Ptsd And Raising A Family

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just recently graduated from the partial hospitalization program. I felt really good about the progress I made. Then, I returned to my teaching job last week. I had 4 days last week and 2 this week. I spent half of the weekend crying and the other half enjoying life.

Today, at school I had an incident with another educator and it made me break down in tears. I made a comment that upset her even though that was entirely not my intent- I simply was stating how overwhelmed I feel by coming back and that I can't add any more work. She took it to mean that I thought she had lots of time to add this extra task into her time. Anyway, I started to cry because her words were so harsh. Another teacher tried to comfort me and I pulled it together to finish the meeting.

Apparently I hung onto those feelings because I came home and cried (even though that educator and I had apologized). Then, my family came home and I had zero patience for them. I switched to an alter that yelled at the kids, then went upstairs and screamed, and then ran out of the house. I came back in control and sat outside for awhile crying and wishing that life was different. I know that does no good, but I couldn't help myself.

I finally remembered about grounding techniques and got myself calmed down enough to come back in the house (it's below freezing outside). I am wondering if others out there have any strategies that work for balancing work, raising a family, and living with PTSD.

 

[RussH]

Hi J, No ideas, but I wanted to say it is good to see you back on the forum. You have been missed.

 

[rightkindofme]

That sounds rough. If you accept internet hugs, please consider them offered.

It's hard to balance everything. I used to teach and now I home school my kids and write books and do a whole bunch of other things.

I have to build in breaks in the day. Like, I can't walk in and be "on". I need to be able to sit and read a book and get used to the kids being loud and disruptive while I'm doing something calming after I transition from work. I tell them, "I'll give you a hug and a kiss but then I'm sitting down for a bit. I need to chill." That's when I'm being sensible and managing my symptoms.

When I don't do this and I try to be there for them immediately... I do pretty much exactly what you described (minus the upstairs cause I have a one story house).

But this is big progress for me. I haven't broken a hole in a wall or broken cabinets or any other property damage in more than three years. Just screaming sometimes is not that bad.

We have books about living with parents who have mental illness. I talk to my kids a lot about how my mood swings are about chemicals in my body and they are *not* because of my kids or their behavior. Given that I sometimes flip out when they are being really angelic... they are confident I'm just kind of unstable. Which is mixed.

Parenting with mental illness is so complicated.

 

[shimmerz]

As above, no advice (my kids are grown) but I wanted to give you hugs as well. :hug: :hug: :hug: Overwhelm is crap.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@rightkindofme - I am interested in that you said you have books about living with parents with mental illness. Can you steer me in the direction of any good titles? My kids are 2 and 5 so I haven't really talked to them about having mental illness but the 5 year old definitely notices things.

 

[Momofthree]

I have several things that I do to help me balance my three kids, going to college full time, work, and a social life.
First grounding, grounding, grounding! Grounding has saved me more time then I can count. You have to practice at it but it works wonders.
Second is meditation, I wake up an hour before my kids get up, pour myself a cup of coffee and sip it in my dark room while I meditate on all the blessings I have in my life, then I do it again in the evening after the kids go to bed minus the coffee. It isn't easy, I have to be disciplined in giving myself quit time, but I know that if I don't wake up early because I want to sleep an extra hour or if I watch TV before bed instead of having quit time in the dark my day is wrecked and I'm worthless. I hope that helps.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Momofthree - I am definitely working on the grounding techniques. They're helping, just not as automatic now that I am back into the fullness of my life. I like your idea about an hour of quiet time in the morning, but I'd be getting up at 4:30 then and I don't think I could handle that. I do take some quiet time before I greet the kids in the morning- about 10-15 minutes.

 

[Momofthree]

I used to get up at 4:30, but managed to arrange the kids wake up to 6:30 so now I get up at 5:30, I'm hoping to push them back to 7 in the summer so I can sleep till 6. If you can't give yourself an hour at least give yourself enough time to take a hot shower and meditate for a few minuets. As for the grounding I swear by it so much that I just recently tattooed my grounding phrases on my wrists. Just remember that you aren't super woman, you can't do it all and that is ok! Give yourself the grace to be human.

 

[scout86]

I don't have a family. I can only imagine the level of stress that adds to the mix, but they, of course, are the most important part of the mix.

I talked about this once with someone who deals with soldiers with PTSD. He asked what I did for a living and was interested to learn that I'm self employed in what I suppose you could call a skilled trade. He said that he knows a fair number of veterans who are similarly employed. Different fields, but they are in positions where they have a lot of control over their work situations.

So, just for something different, have you ever considered changing you work situation? I'm not sure what you teach, could you do private tutoring instead? Some kind of situation where you're teaching more one on one and don't have to interact so much with so many people in so many highly variable circumstances?

I've learned, over time, that there are some kinds of jobs I can do and some that I just can't. I don't do well, for example, dealing with office politics and lots of "random" people trying to boss me around. I don't do well if I have to depend on others, unless it's one of those rare situations where they are actually dependable enough to suit me. If I have to work for someone else, I'm better off in a situation where they tell me what they need done and then leave me alone to do it my own way.

Your job seems to be the source of SO much stress! Is there anyway you can take your training and use it differently, to avoid some of the stressors you run into now? A person can only handle so much. If you didn't have to burn up quite so much of your reserves at work, you'd have more left for the home front.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I was a stay at home Mom because I couldn't handle work and children. I went back to work part time when they were in school. My ex made dinner, I did everything else-everything. I was so exhausted all the time. My son is dyslexic and I had to move heaven and earth to get him help. He was very difficult I cried every day. Work made me feel better about myself. Once my son got his drivers license, things got easier. I always wished that I had not gone back to work. It was exhausting. But when you're home you can have freedom to pace the day, take a nap, be out in Nature. I never could balance it. I'm too fragile. My children are grown now and it was all worth it to see them happy, with great partners and careers they love. They never talk of marrying or having children though. My daughter and I share an anxious personality. Unlike my mother who shamed me for being sensitive, I was able to support and help her through her anxieties.
My son had a great therapist who helped me. He's the first person I ever told that I was sexually abused. Then I proceeded to fall completely apart. And I am still down the rabbit hole. Having quiet time daily has always helped me get through the day. Exercise helped. At work the day was long but predictable. I had to stop working in the ER. I didn't have to find order in a classroom of twenty plus different individuals. My mother taught second grade and she always sat for an hour when she got home and she made me and my sisters cook and clean and laundry and I had to correct her papers then I had to do my homework. Life is stressful, I drank too much, I never rose to my full potential. I never found balance.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Just remember that you aren't super woman, you can't do it all and that is ok! Give yourself the grace to be human.

That is great advice. And advice I need to remember!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So, just for something different, have you ever considered changing you work situation? I'm not sure what you teach, could you do private tutoring instead? Some kind of situation where you're teaching more one on one and don't have to interact so much with so many people in so many highly variable circumstances?

Actually, I LOVE teaching. I teach reading and writing to third graders. It is the best. My problem is that being a teacher means that your work doesn't stop outside of the classroom- there's a lot I bring home. I have done tutoring kinds of things in the past and I don't like it. I have been an ed. tech before (working one on one or in small groups with special needs kids) and I found it too boring. I really love teaching. But you're right it does add a lot of stress. I have been thinking about job changes though.