Promiscuity

[Philippa]

I actually had a small victory with this saffy, which I would like to share here.

I did the same as you mentioned in the above post for years, and have slowly improved at saying no and even enduring people telling me I'm mean and narcissistic for not giving in to their demands, which was not easy, but I think I knew that it was their normal reaction and that I wasn't any of those things.

So, about three weeks ago, I had a client come in...male, Indian, youngish. He was demanding quite a lot of extras that I just wasn't interested in giving to him, so he started telling me that he was in town for a few days and intended to come back to the place I worked, but if I wasn't more 'friendly' to him, then he wouldn't choose me again. I had to put up quite a few boundaries with this guy, and he didn't like it one bit...but I didn't care.

At one point he was telling me I needed to "loosen up" that I had "too many boundaries", and I replied simply that "boundaries are a good and healthy thing, and I would appreciate it if you respected mine more." He was forced to acknowledge this and agree.

Suffice to say that he kicked up a big stink at the end of the massage...in fact, he wouldn't even stay for the whole massage, since he was really only there for the extras, which he didn't get. I said "ok" and went to leave, but he wouldn't let me go without first telling me what a terrible job I did and how "rude and rough" I was.:D

I adapted my pressure to his requirements several times throughout the massage, but nothing was good enough for this guy. I knew it was all him, and nothing to do with my massage technique, as I'd had many compliments before about how I gave a professional massage, unlike many of the other women.

I simply said to him "Then don't pick me again...PLEASE don't pick me" and I said it with a smile on my face, and just left the room. It felt GOooooooooooooood.

He complained about me to the manager of course, but thankfully they believed me and not the guy, as they know what some customers can be like. I was grateful for that.

 

[saffy]

I have also noticed I have been getting very bad lately.

I am sorry to hear this Anna. :)

Is there anything you need to share with us. We are here to help and support you :)

There is nothing wrong with healthy sexual appetite but it is the undertones of why and what for that can cause conflict.

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing but acting out these fantasies has to be in a safe and respected manner.

Promiscuity can be seen as social unacceptable or socially acceptable depending where and why you are doing it.

In swinging houses it is totally normal but in the local pub full of bigots it might not be.

Having sex which you have agreed to with two (or more) consenting adults is all right and not hurting anyone. In fact it helps with sexual frustration. But having sex that you are unsure about or do not have respect from the other person is abusive and to do with control and humiliation and selfishness rather than mutual sexual satisfaction. This is when it becomes damaging.

I think we can all learn that sex is not love. Love is love. Sex is sex. Intimate sex with someone you love and who loves you back is something entirely different. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

I actually had a small victory with this saffy, which I would like to share here.

I loved reading your post. Well done also. :)

It goes to show too the behaviour that some men show when they cannot get their own way. I think is good to remember when verbally attacked like this is too have faith in your own abilities and confidence in knowing what he said was BULL.

I would believe everything someone said to me, especially if derogatory. I know now that what they say and their behaviour is a reflection of the type of person they are and not on me.

Understanding human behaviour and defensive mechanisms can help identify people like this. But I think the best cure is to have confidence in yourself and a high self esteem.

Men like the one you had to deal with turn my stomach and I wouldn't have been able to massage any of him without spitting in the oil first ;)

Because I wanted to work from home I had to be careful. There are not many massage parlours here without the sexual undertones added. 'Respectable' massage over here is more of a sporting and spa area.

So for the future I am working on combining holistic massage therapy and meditation/counselling and gathering clients through alternative healing sites as I think this would be more apt to my needs and agenda.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

That's great saffy. I have the same ultimate intention, although working from home is not something that is realistic for me at this time, unless I can find solid female clients who come regularly.

I just don't think it would be safe to have men here that I don't know well, and it would take time to build up loyal clients, which I think happens through word of mouth via friends and people I think are safe.

It takes time though. In the meantime, I need money to live, and I am using this experience to practise putting up boundaries, because there are lots of clients who will try to manipulate the women.

Some of them are easily manipulated, and still learning to stand up for themselves, and others, like me, have been practising for a while and are much better at saying no and putting up boundaries without giving into guilt and all the other crap from programming.

I initially took the job because my other job in the call centre had no more work over the xmas period, and I was three days away from owing rent and had no money to give them, so I kinda had to take the job.

Now, I find there are lots of pluses to working there, but it is a double edged sword, and I am not only dealing with idiot clients like that guy, but also dealing with quite vicious women within the industry, who have tried to get me fired and planted condoms in my room to make it look like I am having sex with clients, when I don't.

There is a real dark underbelly to this line of work, and it's no wonder as it is kinda dodgy by nature. The clients are dodgy, the boss is kinda dodgy, and some of the staff are definitely dodgy. I don't really want to be around that for much longer, but I am saving hard while I am there.

In the meantime I have my studies, and art therapy is something I am working towards incorporating with massage, intuitive counselling and tarot readings.

It hasn't really taken off so far, and I had a bit of a step backwards with my last employer trying to sabotage and ruin my chances at even getting it off the ground...all because I stood up to her as well and asked her to stop yelling at me and calling me names when I was trying to tell her I felt unwell and didn't think it was best for me to be around customers whilst sick like that.

