When I started the PTSD course, everyone had to be interviewed previously, to make sure they where at a stable level to hopefully sustain the course, ie. illegal drugs, severe alcohol abuse, etc etc. What our coordinator (Martha) said to me, was that the getting to the course is the hardest part, and then remaining for the first two days came as the next hardest. She was so right. I thought I had my PTSD, apart from anger, under control, but how wrong I was. I was anxious two weeks before the introductory luncheon, the day before the course started. To no surprise, so where all the other participants, after getting there and talking to them at that lunch.
I had pains across my chest, that progressively got tighter and tighter, until they released after that luncheon. Anxiety at its worst I guess??? Basically, just getting there was tough. No doubt you will most likely feel the same with EMDR. My anger at the start of the course was quite high, meaning; any little thing could set me off. I controlled it though, simply by removing myself from the situation. I was still angry, but I wasn't going to release my hostility on those around me that actually didn't deserve it.
Driving was another issue... "road rage", ie. anger. It was always everyone else's fault on the road, slow driving, going the same way as me, not moving quick enough, moving too quick, driving too fast, not letting me overtake, overtaking me, etc etc. Just writing this, I am thinking to myself, "what the hell was I thinking?". These are not normal reactions to simply driving a car. I had to calm myself down, breathe deeply, think about other things, such as; maybe the other driver in a rush has PTSD! Maybe the other driver has an emergency! Maybe the other driver is just senile! etc etc. Thinking those things whilst driving, have calmed me down quite dramatically.
I learnt that the cues for anger are so great, there must be another explanation. The fact is, is that PTSD has little to do with anger really, its just we stop showing other emotions as they are, and tend to show them all as anger. This little "
[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=1"]iceberg[/DLMURL]" the group came up with, really explained things to lots of us in feeling anger. I guess the thing I didn't like, is that it was true... I hate it when I'm wrong! PTSD has a lot to do with that, and stubborness, unfortunately.
The good I guess, is that there are things we can do to help us personally control our anger, though saying that, whilst one thing may work for one, it may not work for another. Some ideas that came out on my course where:
- Withdraw from the situation
- Walk away, and come back later to discuss when calm
- Find an alternative
- Think safety
- Breathe for 5 seconds, say nothing, then answer
- The 54321 technique
- 5 things I can see
- 4 things I can touch/feel
- 3 things I can hear
- 2 things I can smell
- 1 thing I can say to myself or do right now to feel better
Generally after some of those, you tend to feel better, and more relaxed to deal with a situation or person. You really have to apply them though, as none of them just work immediately. You have to practise them. One of the best ways to get most of the problems out, is journal them, I have found. Write down things when they come to your head, angry thoughts, other peoples reactions, words said, etc etc, then read those the next day, or week later, and analyse whether the situation was proactive, or just a never ending battle which needs another route to solve.
Yer, when anger is in full flight, it makes you even angrier again... and for no apparent reason! We can control it though... its just a matter of finding the right technique for you that works.
Something that made me build this place during the course, was exactly what you mentioned above, in that those with PTSD just seem to instantly relate to one another, even when you don't actually know the person, because we all have the same symptoms, regardless what caused it, we are very much the same people at present, being angry, emotionally withdrawn, socially withdrawn, depressive, anxious, and the list is long. It had never really clicked to me before that course, that it was these things that automatically made us all "click". I said to the course counsellors, that I had always related better to those who I served with, in that I could talk to them without struggling to talk, as they already had experienced exactly the same, thus I didn't need to go through all the BS first.
Just telling someone you have PTSD, generally provokes the immediate response, "what is PTSD?". That just frustrates PTSD more, that you have to explain it to someone who may or may not really care, but is more curious to know what it is, so they have something to talk about. Being paranoid is quite normal, but I guess you have realised, that it is just paranoia, and that people aren't following you and so forth, that its just in your mind. Honestly Kay, your really doing well just accepting your condition, learning more about it, and seeking help. They are the biggest step, as you already know, we with PTSD deny it all, "we don't have PTSD, its everyone else that isn't normal" and thoughts like that. You know you have a problem, and your seeking help.
I tell you what though, being in a war zone sounds quite insignificant to what you have been through in my honest opinion. Five years of mental torture... hell, your a stronger person than I am. A war zone comes and goes, and we are left with the same outcome you have, but we didn't go through five continuous years of mental torture, and a supposed to be trained professional making you worse. Geez, that sucks. That person should be in jail honestly... that really bites.
I honestly feel sorry for what you have suffered, and if it where me, who knows what I would off done to that so called professional for doing what they did to me. I know now that going and killing them for doing something like that is wrong, but at the time when PTSD was in full flight, I don't know what I would have done. I say a big CONGRATULATIONS to you Kay, for dealing with what you got, seeking help, and trying to move on with your life.
We will never forget what has happened to us that provoked PTSD, but we can attempt to keep moving and enjoy life to some sort of rewarding level. I know people who have killed themselves from PTSD symptoms, and I know people who are living semi-normal lives, and dealing with it. Me personally, I give a lot of credit to us all that recognise we have a problem, and we attempt to fix it, and continue life to a satisfying standard.
We all tend to beat ourselves up about PTSD, but we must move forward, deal with the issues head on, get them out in the open, and atleast then, whilst they remain with us, they don't cause as much harm as before. Since getting my issues out, I am certainly much better, though still learning yet, well, daily actually, as I lost most of my emotions completely, and have had to rewrite them as required basically... when appropriate, and as I've been ready, ie. relationships, children, friends, family, etc etc. I certainly have found out who my true friends are during all this, as they are the one's that know I haven't been myself, but are still around and still giving support. The rest just wanted something to talk about, and gossip.
A big problem I only just realised with myself the other day, is that because I have lost lots of emotions, particularly caring, sadness and so forth, as I am thinking more vividly about my traumas, I am beginning to associate some small emotions within myself too them. This is actually what cause me to really derail last thursday for a couple of hours. Something a counsellor said in the morning, really hit home with me by the afternoon. She said, "if we can't feel sadness for children, then what hope is there for humanity". Well, one of the things I seen during active service, was five children lined up and shot through the head at point blank range. Our orders didn't allow us to shoot, kill or interfere with a particular uniformed country (stuff it, why protect them - Indonesia), and it was soldiers from them who committed the act. Because some of their soldiers went rogue into malitia activities, didn't mean they where all bad, but a good majority did commit crimes so indecent, they themselves should have been shot. If we shot them, it would have been us who went to jail. Hopefully another time will come around when they will be served what they deserve.
Anyway, with that, I began feeling emotions when reliving that act, and that hurt me pretty bad. When it happened, I was emotionless, and I had no remorse at the time for the dead children, just that I wanted to kill the Indonesian soldiers. When the counsellor said what she said, things started rushing into me there and then, but I controlled them within the group environment... well, the best I could anyway. When I got home, I nearly broke down, as emotions of sadness and distress for those children came to me. I am basically having to recategorise every emotion that I have, and put a name too it, like you do from when your born, you know nothing, but you get explained and discover emotions, feelings and what means what. That is what I basically am going through at present, and that is a journey on its own.
I guess, being male doesn't help also, as we tend to be less emotional than females, well, atleast at showing them anyway, and that is another obstacle I have to cross during all this. If I had to put emotions to what you have suffered, geez... I don't know where I would be. All I know, is that your one very strong person Kay... and keep going the way you are.
