spinningmytires
Confident
I was diagnosed with 'PTSD -- suspected victim of sexual abuse' after my brain surgery in 2018. From about age 4 to age 35, I had experienced non-contact sexual abuse by my father. By age 24, both my T and I thought I had resolved my sexual abuse issues.
By age 28 I was falling back into depression. My search for any meaningful relationship was beginning to seem highly unlikely. Not until age 55 had I again become sexually intimate with a long-time, internet friend. We're still good friends though he lives a four hour drive away from me. Now, at age 73, I think I might have only learned to dissociate during physical intimacy, as I had previously learned to dissociate during my father's non-contact sexual abuse.
In 2019 I was again evaluated by a psychiatrist -- I've had several therapists over the years. She told me that she knew of no drug that could help me. (I've been off all psychotropic drugs since 1978) She also said that I was very open and that, if, I did decide to go back into therapy that, she would recommend that I see an older Phd and that, EMDR wouldn't help me.
So last summer I did see a Phd. During our sixth session she told me that she still couldn't find the source of my trauma. Over my lifetime, I've had over 500 hours of talk-therapy and I wasn't holding back any information from this T. So with very little else to talk about, I terminated.
My life situation is almost unbelievably dire. Now my PTSD might only be one small part of it. My CSA was only 'non contact' sexual abuse, as I can recall. Later on, none of my few intimate relationships had been physically nor emotionally close enough to have been sexually abusive. The man I had been seeing intimately during my mid 50s was a perfect gentleman.
I think I just dissociate whenever I feel the least bit unsafe or uncertain about another person's intentions. I'm not even consciously aware that I'm being hyper-vigilant. I'm not aware of feeling any anxiety when being examined by a medical doctor nor when talking to my T.
If my T can't find the source of my trauma does this really matter in regards to my PTSD recovery?
Perhaps a better option for me might be to seek an alternate or supportive therapy rather than a trauma-therapist? Have you any suggestions because at this point I am lost?
I realize that PTSD doesn't just go away on its own. Yet, my many years of talk-therapy have helped me to ease some of my symptoms. My doctors have recently advised me to get more therapy.
By age 28 I was falling back into depression. My search for any meaningful relationship was beginning to seem highly unlikely. Not until age 55 had I again become sexually intimate with a long-time, internet friend. We're still good friends though he lives a four hour drive away from me. Now, at age 73, I think I might have only learned to dissociate during physical intimacy, as I had previously learned to dissociate during my father's non-contact sexual abuse.
In 2019 I was again evaluated by a psychiatrist -- I've had several therapists over the years. She told me that she knew of no drug that could help me. (I've been off all psychotropic drugs since 1978) She also said that I was very open and that, if, I did decide to go back into therapy that, she would recommend that I see an older Phd and that, EMDR wouldn't help me.
So last summer I did see a Phd. During our sixth session she told me that she still couldn't find the source of my trauma. Over my lifetime, I've had over 500 hours of talk-therapy and I wasn't holding back any information from this T. So with very little else to talk about, I terminated.
My life situation is almost unbelievably dire. Now my PTSD might only be one small part of it. My CSA was only 'non contact' sexual abuse, as I can recall. Later on, none of my few intimate relationships had been physically nor emotionally close enough to have been sexually abusive. The man I had been seeing intimately during my mid 50s was a perfect gentleman.
I think I just dissociate whenever I feel the least bit unsafe or uncertain about another person's intentions. I'm not even consciously aware that I'm being hyper-vigilant. I'm not aware of feeling any anxiety when being examined by a medical doctor nor when talking to my T.
If my T can't find the source of my trauma does this really matter in regards to my PTSD recovery?
Perhaps a better option for me might be to seek an alternate or supportive therapy rather than a trauma-therapist? Have you any suggestions because at this point I am lost?
I realize that PTSD doesn't just go away on its own. Yet, my many years of talk-therapy have helped me to ease some of my symptoms. My doctors have recently advised me to get more therapy.