PTSD; Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Terrapin]

Emilia,

What you did is not unforgivable and many kids that age had similar experiences regardless if they had been abused or not. You were a just a child then and children do strange things sometimes, it is all part of growing up. I also had mixed up sexual feelings I experienced at that age.

Some of my shame is from that age because I did not do more to protect my step sisters from my brothers sexual abuse. They came to live with us after being abused and neglected by their mother and my brother started abusing them more and me less. I was unable to speak up when asked what was wrong. I carried that burden for years before forgiving myself. Please realize that you were still just a child then and find a way to forgive yourself.

You said you have a good relationship with your brother, have you been able to talk to him about other problems related to your trauma? If it makes you uncomfortable to tell him about this maybe you should not and if it would cause him distress maybe some things are better left unsaid. You know your brother and how he may react. I do not want to offer advise on what you should do I can only share what I have done to help myself heal. I was able to talk to my step sisters about feeling so bad about not speaking up and protecting them, their response was we were just kids back then. I was finally able to forgive myself for not protecting them. I still feel shame about it, but with my self forgiveness and them forgiving me it is not as painful now.

You are still very welcome to be here on this forum. We can not change what we have done or what we have been through in the past we can only be in the present and move forward. Please stay a part of this forum for awhile if it will make you feel better.

Hope you get your computer glitches worked out soon. I hate when my computer is not behaving.

Terrapin

 

[dharmaBum]

Welcome Emilia!

I hope this forum and the articles on the website help support you in your recovery and healing.

 

[dhawkins78412]

Hi-As the others have said your english is great. I couldn't imagine speaking swedish. I was also sexually abused as a child/teen. And it messed up my life totally. I was having difficulty in school. I had trouble focusing and concentrating. And there were times of depression. I also used drugs and alcohol.

I joined the army to phycially get away from my stepfather. I wanted to go to college but didn't have the money. I didn't even know about fianancial aid. Shows how much my parents were concerned about my future. I started college and had the same problems focusing and concentrating.

I was financially supporting myself,which is a given. I didn't want to go to the big city and become a prostitute. It would've been more of the same. But it's like doing these other things (working, going to church, etc) rather than concentrating on me. Where did me come in, in all this. So I retired from the army and now get a retirement check, which is very nice. I'm also working now. The stress aggravates my ptsd. I'm on meds and talk to the psychiatrist when I see him to review my meds.

Another psychiatrist, who was not very good, thought I had adhd and tried me on meds. The med made me feel weird so I quit taking it. I think all of it, jumpiness, hypervigilant, being hyper is all a result of the ptsd. Regardless of what the psychiatrist says. Its difficult to find a good therapist.

Iknow what you mean about the reactions especially in public. I was playing volleyball and the ball was coming at me fast. I instinctively put my arms up like I did when my mom would hit me. I hoped people didn't see it as I knew it was from the past.

I also had the feeling it was my fault. But in a sort of different way. I was kind of independent as a child and somewhat out spoken. I think I was a normal, active kid. I just had screwed up parents , I used to think I was chosen because of that. Someone wanting to hurt a strong willed child. I also felt ashamed that I didn't tell anyone else. You just didn't talk to others about that. And I was afraid of the repurcussions that I might get for saying anything. My parent's scared me. guess that was their intention.

I've also got better in not blaming myself from other peoples actions. I think I can prevent further events by being in control; which is very tiring. One therapist told me that others behavior is a reflection of them. Not a reflection of you. It took me a long time to get that in my head. I'm pretty good now at remembering that now. Dont' know if you've heard you're not responsible for what others think,feel,say or do.

I've found writing in a journal helps a lot. It doesn't help much if I'm in a panic attack or depressed. The abuse intrudes on my thoughts the whole time and I feel miserable.
Take care of yourself. Hope this helps.

 

[Ronja]

... when I change [the default forum language] to Swedish I find it even harder to understand... So I have changed back to english and will keep on trying to write the best I can if it's okey that my spelling and grammar is looking like this... I have used the swedish translation while reading articles and find it good to read them both in english and swedish.

This is my experience, too. Swedish is my native language.

Take care, Emilia, hopefully you will come back again.