Processing Trauma - Black And White Thinking?

[rightkindofme]

I am quite confident that even though I am doing well now I will at some point not be doing as well again. That doesn't mean I will lose progress. It means I will be at a different point in the spiral. That is part of the process too.

 

[Saule]

An interesting discussion. I think I too have had a tendency to see things a bit black and white, but on reflection I realise that it needn't be so. I often feel if I'm not talking specifically about the trauma, getting into the nitty gritty details that somehow I'm avoiding processing it and going back into denial or something. But there must be more subtle processing going on, surely. I know my T is waiting until the semester is over before getting into some specific therapy that can be quite tough, just so I won't freak out and not be able to study. So part of me is really scared about what is to come but also really looking forward to delving into it in a safe environment. I guess what we're doing now is also preparing me for this.

Every day I'm doing important work, I try and tell myself that.

 

[rightkindofme]

For me an awful lot of my "trauma work" is learning how to have ongoing relationships without behaving inappropriately in ways that will cause people to stop talking to me. That doesn't have to have anything to do with my specific traumas per se.

I have never seen healthy relationships modeled. Talking about how I talk to my kids IS trauma work.

 

[Hashi]

I think there are different aspects to healing our lives and ourselves. Trauma processing is only one of these, and working on how we act and react in the world generally is equally important. I think the more general work can involve trauma processing, but only if it does involve specific work on trauma to some degree.

For example, to take franciemarnie's ripple analogy, I would agree that just putting my toe in the rippling water would be trauma processing. The other side of that is that I need to at least have my toe in the water. If I'm attending to where the earth beyond the water's edge got splashed when the rock hit, then that might be important but I wouldn't see it as trauma processing.

In more concrete terms, I see steps like naming what happened as trauma processing. Working on coping skills specific to trauma work is processing trauma. Reading an article about trauma I experienced can be processing trauma. The first time I related my anger to past trauma experiences was processing trauma.

What I wouldn't necessarily see as processing trauma would be things like continuing work that focussed purely on the anger (very important in its own right though).

I've also found that even things that look like trauma processing might not be. In my personal experience, I have to feel some sort of activation when doing trauma work or it can be words without actual processing. This happened in a disastrous therapy session (now sorted out with my therapist) where she inadvertently derailed my preparedness to talk, and I ignored my instincts and went ahead and talked about a trauma experience even though I now had all my internal defences up and was not at all open to processing anything. The result was that I didn't process anything. I might as well have been describing the carpet.

I'd add that some of the "outer ripple" things I've done were as hard or even harder for me at that time, as some of the "inner ripple" things I'm doing are for me now. I mentioned naming the trauma. To call things what they were, after years of amnesia and denial, was my first step and it's still one of the hardest I've taken in this whole journey so far.

 

[franciemarnie]

Here's something that I've experienced lately that's seemed bizarre but maybe not so much.

When I've done Somatic Experience stuff where I'm in touch with original trauma, I get very cold in my chest and shake like I'm freezing when the environment is not cold and I don't have a fever. That's normal I know.

And maybe this is too but I didn't know about it. Sometimes when I have a very big feeling, and that could mean joy or it could mean anger stemming from something unrelated to original trauma or removed - like in response to political injustice (but still maybe similar in its pattern of injustice and violence), I will find a smaller version of the Somatic Experiencing happening.

With just a "too big" feeling, I can sometimes get the Somatic cold and shudder which I can walk and kick and box off briefly.

I feel that this is very positive. My body is learning a new way to release the stress hormone response to overwhelming feelings. (Although excitement and joy can be great, my body is picking up cues of great intensity I guess.) The feelings aren't staying pent up. Even if I'm not "shaking" off an original trauma, I'm learning, my body is anyway, to release.

Don't want to bury anything more than I already have!

