General Previous Abuse Victims Prone To Be Carers?

[blueeyedgirl]

Hi there,

I hope you all are doing well. I've recently completed a psychology class focusing on women, and am curious as to how many women who've encountered abuse within their lives now find themselves as carers to persons with disorders such as ptsd.

From personal experience, I can say without hesitation that the abuse I experienced as a child has made it difficult not to gravitate toward persons with emotional issues. I've managed to avoid being involved in a physically abusive relationship (as I experienced as a child), but have found myself involved in emotionally destructive ones - such as the relationship I've recently terminated with a man who has ptsd.

So, are previous abuse victims more likely to be carers to persons with ptsd?

 

[Nicolette]

I think that is very likely blueeyedgirl. Its a bit like children of alcoholics....they know how to deal and act around alcoholics. It is similar to PTSD as in that you have to walk on egg shells when they are sick (drunk in the case of an alcoholic), you try to make everything good and happy for them and remove stress so they don't get sick (don't drink) and after the fallout we pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath (hangover). I have read such a book about the children of alcoholics and talks about how the children adapt to having an alcoholic in their lives and how it changes their behaviour and it is not necessarily just the immediately following generation. Your parents parents mave have been alcoholics but they learn to act a certain way and then pass that on to their children (how to deal with the grandparents).

I could apply even the principals to my abuse situations....the having to keep out of trouble so there were no added flare ups of abusive. It's the egg shell thing.

In a nutshell I believe people who have been abused know how to better deal with abusive people....does that cause us to gravitate to them??...I don't know but I think I spent a few years with people who were abusive trying to "fix" them thinking it would heal some of the hurt from my past. What I learned is there is you can't change your past or fix people who are abusive (they have to do that themselves) but there is no excuse for such behaviour. While Anthony has PTSD I will not tolerate him being abusive FULL STOP. I will be understanding and cut him some slack with being moody, snappy etc but I will call him on it before it goes too far as I refuse to enable such behaviour.

 

[Lucy Loo]

I've never been the victim of abuse. I grew up in a loving, albeit somewhat dysfunctional, family.

That said, I do think I have lousy self esteem which I'm sure has acted as a kind of a magnet for some extra needy men (and some downright louses, current husband excluded...lol).

L.

 

[simplyme]

Makes sence to me. I grew up with a vietnam vet for a father that was an alcoholic and has PTSD who was extreamly abusive to the whole family.
I did have a long relationship with a man who is a war vet and is an alcoholic who is extreamly abusive to women in his life.
Now I am married to a man who is a war vet and has PTSD. Doesnt have all the other things THANK GOD i wised up and married a man who treats me with love and respect. But yeah I think we gravitate to what we know best. And or we think that we ourselves are damaged goods and so we are not worthy of anything better then what we always had in life. Or we just think that it is totally exceptable and normal although some how we also know its not. Maybe there is somthing in us that wants to make things better want to change people who were like our abusers so we get with men who are all the wrong things and mirror the abuse we recived as a child so we can change them so we can some how make what happend to us as a child easier to forgive... I dont know just throwing stuff out there.

 

[DLadi]

Dang... yes, I was sexually abused by two different father figures as a young child but when I was 12, my mother married a good man which had a lot to do with my not being permanantly scarred... except I am the one that men with baggage gravitate to... and I seem to be more sensitive to the feelings of others. I always wonder what their background is or what makes them do or say things. And now, I'm a carer.

 

[2quilt]

I can tell you that I grew up in a very physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic family and I promised myself never to date any man with a temper or who drank even socially. Once a boyfriend (fiancee) hit me once, and I told him that if he did that again, he would never see the sun rise again. I never gave him that second chance, I stopped the wedding prep. I eventually married a guy who has no temper and only has Bailey's Irish Creme in the truffles I make for us, or white wine in the chicken.

On the other hand,my sibs married people who physically abused them right into the hospital. They are also drunks/ drug users.

I don't know why I turned out differently from my sibs, but I am sure glad I did.
I could not be a carer because I am so deep in my own PTSD that I can't care for anyone who needs my help.

 

[ice man]

Absolutely Blueeyedgirl,i have been a foster carer for some seven years now dealing with children who have had all types of abuse and most of the carers i have come across definately have issues from there past,some wiling to talk about it,others in denial.As the saying goes"birds off a feather flock together" We all feel the same hurt so weather we like it not,we are drawn to each.I do not think this a bad thing because i believe we all counsel each other to some degree and that can be positive as long as it is reciprocal.
The only problem for those of us that do become carers is that we do not look out for ourselves enough as we are to busy rescuing others and in my experience starts to take its toll because lets face it i am as vunerable as the person i am helping.
Sorry for rattling on but the point you made is a very important one and one we all need to recognise so we protect ourselves

 

[xxarmywifexx]

:thumbs-up Guilty as charged.

This is the case for me. I think we can smell our own and have a tendancy to want to nurture.

-xxarmywifexx

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Wow, thank you for all of your honest responses! I've been doing alot of personal work in healing old wounds, and found it necessary to address this particular issue.

Simplyme - " think we gravitate to what we know best. And or we think that we ourselves are damaged goods and so we are not worthy of anything better then what we always had in life. Or we just think that it is totally exceptable and normal although some how we also know its not. Maybe there is somthing in us that wants to make things better want to change people who were like our abusers so we get with men who are all the wrong things and mirror the abuse we recived as a child so we can change them so we can some how make what happend to us as a child easier to forgive"

All of these points sound valid to me and hit home. We do gravitate to what we know, most especially when it comes it dysfunction because of its atypical nature. As Iceman mentioned, "birds of a feather flock together". I also believe that there lies in us a need to right the wrongs of the past. We know that what we dealt with wasn't normal or healthy. But, somewhere along the way, I feel that we begin to identify with our abuser - as we have become just as "damaged" as they are - and want to fix ourselves and them. So, somehow we find ourselves in dysfunctional relationship (either by gravitating to "damanged" persons, or them gravitating to us) and hope that maybe this time it will turn out differently.

Iceman - "The only problem for those of us that do become carers is that we do not look out for ourselves enough as we are to busy rescuing others and in my experience starts to take its toll because lets face it i am as vunerable as the person i am helping."

Very, very true! Which, I suppose, is why I felt the need to post this. There are so many lovely people here who are exhausting themselves for their loved ones. Some, like myself, have nearly turn themselves inside out for their sufferer and have gotten little in return. And, as you point out, we are all vulnerable and we all need support. If you are getting support from your sufferer, that is wonderful! But, if you are not, think of yourself and what your deserve! We are not damaged goods. Everyone has baggage. And, it's not too much to ask to have a little help every once in a while!

 

[pandora]

The last three long term relationships..I was definatley trying to care more, counsel a lot and had not too many of my own needs were taken care of. I think I have learned my lesson now though!

 

[Robyn]

Hmmm...I've sit on this thread for about 30minutes thinking about a few things, which would classify this as a good thread, blueeyedgirl! Way to go.

While I've been mulling over my life, my DH's life (what I know about it), and our lives together, I've asked myself one question: "If I had known the path my life would take with my husband then...would I have married him?"

After lengthy deliberation, I would have to say, "Yes."

In many ways, my life has been better because of him.

We had spent five years dating, in separate households, and had the time to know each other and develop a friendship that served as a solid base for our marriage now lasting 18 years. Before getting married, I told him of all my abuses...and he told me some of his, others I figured out by mere observation.

After learning about PTSD now, I believe the scientific community could use his family as a model for PTSD - hence qualifying the variant gene article in another thread - going back as far as great-great grandparents. But, I digress.

Anyway...until the PTSD crash, he was (and is trying hard to be) a good man and husband. That is the man I hold on to now. This other manifestation of himself is an interloper in our life that both of us are trying to evict.

If he were not working with me, and I with him, to overcome this...then my answer might be totally different. Were we gravitated towards each other because of our abuses in the past? I don't know. But, whatever the reason...it's working.

Ask me again in 10 years, and I'll let you know how it's going then. :)


HUGS!!

Robyn

 

[Ann Onimous]

I am not a victim of abuse. In fact, I lead quite a safe, stable, and happy life.

I fell in love with a man when I didn't know that he was suffering and he was showing absolutely no signs of suffering.

When his problems came to the surface, I didn't (and still don't) know how to handle them.

I feel that part of the reason previous abuse victims are prone to be carers is because they are accustomed to the situation and know how to communicate better with a sufferer.

I sure didn't.