For that she turned around and told my other employer that I "violently attacked her" and would see to it that I never worked in this industry. So it has taken me a little while to get back on my feet after that assault. She was a real nasty piece of work. She's a nurse by the way. There is a LOT of bullshit in the massage and "wellness" industry. I had no idea, but I've learnt so much in the last year.

And yes, I had real trouble massaging him, and could not even look at him the whole time. He was too revolting. I was grateful that he got up and left half way through...I got paid for a full hour whilst only doing a half hour. Good for me.

 

[saffy]

That is good news Phillipa :)

I agree some of the hardest people to cope with are jealous and vindictive women. They can be such bitches. I found a lot of people proclaiming to help holistically or spiritually do not actually behave well and should practise what they preach in some cases.

I have a friend who does reiki and crystal healing. But she is one of the most egotistical, self absorbed and untrue person I know. I laugh at her really. I can tell that she is not the type who would assist as a fellow therapist but rather belittle or sabotage me going forward, which flies in the face of what spiritual and holistic healing is supposed to do. I find it very hypocritical.

I agree that we have to be so careful on who we choose to come into our homes for therapy. Which is why, I suppose, we need to look for clients through holistic therapy and spiritual events rather than just open to the world.

Working with others is always a challenge I have found. There is always some who will be bitter and malicious spreading their venom to make themselves feel better and you look bad. They obviously have a problem with their own abilities to feel threatened by yours. ;)

I hope things work out for you. Art therapy sounds good :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

He complained about me to the manager of course, but thankfully they believed me and not the guy, as they know what some customers can be like. I was grateful for that

I'm glad that you kept control and got to tell him off as well. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on abusive types in one-on-one situations. But when it involves groups it changes entirely. Its especially hard at work. Of course abuse can exist in setting. I worked at one job that had a very toxic environment and the employees acted like they could do whatever they want. It was a nightmare. Maybe that's a subject for another thread.

 

[jmni]

SO what does love mean, what does it involve and how should it make you feel? mmmmm I am going to google this for some insight

Personally I decided that I wont allow myself to "fall in love" or become infatuated until I know that I can believe in someone. This will take a long time no doubt.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Saffy, and agreed about hypocrites in the "healing scene". My ex manager was exactly as you described her friend. A nurse, walking around with a crystal around her neck, spouting about how well trained she is in aromatherapy, and massage, and yet cannot treat human beings with any respect and just an abusive, sociopathic bitch really. Unfortunately I think the new age scene is full of people like this.

 

[shoulderblades]

Personally I decided that I wont allow myself to "fall in love" or become infatuated until I know that I can believe in someone

This is what I did, and the moment I started operating in that mindset, someone wonderful came along whom I've now been with for almost a year and have a wonderful relationship with. It's very self-affirming that I CAN have good and wonderful things if I allow myself to. Now, if only I could apply that to every other area of my life...

 

[saffy]

I have also noticed I have been getting very bad lately.

Hi Anne

I read this the other day in regards to the difference between lust and love and thought this part was interesting.

Lust has been shown to create an altered state of consciousness which affects the brain in much the same way as some drugs. MRI scans have shown that the same areas of the brain light up when a person is experiencing the lust of physical attraction as when someone takes cocaine. Like with drugs we can become addicted to these chemical surges because they feel so good.

you can read more here.

[DLMURL]http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2012/07/telling-the-difference-between-love-and-lust[/DLMURL]

I hope you are coping well.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

Sometimes I said "NO" and they would keep pressuring and I would eventually give in to them also, even though I didn't wnat to and told them so.

I think I am a classic case of 'can't say NO.' Based on my track record I have slept with no one I have wanted to sleep with and everyone that I haven't. Apparently I'll do anything anyone says. I am also apparently very gullible. If I feel intimidated it's even worse. I'm going to try to work on this myself and I hope that I can improve but this is getting really out of control. For now I am asexual and I think this is the best thing for me.

 

[saffy]

Hi Jimni

I find myself pretty gullible to at times, naive and fantasizing.

Sometimes I allowed it because I wanted to believe in what they said, even though deep down my instincts say they are lying to get what they want. I also wanted to believe in my own fantasies of having someone close and how I see the future pan out.

I wanted to believe that I can be loved and needed, that I must be being paranoid or frigid or a cock teaser if I said no. A lot of mixed feeling went through my mind at the same time as letting them do what they want.

I said no but I never really asserted this in the right way. It was also a fear thing in some ways, fear of rejection and abandonment if I said no.

I realised that this was all just fantasy and illusion. It was short term fulfilment of a need.

I have come to understand my needs more now and how I expect to be treated and respected. And If I say no and they get arsy then the problem is theirs and shows their true colours. Anyone with any respect or care for me would wait.

I now understand that I need other connection other than sexual. I want more than just being lusted after. It was flattering at the time and I got it mixed up with love. But no more.

I know what I need and will pursue that and find a partner who will look after my needs the same way I will look after his.

Until then, like you, I am giving them up until I am mentally stronger to cope with the emotions expected from any connection.

best wishes

Saffy :)