AVR-As I began reading, you could have been writing about my life. Your strength is very inspiring.
I married my husband 30 yrs ago and the story began. I was constantly thrown under the bus, no support, could not handle confrontation, etc. Very rigid about behaviors, could only have sex on saturday night, etc. The main thing was that lack of intimacy. We have 2 daughters together. Because I came from such dysfunction, I accepted this passive behavior (didn't see aggression or control) as he was so stable and predictable. Things were always withheld from me, both material and loving, affection, support and all emotional. I wasn't diagnosed ptsd but was ACA(adult children of alcoholic). I got to be the best mom I could be as he was a workaholic for not a high pay. He would do things such as not give me money for kids shoes until payday, when they needed them immediately to start sport, because he would not let his checking account go below $1000 so he got 2 cents interest???Yes, his checking account. We had to keep things separated because that is his way. The big thing was his emotional stinginess. He also let me go 6 months without a stove one time. These things are just examples of his typical behavior.
When my girls were in 7th and 9th grade, after 17 yrs of marriage, he moved out and into his mothers while mad. I was so glad. I filed for divorce. I was a grad student. He refused to sign papers for realtor to sell house. He passively began turning kids against me. We did not fight much so they didn't really understand. I dint have much money for divorce in my circumstance and could not fight him so stayed in house, and he was soo willing to pay house bills and I supported the girls. Since there is no space at his mothers, the girls did not want to go there for visitation, so I had them 24/7 and 365. He is the guy that will do anything but you must tell him or he will step over a dead body in the kitchen. To ask him to pick up milk, he has 20 questions and will somehow screw it up and I will be the witch if I am frustrated with him. Yes it really messes with the partners mind.
I graduated in 2005 and refiled for divorce but before hearing in 2006, I fell in bad accident and have Traumatic brain injury as well as other injuries(others healed) At this point, his behavior, my daughters disrespect and rebellion became harder for me to accept. I had always been very adaptable and let stuff roll off my shoulders. He did little to help raising our kids, but the couple times he helped they remember clearly and give credit, and think nothing of my lifetime devotion to them. After the accident, I needed the health insurance so we postponed divorce again. He still has never shared pension information. I realized by grad school that he is passive aggressive. Since my head injury, I can't take his PA so well, and of course I am the one looking like a fool. Years passed, kids to college, then law school. I received a settlement from my accident and we lived on it as well as made purchases, had become afraid to make the move and health has declined.Then I was assaulted in my home in 2008 and diagnosed with ptsd. This only compounded the serious problems I already had and weakened me. I am the family scapegoat. A couple yrs ago, husband helped me with things and basically has moved back in with agreement of going to
counseling. That failed horribly. We are basically roommates with separate rooms. He has really made little changes. I am pretty ill so I suspect he is just waiting me out.
PA is very difficult to deal with for a healthy person, it is to much of ptsd. It is a really bad combination . This is a great thread and thank you for sharing. I can relate completely. I wish you well. No need to look back. I know that it is something that can't be fixed. PA people really do not think they are doing what they do, they believe what they are saying and one of biggest liars of all.
