Relationship Broken Heart: UPDATE, Alone and wondering if he will come back

[Survivor3]

I'm sorry that's sad news. I understand that this must be a very difficult time for you. Upsetting. I don't think I can give you advice because I haven't been in a relationship for 17 years. If your really struggling then maybe you should consider therapy for yourself. Best wishes S3

 

[JRRTG]

@enough @Survivor3 @Friday
Hello
My husband decided to move out a week ago. Feels like it has been an eternity. I’m a complete disaster and feel very alone and sad and don’t know what the future looks like.
Those of you that have suffered-please can u provide me some insight. My husband says one minute he feels normal and wants to be with me. The next minute; he describes as a “coin flip” and he feels like he doesn’t care, and justifies that people split all the time, and we should just cut ties. Will this ever change? All the research says therapy and time can help. But I need to here from you sufferers about this please.

You have my deepest sympathies. I have been on both sides of this coin. I’m a sufferer. But my ex was a sufferer too - an untreated one too. Nothing ever changed. It resulted in me walking away. That resulted in such heartbreak, and considering I’m a sufferer too, the pain from that breakup was like no other because he said he wanted the world with me. So, you have my deepest sympathies.
I wish I could tell you something to make it all better, but I don’t think that I can. You can be there for him, sure, but I need you to know that, you have to take care of yourself, you have to really put yourself first here. You have to.

 

[Freida]

They’re not only in stage 3, but were labeled “breakthrough treatment” with massive funding and multisite approval attached.)

Hopefully the VA in my area will start this sometime this summer - and I"m planning on being in line. My T has mixed opinions - she wants to let others go first and see how it works for them before I jump in because I have a history of med reactions but honestly? The more I've read on it the more I am willing to risk it.

Our biggest hope is that it will help me separate my traumas so they don't constantly criss cross into one another. If could work on just one at a time I think it would be amazingly helpful. Plus it may be able to get me out of dispatch mode so I'll stop freaking dissociating every time we get close to something tough.

the top tier treatments for PTSD are EMDR

emdr is a beotch, but it is amazingly effective. Walk in with memories that are just destroying you and after a few sessions (for most single traumas) you walk out thinking....huh. that was a really sad event to go thru but it no long bothers me.

Complex trauma is a bit tricky but it's still effective. Just more complicated to get thru.

 

[Mytime]

Hi BrokenHeat, I understand your hurt, confusion and loneliness. I was in the same place 5 years ago. Is your husband in therapy?
I know it can sound a little crazy when you hear us say, “you need to put yourself first”. But the truth is, your on a new journey in your life. Part of that journey is your own self growth and the journey of becoming a strong positive supporter. Finding your own Counselling or supporters coaching can help you. My husband is a firefighter and is still on the job, we are still together. Remember you always have support here.

 

[BrokenHeat]

@Mytime @Friday @Freida @enough @Survivor3

Yes I am seeing a therapist and working out-I’m probably the healthiest I have ever been-physically and mentally.
And I’m trying so hard to be positive and see this as an opportunity for growth for each of us individually. But I’m so scared of losing this life we have built together. Our children, our home, our community. I don’t. Want to live here if I’m not with him. And I know that is thinking far ahead but how do I not wonder constantly what my future looks like.
It will be three weeks this week that he moved out-as far as I know or what he has shared anyway is that he has met with a therapist over zoom twice. He says the drinking is “better” but u have smelled alcohol on him on two occasions. Not drunk which is good. But what does it look like then if he needs to quit since he is using it to self medicate. (Which he agrees that is what he is doing) Alcohol for him is a double edged sword-both parents were alcoholics and he has come close to crossing that line in the past, but we, his 2 daughters and me have always kept him grounded. He always said he would never want to lose us.
Other edge of the sword; he is now using it to self medicate.
To those of you in this forum that are sufferers:
-I feel the need to keep him accountable. After all he has turned our world (mine and the kids) completely upside down by leaving. His entire goal was to leave to work on himself. I don’t want to nag at him and so far i completely support him and just listen.
But in my head I’m wondering how he is doing and what is he doing all the time? We see him on his days off-but that is nowhere near what we saw when he lived here.
-He comes around when he wants only-everything is completely on his terms. Same with staying in touch with me. I pretty much wait for him to initiate any texting or calls. I’m trying to give him the space he needs- but eventually at what cost to my own well being? He stays in touch very regularly with our girls which is good. But also makes me feel very alone and left out. Like he doesn’t feel like he wants to keep in touch with me.
-For those I haven’t spoke to before; a huge part of his PTSD is a detachment from me specifically. It was so bad I was practically invisible around him. No more affection, playful joking, asking me about my day or even able to listen to me talk. So at least when he comes around and actually visits with me; that is nice to see he actually has missed me.
-He explained that his feelings “flip”. Like one day he loves me and feels like it is all going to be okay and then the next morning he will feel like he should just try to be a good dad and not put me through this. He says it makes his palms sweat to think of me with another person, but it happens all the time.
This is coming from a man who has absolutely worshipped me our entire relationship and who would say as our friends got divorced that it would kill him if I was ever with someone else.
Also we have always been so in love with eachother. It’s not like we even had any serious struggles before PTSD entered.
-I have began really tracking his moods when I see him to try to see if there is a cycle I can figure out. His therapist asked him to monitor the “flips” in his feelings as well.
For example-Friday night-came by during his shift and kissed me and told me he loved me. We had a very emotional talk where I reminded him we are not “everyone else” in response to his thinking that people split up all the time. I reminded him how we have always been so in love and this feeling he has is a symptom of PTSD. Which he acknowledges that he has read that feeling detached from loved ones is a part of this horrible monster. But I can tell he doesn’t know for sure that the love will return.
and I of course don’t know or can’t find any research that states this detachment will disappear and his feelings for me will come back and stay like they used to.
Saturday at noon he comes by and we have sex and he tells me he feels guilty now that he is leaving. I told him there are no rules and we can do what works for us. And reminded him we are married still. Not separated. He moved out to get better.
Sunday morning I dropped the kids off and he seemed good. By Sunday night he had shut down again. I could see it in his eyes. He was “flat” and irritated. I told him we could talk later and he said yeah I’m just really annoyed.
Are these moods typical?
CAN ANYONE TELL ME IF THERE IS HOPE HIS FEELINGS WILL COME BACK FOR ME AND THE MOODS AND FLIPPING OF HIS FEELINGS FOR ME WILL STOP???
PLEASE. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and this can’t be real.

