Ptsd And Finding The Right Person

[somethingsomething]

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2012, after years and years of therapy, starting from the time the incident happened (when I was 14.) I stopped therapy when I was 17 and started again when I was 19 in college. I started to really dwell on what happened to me and dig deep about 2 1/2 years ago. One of the things that motivated me to dig deeper to figure out what was wrong with me in the first place was the hope that one day I'd be able to find and be with the right guy. And working towards it and becoming stronger in myself as a result, I've become more of myself than I feel like I've ever been (even pre-trauma.) However, this also created problems. Without realizing it, finding the right person became a "prize" for my efforts, as opposed to just dealing with my issues for me. I even sort of found someone that I latched onto because I felt "safe" with him in a way I really hadn't felt before. But that was a bust, he has a girlfriend. But mainly I realized (this past Tuesday actually) all this time I needed to feel safe and I was using that to calm myself down.

This resulted in me having problems again. Now that I see all of that so clearly, I'm realizing how I fooled myself into thinking everything was fine. Don't get me wrong, I'm very lucky to say that I am definitely in a more grateful and positive place. And I finally feel like I'm on the right path for my career. But it's bad. Because things are going well regardless, it's not as bad as it could be, but I still feel like I'm losing my f*cking mind every once in a while.

So even though I see it all so clearly, my problem is, now, more than ever, I want that right guy. (And so we're clear, I know there's no such thing as a perfect guy, but someone who's right for me.) You see, after the rape happened when I was 14, I haven't had a boyfriend nor have I even kissed a guy who wasn't trying to take advantage of me. I'm 26-years-old, and I feel so lonely. I love my family, I appreciate my friends, but that missing piece is gnawing at me.

I guess I just feel confused. I know what I've realized about it, but then this happens, and you have no idea how comforting it would be to have a guy that I could trust and love, and love me back regardless. But at the same time, I feel sick. I feel so awful and weak. I feel dead inside. I feel like I can't love right now. But it's all I want. And that whole contradicting thing of it is enough to make me want to scream. I've just been f*cked over again and again, I isolated myself for years to protect myself, and I just want to finally find that person who I'm crazy about and can trust.

I don't know what I'm asking. I guess I'm seeking more support than anything, any advice would be helpful, or if anyone has a similar story, I'd love to hear it.

 

[Fadeaway]

I swear by making a list. Make a list of every trait that I guy would need to be compatible with you. Think about the traits he would need to be able to deal with your symptoms. After you do that, make guy friends, get to know them well outside of a romantic relationship.

I was in a similar predicament. Eventually, I met a guy who fit my list to a tee. He became my best friend and eventually it turned into a romantic relationship, but I took it very, very slow.

Hope that helps a little. I think it is very common to feel the way you do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that perhaps instead of looking for that elusive "prize" guy, that you should start out slowly. Make new friends. Make new GUY friends. Become more social. Go out on multiple dates with multiple guys. (I'm not saying to go overboard, but yes, casually getting to know a number of guys is OK....Maybe it is my lame circle of friends, but I've gotten so much crap over the years for simply DATING more than one person at the same time! Yes, it is ok up until the point where you decide to become an exclusive couple.) And I say casually in the getting to know you sense of it not being a commitment yet, not in the casual sex sense.

I also can't help but feel that you are looking for a rescuer in a sense. Not in a complete sense of wanting someone to save you entirely, but I see perhaps parts of wanting to be rescued. I may be wrong, and if so, then please disregard this as I don't mean any harm.

I know you are 26 and want to find the right guy. I am not trying to say this to hurt you, but it can be quite difficult for someone with PTSD to find a partner who is not only compatible in all the normal ways, but can also be supportive of us through the bad times as well. (This second part is a bit more elusive, as I can't tell you how many guys I've met who don't want to deal with something so "difficult".) I am 8 years older than you and I finally found a guy who truly supports me and what I am dealing with. I had honestly gotten to the point of wanting to give up because I didn't think anybody would ever be able to love me on such an intimate level AND be willing & able to take on the role of a supporter in all of this. But, it finally happened to me. And, I think that if you work on finding a partner, then it can happen for you, as well. I just don't want to see you get discouraged when it may take a bit more time.

 

[somethingsomething]

I think that perhaps instead of looking for that elusive "prize" guy, that you should start out slowly......

I also can't help but feel that you are looking for a rescuer in a sense. Not in a complete sense of wanting someone to save you entirely, but I see perhaps parts of wanting to be rescued. I may be wrong, and if so, then please disregard this as I don't mean any harm.

That's what I was trying to say, but couldn't figure out the right word! Yes, I definitely viewed him as someone who was trying to rescue me, and anyone else who would be "right". But I know it's hard and takes time. You're talking to a girl who has never kissed a guy worthwhile. It's been hard, it's been taking time. But I will say, if he can't put up with all of me and vice versa...then he's not the guy for me. I don't really have patience for people who aren't geniune and caring. I mean, you probably have way more experience than me in that area, but I'm a pretty good judge of character.

Part of my problem is that guy I briefly mentioned above...everything I imagined I would feel with the right person, I felt with him, and beyond what I could have imagined. I do socialize and hang out with guys, granted I could do that more, but I've had experience with men. What I always imagined was this: a guy who would make feel comfortable without one second guess, a guy who I felt like I could talk to, a guy who got me, all of me, and a guy who could relax me and make me feel at home. So I found that, for a brief 10 minutes, and then we both went our separate ways. I can accept that it just wasn't meant to be, or that I'll find that again with someone else. But he was everything on my list, and even more, and it's taken me a while to move on from it. It was hard to let go of something I had been hoping for and working towards for years. And honestly, I think this is the first time I've talked about it as something I've made peace with.

But long story short, I just feel like now that I've realized I was using it as a means to be "rescued" and a way of coping with my PTSD - I don't know where to go from here. I still crave that intimacy, but I almost don't even want to think about it, because it sort of makes me sick now. Like I don't deserve it or I'm craving something I don't really need. I guess what I'm saying is I just don't know how to feel right now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi again,

Actually, I am not that experienced. I've dated, had more casual relationships (in the no commitment sense), etc, but never found a guy who truly cared enough to want to support me. Well, not until now. And, the relationship is new, so he hasn't seen me at my very worst, and while he says he is willing to be there for me, I always know that feelings can change and that the relationship could end. I guess I'm a bit floored by the fact that he was the one who asked me for information on PTSD, and we are now going through the PTSD relationship book together.

I didn't mention my age to imply that I am quite experienced, rather I mention my age to say that it can take time to find someone. I had hoped to find someone supportive before I was 34, but it just didn't happen. Who knows if this relationship will stand the test of time? I guess I say all of this so that you don't lose hope, and realize that it may take a few more years before you do find a great guy who is willing to be with you through the good times and the bad.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I just don't believe the right person is out there for me and that's sad to say. My "walk" is so steadfast that it's hard for people to understand that I'm going to be delving into things that scares the h*ll out of people. I just, I don't know. People actually accepting what I'm doing is going to be difficult.