, his behavior concerned me, considering we were going to get an ultrasound of our child, and here he was telling me about how he'd needlesly bullied some random stranger. instead of confronting him outright about this, i tried to broach the subject lightheartedly, thinking it would be safer. it wasn't. i guess i was too afraid to say, 'hey, what the hell has gotten into you? Since when do you bully random strangers for no reason?" instead, i thought joking about it would keep away the drama. i was wrong. but i still insist that i was not trying to provoke him or create a scandal. i honestly wasn't. i did not think it would result in this insanity. and i still refuse to think that the way he reacted is normal -- he has been outside my building for hour now threatening to throw acid in my face. this is definitely not a normal reaction. he has proven himself to be abusive; i think thats the main take away from all this. i just got upset when other posters seemed to imply that i was bringing this on myself or knowingly provoking such a reaction. he had never been thisway before, never. and i definitely did not think my comment would result in this. i honestly wasn't looking for a fight at all; i thought i was just expressing my disapproval of his behavior. but now i have lost my job, am afraid to leave my house, etc. that's flat out abusive behavior if you ask me, and even if what i said to him hit a nerve, i fail to see how that excuses any of this.