Sufferer Ptsd, Disassociation, Self Harm, Sexual Abuse

[Sammyiam]

If you are seeing a new therapist and have only seen them 3 or 4 times and are discussing your abuse and disassociating, then I think you might be pushing yourself too hard and too fast.

I also disassociated when seeing the other therapist as well and I have done it with a couple of close friends as well , it seems to be when I'm stressed more or talk about anything at all to do with most things when I was little , but it just seems to take me over and I carn't seem to stop it . It's happening more and more lately I have always felt very spacy like just sitting and steering into space , even my children when little used to say mum why do you stare into space so much, I lose time often and seem to just take so long to do a simple job sometimes I carn't work out why, it sounds like I'm so stupid doesn't it .

 

[Lucycat]

I also disassociated when seeing the other therapist as well and I have done it with a couple of close friends as well , it seems to be when I'm stressed more or talk about anything at all to do with most things when I was little , but it just seems to take me over and I can't seem to stop it

This is all perfectly 'normal' in the realms of PTSD due to childhood events.

It is very scary to dissociate, but it is a learned skill. In childhood it helped you to cope with the unimaginable. The thing now is that it is no longer required but is hard to give up. As others have said, therapy needs to be at a very slow pace, so that you are only dealing with stuff that wont overwhelm you. Tiny bit by bit. If you are dissociated then you are not actually processing the memories.

As you deal with stuff it does get easier to stay present. It is a stress reaction, and facing your childhood is understandably stressful. I think you need to be very patient. Your therapist needs to know just how much you are struggling, and perhaps you need to revisit grounding techniques. I have been in therapy for 4 years for childhood sexual abuse and yet even now my T checks that I am not dissociating when we do EMDR as he knows how easy it is for me to 'zone out'

Please take care and be kind to yourself.

 

[Sammyiam]

This is all perfectly 'normal' in the realms of PTSD due to childhood events.

Thanks lucycat,
How come I disassociate with some people but manage to not do it with other people, is it just me or do other people do that, sometimes I've been really spacey at places but managed to somehow hide it from most people and some people that do pick it up I think just think I'm a bit weird but some times I'm completely off the planet and have no idea what I've done or said normally that only happens in therapy but I just feel like I'm going crazy I feel like such a loser.

 

[Lucycat]

I think it is how stressed that person makes you feel.

If I tell something to my husband I will usually be OK.

If I tell that same thing to my T I might 'zone out' because I feel there is pressure from T to say more, or he might ask a question, or ask how I feel about something. He might want to 'work' on something I have said.

There are times at work when I will zone out under stress. It will happen with my boss ( who I hate and feel threatened by) but not with a very good understanding colleague.

I might be totally relaxed with friends, say in the pub and everything is fine. Then I might overhear something from some random stranger's conversation elsewhere in the premises that mentions 'paedophile'. My friends wont even have heard the word that has triggered me- but I can be on another planet in an instant and then suddenly my friends are speaking to me and asking me if I am deep in thought or something or what is going on.

But the good thing is that as you learn to recognise all the things that trigger you, they have less impact. So now that word does not still trigger me, although great detail might. The impact does get less and less over time. But, as I said before, 4 years of therapy and it is still there - but on the sidelines now.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Lucycat, Sorry I'm not sure how to reply and I mucked that up I tried to put the bit where you said your friends ask you if you are deep in thought , that happens to me all the time , like most days, I'm really finding this so hard , like I said earlier I think it's just taking me over and I carn't see a way through it , I really don't know what to do anymore it seems to just eat away at your life bit by bit taking a little more each day until you feel like you have no more to give, I think I am such a different person now that I don't know who I am anymore and I don't really feel anything anymore either , I just feel like I am doing everything in automatic mode and what everyone expects you to do just to look and act like normal so nobody actually knows the real you or the pain you have inside, and you are to scared to show anyone , you spend all your time hiding from everyone, like you are two completely different people the one you are and the one you show people, it just gets so much you feel so lonely inside but look normal on the outside

 

[Sammyiam]

Sorry about my grammar mistakes I would fix them up but don't know how to edit a post once it is already up. I'm very sorry.

 

[Lucycat]

Just take one day at a time.
Enjoy the little things.
Try to do things that you used to enjoy - even if you don't feel like it
Try to get ( even a little) fresh air and exercise.

Stop worrying about things you cannot control.
Talk to your T about all your concerns and fears. I remember feeling like I was going mad, and I would be like it forever. T was really good at reassuring me that this was a temporary blip, I was not/am not mad and none of us is designed to cope with such extremes.

like you are two completely different people the one you are and the one you show people

That also is very common. These two people will get closer and closer until they merge. Then you will realise that you were not hiding after all, and people really did see the real you. It was the bits inside that were struggling.

 

[Mercy]

I am doing everything in automatic mode and what everyone expects you to do just to look and act like normal so nobody actually knows the real you or the pain you have inside, and you are to scared to show anyone , you spend all your time hiding from everyone, like you are two completely different people the one you are and the one you show people, it just gets so much you feel so lonely inside but look normal on the outside

I have an everyday look normal part of me too. I call her Pollyanna because she always sees the good in things. I think she developed as a child who had to go to school and do sleep-overs with friends. I know that it is lonely and unreal feeling when we feel we need to hide our pain and suffering from other people.

This is a stage of the healing process. Both parts of your behavior are still you. As you learn about your pain and how to be with it, the number of times you need to separate out will be less until it becomes unneccessary. That takes a lot of time in theraphy and hard work on your part. It is definitely worth it. :hug: