General Ptsd Fiance, Need Support....................

[jad]

I'm new here and this is my 1st post, so sorry if it's in the wrong section. My fiance who I've been with for 3 years and we have an 18 month little boy has military PTSD. I just wanted to ask if anger is normal for a sufferer. I am his constant verbal punch bag. He vents all his frustration out on me. Others don't see this side of him. He's really evil and says some horrible things. I get so upset with what he says. everything I say he wants to turn into an argument, but I try and not rise to the bait. He says when he's like this not to take it to heart as he doesn't mean it, but it's so hard when he comes out with horrible things. I do love him, but finding it so hard at the moment. Just wanted some support from others in the same situation.

 

[ill]

It's not uncommon for people with PTSD to be angry or have anger issues, but that doesn't give him license to mistreat you. If he's using you as a verbal punching bag, he's being abusive. If he doesn't mean it, he needs to stop saying it/behaving that way. He knows he has PTSD, he knows he has anger issues, he knows that he lashes out at you, and he's asking you to accept it, not hold it against him, and remember that he doesn't mean it? That's an awful lot to ask of you. By my measure, too much. And in the meantime, what the heck is he doing? What concrete steps is he taking to ensure that he learns to manage his anger and frustration in a way that is appropriate and not abusive?

No matter how much you love him and no matter how much he loves you, you do not deserve to be mistreated. You aren't a punching bag. You're a human being and you deserve to be treated as such. It's a horrible thing to be undermined in a relationship where you are supposed to be able to be safe. It can be traumatic. I understand that you want to be there for him, but your responsibility is to yourself and your little boy. If he can't love you in a way that is healthy and safe and loving - because people can love you in ways that aren't loving - then you may need to leave. If you do decide to leave, please be careful and ask for help from people you can trust. You only mentioned emotional abuse here, but people who behave abusively can become even worse when you attempt to leave. I don't want to scare you but I do want you to be safe.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I agree will Ill 100%.

 

[JarHed]

Hi Jad

Your boyfriends actions are 'normal' for someone with combat PTSD. What I'd ask is this; how long has he been out, is he receiving treatment as in therapy or medications. Those are important factors for him in his journey to wellness. As someone with combat PTSD I can say that it sounds like he's at the beginning of it all I'm sure he's filled with anger about many things. Unfortunately he's the one that needs to do something about it.

You need to think of the safety of both yourself and your child. Those that start with the verbal stuff usually graduate to more violent physical actions if they don't get help. You can support him in his work to get better but he's got to do the work himself. If he'd like to talk to other vets with similar problems he can come over to the sister site for Combat PTSD where he may be able to talk about and get some feedback about his situation.

It's not going to go away or get better for either of you if he doesn't do something about it. Stay safe, stay strong and the best of luck to you both.

JarHed

 

[jad]

Thanks for your replies. JarHed he's on Fluxotine, but doesn't always take it. Infact he told me yesterday he hadn't taken any for a week which I think is why he's been so full of temper recently. He was really horrible yesterday, starting with road rage which resulted in him speeding up behind them nearly causing an accident, I shouted at him to stop as both me and our little boy were in the car. This resulted in him telling me "never shout at me again". Funny that, as he shouts at me the majority of the time. Then at home amongst other things that were said he tells me it's me making the arguments! I really am unhappy and know that me and my little boy may well be better off without him, but he said a while ago that if I left him he wouldn't surrvive and would kill himself. I know this sounds like I'm trapped, but would leave regardless if it came to the point of not loving him. For some unknown reason I do love him very much.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi Jad,

Like JarHed said, anger is common for vets with Combat PTSD, and they need to get help to manage that themselves. However, as a supporter, there are some things you can do to help yourself. Setting boundaries early and being consistent is essential.

When the verbal abuse starts, you just cannot engage him because it will be like throwing gasoline on a fire. If you sit and take it, then it will continue to a place that is not good for either of you. You need to set your boundary and stick to it. At the first instance of verbal abuse calmly say "I cannot listen to you talk to me like this. Call me when you calm down" (sometimes I will even put my hand up in a "stop" motion). Then leave. Take your son and leave the house. Go to a friend or family's place, go watch a movie, anything... just give him some space, and remove yourself as a target. Do not call or text him, let him calm down and contact you when he is ready.

This is a non-verbal way of enforcing your boundary. You will not tolerate verbal abuse (boundary), and if he starts yelling or lashing out, you will leave (consequence of crossing your boundary). Any problem or irritation that started the lashing out can be discussed later when you are both calm. Plus this is a safety thing. It's hard for things to escalate if you aren't there.

There is a great book called "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England. It is a good starter book for supporters, especially those of us who love a combat vet with PTSD. It also has a great section on how to solve conflicts instead of arguing. In the military, they are trained to fight in "fight or flight" situations, and combat just enforces that training. It is not good to argue with them because of this, so there are better ways to talk through things.

Doing this has helped my relationship a lot. It sounds kind of cold and clinical, but it really does work. My vet and I call it "the business of dealing with his PTSD." I know that he doesn't want to be mean to me or hurt my feelings, and he knows that I love and support him 100%. It is just a matter of learning how to communicate and keep the stress levels down.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Jad

I understand it's hard to see someone you love and care about in the state he's in. He needs to get back on his meds and stay on them. Many times people with Combat PTSD think they can get off their meds and do OK or can do without therapy. The truth is that both are needed to get better. Unfortunately only he can come to the place where he can say to himself, ' I need help and I'm going to get it'. When he gets there he'll move forward but not until then. We all, those of us with this, like to think we can somehow get over it or get better on our own. If we could we would. We can't. In time he can get a handle on the things which trigger him and make him act out but he has to want to do that. It's hard, very hard work and only he can do it. And he can do it but it has to originate with him wanting to get better.

This is also very hard on both you and your son, he see his dad this way also. Everyone suffers in these situations. There's no cure but one can get better. A few years ago I wouldn't have believed it myself. So there's always hope. Take it one day at a time and as I said before, stay safe and best of luck.

JarHed