Relationship Ptsd Combat Vet

[windswept]

I don't understand... What did this "episode look like? Could you please clarify this statement?

Dito... What do you mean? Did he have trouble in some way?

The episode was he shoved me off, ran to the corner shaking, and then started screaming at me. He screamed at me he was going to to call the cops unless I left right away, that I was the dumbest b*tch on the planet to say hate to a vet, you only say hate when you are going to kill someone, he never wanted to talk or see me ever again, and I was lucky his gun was upstairs.


The messing is when tickles me when we have sex.

 

[windswept]

Yeah the "salvageable" thing honestly made my stomach turn as well. I would never even ask anyone if they thought my vet was salvageable or worth my time. That makes it sound like he's some sort of scrap or something. That statement made me very sad. Not attacking you, just saying. Hope you find some direction.

I have been lied to a played a lot. Men like to use excuses to get sex out of girls. I was not meaning that the person I think he is not worth a relationship. I love him and that's why I am going through all this as i hope he does actually care about me and can have a healthy relationship. I am saying that in normal circumstances when a man treats a girl like this, he isn't boyfriend material.

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! Based on the tiny snippet of information provided - you need to end all contact with this man.

Your view of him appears to be that you require him to be 100% cured before you will date him exclusively. He cannot erase his deployment trauma and become "normal". Being "friends" with him while dating other men - which you know hurts him - doesn't seem to me to show the love you say you feel for him.

You appear to think that you know a lot about PTSD but then ask this community if WE think HE is salvageable - you didn't ask if the relationship was salvageable - you asked if HE was.

You didn't say "I left because I was afraid for my safety". You said you left because "I know with PTSD you leave them alone". That statement comes across as an arrogant generalization. Some sufferers may need to be left alone in certain situations. In other situations the same sufferer may need someone on hand.

You sound like you are "ticking boxes" and evaluating his worth to you as a potential partner. I don't hear much sympathy for what he is going through or any consideration of what you might be able to offer him as a partner.

I think the best thing for both of you would be to end all contact.

 

[windswept]

@Sighs

I started dating other guys as he told me to. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I deserve to be happy. I was devastated when he flipped out on me. I was in love with him and the man I loved was suggesting he had the capacity to kill me. He basically only had very minimal contact for a week with him re-posting his dating profile. His dating profile is still up as we speak. I know me dating hurts his feelings, but he says he doesn't want to take his or mine down until he "figures" it out.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a bit perturbed as well. Salvageable? That's a pretty disparaging way to talk about a person, no matter who they are, or what their issues are. I'd hope that you'd question whether or not the RELATIONSHIP was salvageable!

And then you think he is in it for the booty call, which I find to be equally offensive. Honestly, I think you *think* you know about PTSD because you've written a few papers, but in all honesty, you've barely scratched the surface.

I honestly think that you may have a few relationship issues of your own if your first thought after a reaction like that is that he's using his PTSD as an excuse to get sex. This is why I say you really have no clue about the disorder in that it is incredibly hard for most of us to get close with anyone, let alone go out and become a player.

Are you sure you're not jumping in to all of this because you've written a few papers and now think you know all about the disorder and think you can help him, "salvage" him?

If someone questioned me and said I was using my PTSD as an excuse for ANYTHING, they'd be out the door so fast.... So perhaps you should ask him this question face to face. Then again, I don't think you will as you know it would be the final nail in the coffin as to say something so incredibly hurtful to someone.

I think perhaps you should do a bit more "research" on PTSD before making the assumptions that you do.

 

[windswept]

I'm a bit perturbed as well. Salvageable? That's a pretty disparaging way to talk about a person, no matter who they are, or what their issues are. I'd hope that you'd question whether or not the RELATIONSHIP was salvageable!

I think he is a "player" as he re-posted his dating profile. He says it hurts him to know I am dating, but doesn't want to take his or my dating profile down. We also usually end up having sex basically every time I see him.

 

[Justmehere]

@windswept

Your first post and the subsequent ones don't make me at all concerned about him. He had PTSD and it sounds like he is very invested in treatment. He could totally be playing you - it's hard to say. He could also just be very hurt and making t clear he is moving on. Maybe he sees this as a friends with benefits thing. As far as his PTSD, I think things will get better for him in the long run if he sticks out treatment.

I am however quite concerned about you.

PTSD or not, why would you want to stay with a guy who treats you this way? Screams at you and then goes and finds other women? PTSD doesn't include the symptom of playing around. You are really going to be friends and leave the door open to date again? And you will date when his behavior is 100 percent on the level? How will you judge this?

You very much overly pathologize his behaviors in huge ways. The way you talk about PTSD and him is so very hurtful, it brings tears to my own eyes. While I don't condone his very rude treatment of you, your arrogant down talking of him and know it all attitude would have freaked me out as well, and that's not just because I have PTSD. It's a cruel way to treat any romantic partner.

You talk of slavaging him - to a community of people with the same condition.