 

[Deanna]

PLEASE. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and this can’t be real.

Well, part of it is he shouldn't be drinking. Drinking makes people ( all people) feel like crap. I'm sorry you're going thru this. He's started this BS and know he knows he has to live with what he started. His PTSD seems out of control. He is mis-placed.. Not grounded but ungrounded and he knows he's making you upset. He sees it in your face as much as you see it in his.

My response is not incredibly long but there is nothing you can do for him. He's going to have to do it for himself.

 

[BrokenHeat]

Thank you Deanna. Post doesn’t need to be long to be effective....do u think he moved out and now he sees it as easier to get away with the drinking and not having to be accountable? But how can he see his children’s faces and do this to them even?
Hmm I guess I can answer that. The same way he is able to rationalize that he doesn’t care about me anymore. He ISNT RATIONAL right now.
Do u have any experience with the detachment? Do u believe that it comes back as a person heals?
I can wait forever if there is hope..... but I do hear you loud and clear. He has to want to do it for him not me. I just thought the girls would motivate him more. I feel like if we are out of sight we might be out of mind too for the most part.

And I sit here and start to feel mad that he has left me home to deal with everything without a thought...and I write down all the stuff I want to say to him when he is strong enough/better enough to hear it.
but maybe I’m not doing any favours by keeping it all in.
Should I let him know what I feel when I am mad or does it fall on deaf ears or push him away more?!?

 

[Deanna]

Thank you Deanna. Post doesn’t need to be long to be effective....do u think he moved out and now he sees it as easier to get away with the drinking and not having to be accountable? But how can he see his children’s faces and do this to them even?
Hmm I guess I can answer that. The same way he is able to rationalize that he doesn’t care about me anymore. He ISNT RATIONAL right now.
Do u have any experience with the detachment? Do u believe that it comes back as a person heals?
I can wait forever if there is hope..... but I do hear you loud and clear. He has to want to do it for him not me. I just thought the girls would motivate him more. I feel like if we are out of sight we might be out of mind too for the most part.

Well..see.. You always kept him grounded. He may never have been truly grounded without you all and now it shows. He s a mess right now. He was never really, truly grounded. Don't take it personal. He needs therapy. I wouldn't sleep with him ( but that's just me because his feelings for you are all over the place and it's just using you from one minute to the next) I also wouldn't cater to his texts. You have a life and cant wait on him anymore with him moved out. Let him own his decision I mean, truly own it

 

[BrokenHeat]

These days I get through the day by mostly wishing time away so I can ask him about progress. That is no way to live-wishing time away!!! But I don’t know what to do. At least of time goes by there has to be some progress or no progress. But then I can start seeing how this will play out and stop living in limbo. Anything anyone has to help me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Deanna]

Should I let him know what I feel when I am mad or does it fall on deaf ears or push him away more?!?

It's not going to help by telling him how you feel but it's GREAT that you're coming to understand yourself better. These feelings are only normal.

 

[BrokenHeat]

Well..see.. You always kept him grounded. He may never have been truly grounded without you all and now it shows. He s a mess right now. He was never really, truly grounded. Don't take it personal. He needs therapy. I wouldn't sleep with him ( but that's just me because his feelings for you are all over the place and it's just using you from one minute to the next) I also wouldn't cater to his texts. You have a life and cant wait on him anymore with him moved out. Let him own his decision I mean, truly own it

Okay. Fair-I do know that sleeping together probably isn’t good for either of us. It just felt so nice to be wanted again.
we agreed when he left it was to work on himself and not a “separation”. He said he doesn’t want to be separated. Are u saying maybe I should suggest that would be better? Like cut all ties and he just talk to kids. Maybe this arrangement is doing him more harm than good?

 

[Deanna]

Are u saying maybe I should suggest that would be better? Like cut all ties and he just talk to kids

Yes. He is a mess. This was his idea, let him own it. There is no way you can play this game of loving you one day and not the next. Go on with your life and think of you. I know its different and hard but you and the kids cannot live this way