No its hard to explain but I think I get it, at least I think I do . Especially the extended family thing because NPD and malicious BPD are a skill acquired in childhood learnt from parents behavior (I think as that's my experience) as is the other extreme of total sweetness and light and extreme blindness to fault in others, because these people need someone to tell them how good they are and if you can't be like them you have to be of use. Normal, functional boundaries and behavior? Ha don't even try that
Re lying I asked myself if me mum knew she was lying too so I taped her ( extreme ,I know, but it got crazy and I was afraid I'd go crazy if I didn't do something and actually prove to myself she was a liar , honestly it got to that point ) and in my case when I requestioned her on the topic it turned out she knew ( she didn't even want to hear the recording when I told her about it ) but she did blame me and say I provoked her (I don't believe it was the case I simply asked her a question on a sensitive topic when no one was there and asked her the same thing when my father was present ...presto the sickly sweet response telling me i was being silly did not match the verbal barrage I got when we were alone ). She called me "delusional"( she knew I was struggling to assess if she was lying or if I was imaging it , cognitive disssonce is crazy making but she kept doing it anyway knowing I was worried I was loosing my grip on reality, when really I just couldn't believe what an incredible bitch my own kind, generous mother really was ) , i said " no mum the words obsessive your the delusional one " ops , this after so much denial and heaps of unconcious self sabotage to disprove MYSELF wrong so shed be right, I now know but didn't then, and lots of personal reflection and reading I WAS OBSESSESIVE BECAUSE IF ID HAVE LET IT GO I REALLY THINK MY MIND WOUKD HAVE TOO which BTW she seemed to be okay with to the point of encouraging it ( what mother or just person does that)
But
If she doesn't "win " the battle she will find an unrelated topic where she can point to me and dramatize the issue and make me feel awful as she did in this case and I almost consciously now give her an out by self sabotaging myself ( I became aware i did this but couldn't stop it wierdly , I hope I've got a handle on it now )
I know it sounds as if I am shifting the blame or looking for a reason and yes I am, shifting the blame back to the real abuser ( she said it was me for taping her and pointing out her lies in front of other people the ultimate betrayal, in her eyes ) who caused so much pain and now i understand where my depression ,self sabotage and many of my negative beliefs stem from I'm finally feeling able to take responsibility for how I behave and be aware of why and try to be a better person, employee, mother , daughter, sister and friend ,I might not have excelled as much as my other privately educated middle class friends have but now I have the chance to rectify my behavior and actually thrive not just survive
Why anyone wouldn't want this for another person baffles me ( unless they have hurt them or done something terrible that affected their lives and even then to deliberately harm them is not OK in my eyes ) but why a mother or parent would just makes me so upset and this is probably why I did everything I could to NOT make it about my mothers abuse and let myself be the screw up
Re lying I asked myself if me mum knew she was lying too so I taped her ( extreme ,I know, but it got crazy and I was afraid I'd go crazy if I didn't do something and actually prove to myself she was a liar , honestly it got to that point ) and in my case when I requestioned her on the topic it turned out she knew ( she didn't even want to hear the recording when I told her about it ) but she did blame me and say I provoked her (I don't believe it was the case I simply asked her a question on a sensitive topic when no one was there and asked her the same thing when my father was present ...presto the sickly sweet response telling me i was being silly did not match the verbal barrage I got when we were alone ). She called me "delusional"( she knew I was struggling to assess if she was lying or if I was imaging it , cognitive disssonce is crazy making but she kept doing it anyway knowing I was worried I was loosing my grip on reality, when really I just couldn't believe what an incredible bitch my own kind, generous mother really was ) , i said " no mum the words obsessive your the delusional one " ops , this after so much denial and heaps of unconcious self sabotage to disprove MYSELF wrong so shed be right, I now know but didn't then, and lots of personal reflection and reading I WAS OBSESSESIVE BECAUSE IF ID HAVE LET IT GO I REALLY THINK MY MIND WOUKD HAVE TOO which BTW she seemed to be okay with to the point of encouraging it ( what mother or just person does that)
But
If she doesn't "win " the battle she will find an unrelated topic where she can point to me and dramatize the issue and make me feel awful as she did in this case and I almost consciously now give her an out by self sabotaging myself ( I became aware i did this but couldn't stop it wierdly , I hope I've got a handle on it now )
I know it sounds as if I am shifting the blame or looking for a reason and yes I am, shifting the blame back to the real abuser ( she said it was me for taping her and pointing out her lies in front of other people the ultimate betrayal, in her eyes ) who caused so much pain and now i understand where my depression ,self sabotage and many of my negative beliefs stem from I'm finally feeling able to take responsibility for how I behave and be aware of why and try to be a better person, employee, mother , daughter, sister and friend ,I might not have excelled as much as my other privately educated middle class friends have but now I have the chance to rectify my behavior and actually thrive not just survive
Why anyone wouldn't want this for another person baffles me ( unless they have hurt them or done something terrible that affected their lives and even then to deliberately harm them is not OK in my eyes ) but why a mother or parent would just makes me so upset and this is probably why I did everything I could to NOT make it about my mothers abuse and let myself be the screw up
