Ptsd and lying

[Deleted member 12723]

No one ever asks me about my traumas or my PTSD. Maybe because I do not want to talk about them to just anyone I have good boundaries but if someone did and caught me offguard, I think I would not handle it so well.

I am sorry that you feel so much guilt and shame and really root you on in therapy to be able to sort out everything so that you eventually get some real peace of mind.:hug:

 

[KerriJ]

I often feel like my trauma isn't bad enough or I don't deserve help because I should have just "gotten over it"
This leads me to feel like I have to exaggerate, but I try to catch myself and not.
It's kinda crazy but I've heard and read that this is really common in those of us with trauma and PTSD.

 

[Eliza]

I am so pleased it's not just me!
I already feel survivor's guilt - guilt around the fact that I ran away and didn't stop to help, which is worsened when I hear stories about the "brave souls" who stopped and helped out.
I feel guilty about the fact that I am suffering so much, when others suffered so much worse - which is what leads to the lying.
And then I feel guilty about lying!
I just feel a constant knot in my stomach about people judging me for any of the above.

 

[Recovery4Me]

So if I understand you correctly (not judging but trying to comprehend) you are changing your narrative (as you understand it to be at this time) or lying because you feel you were expected (by those whom ask for details) to be a superhero?

Might it be that ... you have not found your self-compassion in order to forgive yourself for being human? :hug:

We are often wired for fight, flight or freeze: your body chose the best one for you.:hug:

I am glad that you were quick enough to make it! :hug::hug: I am so sorry for your pain. Please be kind to you and know it is OK to offer the truth if you wish. There may come the season, that you may find a path to help others by just being you. Not everyone is a frontline battle-machine. Healers, supporters and those with the right stuff come in many professions. Believe in yourself that in time...and because you do have time...you will make a difference in the way that makes you special.

Be gentle to yourself as you have been through a lot.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I feel like that makes me an awful person, because there were people there that did see more than me - so I feel like I have no right to be this upset about it

I feel survivor's guilt, too, for other people, and for "my" city... I think of it .... thought of it... as MY city, and I feel like I failed to help my city, and my city died as a result of me not being a good enough person or something. ???

I know that's twisty, twisted thinking.... but that's what so many with PTSD are dealing with. Straightening out the twists.

You know, you don't have to tell people exactly what you experienced

Of course! - it is not anyone else's business except for those you choose to talk to. But if you feel you must say something in response to intrusive questions, then vague is good. I've been asked about my experiences many times, and I really can't give people a straight answer. I don't lie, I just brush it off as best I can. The most common question is, "Where were you?" or "Did anyone you know die?" WHAT?????? Yes, people ask that.
Then the less common but still irritating question, "Were you in the first tower, or the second?" That one never gets an answer from me. Still, I end up feeling guilty that I wasn't in the frigging buildings themselves. I feel guilty for having PTSD, when others have experienced so much worse than I have.
I generally say "close enough" which is certainly not a lie, and I say without so much guilt - every single person in the world was "close enough", or "too close". It's not even a lie of omission, and it puts me in control.

you could think of it like the common cold. Lots of people suffer and get through it in a week. For others it can lead to other stuff that takes months.

This is a great analogy.. I wish I could make myself believe it!

People actually ask you about your trauma?? Wth is wrong with people?

Ha. People are idiots.

i also feel like i shouldn't be traumatized now by this thing that i witnessed many years ago. but i never dealt with it back then and it has only recently been triggered by something else traumatic that i experienced.

This happened to me, too. I had PTSD and was making my way, struggling a little through a decent life.. but then experienced a second major traumatic event which made me burst at the seams. You're not the only one, so many people have this compounded illness.

So I told in vivid detail one time and the woman never again asked me about my abuse.

Ha! I never thought of doing that. Good job! Seriously. I don't think I could do it... but it would surely get a person to stop asking! :eek:

Your thread was very brave.

Yes.

I already feel survivor's guilt - guilt around the fact that I ran away and didn't stop to help,

Me too. And,

Be gentle to yourself as you have been through a lot.

 

[Eliza]

Thanks for your responses - they have been more helpful than the counselling I'm getting! (I just started a thread about that in the Therapy forum.) I wanted to open up to him about the attacks, the flashbacks, the lying, everything. But he just seems to keen to pin my anxiety on my mother... rather than the terrorist!

Nobody has asked about it for a while - in fact, people seem to be avoiding the subject completely. When the Barcelona attack happened, and the violence in Charlottesville, everyone seemed to avoid the topic with me, or change the subject as soon as I brought it up. I think people have gone from being super nosy, to walking on eggshells... I'm not sure which is worse!