Your minor in undergraduate psychology has not given you the practical day to day skills you need to be in a romantic or respectful friendship with someone with PTSD or even a good clear understanding of PTSD. At all. Most therapists have to go through extra training after GRAD school to really competently help someone with PTSD.

People with PTSD don't need our romantic partners to be in the savior role. Maybe you should read up on unhealthy caretaking and codependency patterns in supporters as well as what people with PTSD go through.

It is also pretty unaware of you to come post on a PTSD community and talk about a fellow sufferer as being salvageable or not. Holy cow. You don't seem to have awareness how that might make fellow sufferers feel.

I don't think you should try to salvage this relationship. For your good and his. Don't try to do the friend thing - you will only get hurt and likely trigger the heck out of him again and again. Let this one go. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

I think you should go to counseling and work on you. We all have stuff, PTSD or not. I tell all supporters to get their own support, including theraputic support. In your case, counseling will likely help you have more successful dating relationships in the future. Counseling can help you learn how to pick guys that don't play you, that don't lie, and that are able to be the safe steady kind of guy you want.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Again, I think you need to do more research on PTSD. Commitment scares the EFF out of many of us. I think you're applying "normal" standards to a condition which causes life to deviate from the norm. Unfortunately you can't really expect everything in a PTSD relationship to be as "normal".

Please let him go. I don't think you understand that he's never going to be at 100%. You have this unreasonable expectation and it simply isn't going to happen. I'm not saying he can't get better, what I'm saying is that we can't give anyone, anywhere, at any time a 100% guarantee that we will be 100% on the level for the rest of our lives. This disorder is permanent. It may go into remission, and we may have periods of being symptom free.

Can I ask where you got all of your information for these research papers?

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I agree with @Solara . I have been involved with my vet for two years, he's had a very hard time getting close to me and the first year he was incredibly distant. Six months ago he finally showed me the first signs of affection. We've still never had sex because for him to be vulnerable in that way with me is hard for him. Today he was trying to express his feelings for me and I said "you don't like the way I make you feel do you?" His reply was "I do and it scares me". Just curious though if you think he's a player then why would you pursue it any farther?

 

[Sighs]

Lol - if he's a trained front line soldier with combat experience I guarantee you he has the capacity to kill you!

Definition of 'capacity" = ability to perform or produce

(Did any other partner of a combat vet snort with laughter at this?)

 

[Seagreen]

It sounds like he is doing all of the right things to aid his recovery. That is a really positive thing. What happened when you were having sex is called a Flashback and is a common symptom for people who have PTSD. You did your best but a different approach might have been better. If you are really considering a long term relationship with this guy it might help to educate yourself on what to do next time. This wont be the last time it happens. It can take years and years to get to the "normal life" stage with PTSD, if it happens at all. You probably felt like you were doing the right thing at the time by leaving but try to put yourself in his shoes. He has just had sex, he is standing in the corner terrified and alone. He is naked and feeling vulnerable. You see him in horrible distress, you get dressed and leave. He is probably thinking either you don't care, you think he is crazy and / or you cant handle it. He was probably already really embarrassed by what happened which may have been compounded by your leaving. If it were me I would break it off and delete the person on Facebook too. You were right to give him space but next time ask if he would like to be alone or if there is anything else you can do. Leave the room but stay nearby unless he tells you to go home. Then leave. Otherwise go for a walk or a into another room and tell him you'll be there for him when needs you. Let him come to you. He may need you afterward to remind him that you are here for him. Don't make a big deal out of it, he probably feels pretty overwhelmed. It would also help if you talk to him about how he would like you to respond next time. That is if he is willing. A relationship with a PTSD suffer is not smooth sailing so if you decide to go down that road be aware that it will be difficult. Only you can decide if you think it will be worth it. If not that is ok, you don't owe him anything.

 

[Justmehere]

As far as the comment you made to him, saying that you hate something he does in a very intimate vulnerable moment - it probably stirred up insecurity and fear he has about being close. His reaction was way out of line, and it sounds like you did the right thing by leaving when he said he would call the cops if you didn't leave.

However, something is amiss. You first described that you left because you know you should leave when this happens for someone with PTSD. Then you only later describe that he was threatening to call the cops if you didn't leave. You tried to make this look like he freaked due to PTSD and you did all the right thing by leaving. Maybe he was just so freaked out he was threatening to call the cops out of his fear or desire to make you go - but even when freaked out, people don't usually jump to threatening to call the police on someone who is already leaving anyhow because that is what they think should be done for that person's pathology. The whole thing doesn't quite add up to me.

And if the relationship has the potential to escalate that fast like that all based on his pathology alone, why in the world would you risk your safety and future law enforcement involvement just because you try to tell him something simple like you don't like being tickled? It would take a lot of work by both of you to make his relationship work, and I'm quite concerned one of you would get hurt or arrested quite quickly into it and have a whole new set of problems o deal with.

Whatever happened between you two, if this is all him, run. If it isn't all him, run, just as fast.