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm not sure I would say it was either black or white, but many shades of gray. There are different levels of processing the trauma and some days we only skim the surface. Other days, I may jump right in(those are rare). I have a difficult enough time registering my feelings about the traumatic events that have occurred in my life. I guess, for me, I can't think in black and white, this or that, when things are definitely more complicated then that. Definitely shades of gray.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate every one of your replies. I think that discussing this could help me and help a little to break down the main area where I am most stuck.

I have a very compartmentalised story when it comes to recovery. Mostly because I was completely in denial about trauma, flashback and related stuff, and dissociation and yet had to have treatment over many years because of other mental health issues. As a result I have done in depth work and more completely than matches with my work and processing of trauma.

A leftover of this is that I also see it as totally separate. I see recovery as the process of finding a way to have a happy healthy life with healthy relationships with both others and myself. I see trauma as a separate issue that has a strong impact on the former issue. As with everything with me it is all compartmentalised and really neither people, experiences nor life are that neatly divided into boxes. Not surprisingly I feel constantly assaulted with the reality that trauma seems to underpin just about everything as I read more. It's a constant process of adjusting my perspective.

I see recovery in general as a winding river rather than a straight path so that isn't the problem . Many times we can feel worse when we are still improving in my opinion. Having a crisis and working through it can be a type of progress. I try to see putting one foot in front of the other in the right direction as the progress.

What has sparked me questioning myself about how I am viewing trauma processing is reading others threads and posts. I am finding myself repeatedly thinking, "I have done that" or at least, "I have done a little of that". It seems a lot of that has been done a little sneakily in the sense that I was partially pretending I wasn't processing what I was processing. It's astonishing how you can do something and yet deny what you are doing at the same time. I know I haven't dived right in there but it seems I have possibly dipped a foot or hand in and sometimes more.

If I can accept that I have actually done some of this work then I suspect it might help in various ways. Most of the time I think I am making PTSD up, am crazy and have other serious mental health issues, and have PTSD but am pathetic and am not getting down to the work. All at the same time :wacky: and at the same time as knowing I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Fun.

If I am already doing or have done some of the work then hopefully it could upset the apple cart a little for my most fun pastime. If I have started already then maybe starting won't seem so impossible and distant.

 

[Abstract]

Blackbird, I understand about the distraction issue. How that fits into the big picture for me is complicated. And the distorted thoughts and shame reaction is one of the reasons I was damaged by CBT when I did it.

ike imagining a rock (or nuke!) dropped in a body of water. Concentric circles emanate outward from center. If I should wade in from the outside and breach the margin of the outermost circle in the water, my movement effects the entire pattern

Franciemarnie, thank you! You expressed a bit of what I had started visualising in my mind. I like the idea that your movement affects the whole too.

I had started envisioning an onion except that there were tentacles or lets say sprouts radiating from the centre and twisting through all the other layers. That sometimes one can take some of the outer layers away without touching on any of these but often something is going to touched on. If fact just knowing there is an onion and that there is something at the centre is something in itself.

It touched on what a lot of you have said here too with words such as "nuances" and "tangled". I don't think it is as neat as I was making it.

Although less central to what I was talking about a lot of you have said how any work on those outer circles is still progress. I have developed a problem with dismissing all progress I have made when it doesn't relate directly to trauma. Really it is still part of the same journey and maybe it isn't helpful to still divide it up in that way. Maybe it is still an important part of the work and journey even when it doesn't involve processing.

Rightkindofme, trust? :confused::bag:

immeasurable impact to the atmosphere of a butterfly in flight can impact the state of the atmosphere and environment world wide

This is sooo wonderful. I love the butterfly theory in general and I think using it in this context is a wonderful idea. Thank you.

Falling, it would never occur to me to laugh. Someone wise said to me that different parts of trauma surface at different times and each time it is an opportunity for healing.

I'm avoiding processing it and going back into denial

I relate to this Saule. I am constantly in such an unstable place internally when it comes to if there is trauma, PtSd or not that this comes up a lot. The bully in my head uses anything it can get its hands on as ammunition.

