Sufferer Ptsd, Disassociation, Self Harm, Sexual Abuse

[Sammyiam]

Hello,
I am a mother of grown up children in there twenties and married, but am struggling to hold my life together.

I was sexual abused when a little child, over a period of years and raped in my late 20's. My family still has no idea what happened to me apart from my husband and some close friends, I've had a few other very traumatic things happen which has lead to the above problems. The doctor and psychiatrist has put me on meds and I suffer from depression and anxiety, and am finding it all a bit much.

I am having therapy but am just struggling, I have never written anything on the internet or been in any posts etc before I have been a member for a while but have been to scared to write anything.

Can I please just ask can you get over this or does it just gobble up your life like I feel right now, it just feels so big that I feel I will never be able to beat this and I am so scared that it is overcoming me and I don't know who I am anymore I really feel that I am losing myself to this and not able to really know what to do any more.

Please help as I don't know what to do. I hope I have written this in the right place and haven't done anything wrong

 

[Notsowild]

Hi @Sammyiam... Welcome to the forum. This is a great place. I too was sexually abused as a child. Sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I also have the anxiety and panic attacks. Do you have a trauma therapist? Can I ask you why you are struggling in therapy?

 

[Mercy]

Thank you for introducing yourself, Sammylam. It took a lot of courage and I am glad you did it. Each new person enriches the forum

can I please just ask can you get over this or does it just gobble up your life like I feel right now, it just feels so big that I feel I will never be able to beat this and I am so scared that it is overcoming me and I don't know who I am anymore I really feel that I am losing myself to this and not able to really know what to do any more

There have been times when I have been in a similar place as you are now. Healing seems to require that we learn who we became and don't really want to be that way anymore. Feeling lost is also something many here experience. For most people it is actually a good thing. Like the Phenix bird which burns up into ashes and then rises new again, these lost times are like that for me. Some the the damage is 'burnt up'. I always rise again.

At times, it really does feel overwhelming and too big to handle. Talk with your therapist. maybe you need to slow down in therapy and cope with what you all ready know.

Welcome, Sammyiam

 

[open eyes]

It's good that you're seeing professionals, & a few people close to you do know.

The thing with PTSD is that it's never truly gone. But you can learn how to lead a stable life, the intensity & frequency of your symptoms can be managed- all of it gets easier once you start dealing with your trauma. It absolutely does not have to gobble up your life if you don't let it. But that will take hard work.

You have definitely posted this in the right place. :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sammyiam,

Welcome to the forum! :)

You did a great job with your post and I know there were periods where I didn't know whether or not I would recover. As yo read, you'll find there are many members who have also felt that way, but as you read you will also see that people do recover. A good trauma therapist can really help with the recovery and there are things you can do that will also help with symptoms. Sometimes it takes trying a variety of things before you find something that helps you individually.

Debbie

 

[Sammyiam]

Thank you very much for your replies ,I am having trouble with therapy as I find it hard to open up and talk about things and when I start I find I just flip out into my own little world and have no idea what I have said or done, they have said its dissociation but I do it all the time when talking to my therapist , but never do it with my partner as I don't talk to him at all about it , I feel like I'm going crazy why do I do it when in therapy but not with my partner , I find I'm on all these meds and they just keep upping them and I'm not getting a lot better ,in some things I'm a bit better but in other ways there isn't a lot of difference , I just seem to be slowly feeling less and less and withdrawing from all my friends more and more.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi @SammyiamDo you have a trauma therapist? Can I ask you why you are struggling in therapy?

Sorry I replied in the wrong place it's down further in the post sorry , but I forgot to say yes it is a trauma therapist and they do emdr etc as well as other things. Sorry about replying in the wrong way and thank you so much for the replies

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome @Sammyiam

I too suffered childhood sexual assault (CSA) and its now as an adult (with growing kids) that I recently started seeking therapy. It has not been easy, but this forum has helped immensely.

dissociation but I do it all the time when talking to my therapist , but never do it with my partner as I don't talk to him at all about it , I feel like I'm going crazy why do I do it when in therapy but not with my partner

This is not crazy....I am no expert, but this makes complete sense to me. I disassociate when I'm stressed with something linked to my CSA, and I did it with my first T. I don't dissociate with my husband, because I feel safe with him and we don't discuss my issues (but he knows of them).

 

[Sammyiam]

I disassociate when I'm stressed with something linked to my CSA, and I did it with my first T. I don't dissociate with my husband, because I feel safe with him and we don't discuss my issues (but he knows of them).

Thank you, my husband knows bits of my past but not many details as he gets so angry about the men who abused me so I am to scared to talk to him about it, he is only thinking of me and trying to protect me but it makes me worse when I see him struggling with it all , It makes it hard when you still see the men once or twice a week driving around, but I think that's why I don't disassociate around him as when he sees me bad it makes him feel bad and I hate that , I feel like I'm letting him down and that I am really useless and feel loads of shame and guilt , that's why I don't ever talk to him about my past much in detail , I have a huge fear of dying early because of my past and that I'm a bad person and something bad is going to happen to me because of it, I just don't know what to do anymore

 

[ghotiff]

This stuff is hard to deal with. Can I ask (you have no need to answer), how long you have been having therapy? I get the sense that you have only recently started, but maybe I am wrong with that.

 

[Sammyiam]

...how long you have been having therapy? I get the sense that you have only recently started, but maybe I am wrong with that.

Hi , I spent 20years and told no one then in my late 20s told a couple of close friends and one took advantage when drunk and did the same thing when to see a therapist 3 or 4 times and it got to much so did nothing for the next 20 years just over worked so I didn't stop and think then had a major trauma with one of my children and it brought all the past back went to see someone on and off for 3 years and have just started back seeing someone and have seen them 3 or 4 times but it's the first time I went to see a doctor and gone on meds etc , I've been on meds for about 6 months. Thank you for the reply

 

[ghotiff]

just over worked so I didn't stop and think

I hear you on that one.

If you are seeing a new therapist and have only seen them 3 or 4 times and are discussing your abuse and disassociating, then I think you might be pushing yourself too hard and too fast. This happened to me recently and I ended up leaving that T and starting again with a new one. I have made it very clear to my new T that I will not discuss my abuse for quite some time.