"trauma work" is learning how to have ongoing relationships

It's amazing how much anxiety it involves for me to say this but I have started to see this as being processing for me too. I feel like something monstrous is going to comes down from the sky and strike me with lightening for saying that. :rolleyes:

Something such as being able to be assertive brought literal terror and many times the person would turn into my father. Being able to continue doing that until it became more tolerable and not have as much backlash afterwards could not have happened without processing some of that stuff. That's just one example. I see my 6 year old niece who I love dearly and it is painful as I can't help that it brings up stuff about me. Being able to protect myself is another. As is attempting not to freeze in situations. Franciemarnie, I think the last touches a little on what you said about somatic releasing too.

I might as well have been describing the carpet.

I think I more or less divide it up as you do Hashi. Thanks for sharing details as it helps me be able to take the next step in claiming some movement. I think I need to work on stopping dismissing the non trauma stuff and acknowledging that there is trauma work that has been done. Again awaiting the impending doom and the lightening to strike me down from the sky! Amazing how threatening it feels discussing this.

As for the carpet, I think my version is what I call my shopping list mode. Something I did most of my therapy in.It's one of the reasons I believe I have to budge my trust issues just a little to get benefit from T.

Also a weird version of this happened in the only "real" trauma processing I did (according to past thinking). I felt forced and was terrified of the T to the point of going into the trauma out of pure fear (for a grand total of about 10 seconds). Part of it was totally numbed out and therefore unprocessed and it also let a whole lot of very nasty stuff out that I had no understanding to deal with and this two sessions before the charity shimmied me out onto the street again. Not terribly helpful.

I am going to see if I have the courage:p to come back and write out other areas I feel I have done processing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, after 30 years of dealing with this I'd definitely say that it could be an example of black and white thinking. Critical as the nitty-gritty direct processing is, my analogy would be a Doctor-for all they learn in medical school they may learn more about life and medicine dealing with one patient.

All of what you've done, all of your hard work, makes up part of who you are today and how you think. I would imagine much is automatic and unrecognized, unrecognized in giving yourself credit for how far you've come.

So if anything I would say the nitty-gritty processing and life itself work together.

Perhaps the first step in acknowledging it is ptsd is to acknowledge what you went through was traumatic.

(((((((Dear Abstract))))) :hug:

 

[franciemarnie]

Abstract - just gotta add - the terror of being assertive - how well I have known it!!!! My blood pressure would rise to terrifying heights! Ach.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I have to add that I was thinking this this morning. And I realized that not only do I think about things in black and white I also think about things in an all or nothing kind of way. When the two ways of thinking work together like at the same time it makes me incredibly anxious and hypervigilant.

Like I'll think a person I'm close to is being a little quiet. There are many times and quite frequently that I'll start to interpret that incorrectly due to my thoughts distorting. And I won't be able to realize which is the accurate thought. But I'll start thinking the person is quiet because they're trying to come up with a way to reject me because they obviously don't want to talk to me anymore.

I realize this is a bit off topic but I noticed the type of all or nothing thinking and the black and white thinking are very similar and somehow different and both are something that I do on a regular basis. I feel like I can't get control of them. And they cause me a great deal of anxiety.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm bad for all-or-nothing too Blackbird. You're not alone in that. :hug:

At my core, I'm starting to think it comes from a horribly over-active, terrified brain. Even (so-called) small (soft/ good)things break it up a lot. That sets a foundation to deal with nitty-gritty-painful-processing at another time, I think. But only when someone is ready.

Ya, come to think of it, I've pro-actively only felt motivated to take on traumas or any frightening step or something more 'brave' when I felt better, have felt stronger or have felt more hopeful, etc. Well, have not even felt stronger, just less fear or feelings of shame or doom. Like if something crawled out from a rock for a minute in to the sunlight- that would be me! :rolleyes:

:hug: