Supporter PTSD husband of 25 years has left me again for the 3rd time in 3 years

[Luna654321]

Hi,
This is my first post, and I am trying to find some understanding in all of this. My husband has delayed onset PTSD and finally surfaced about 2 weeks after our oldest moved out. He said he was becoming numb. He was gone for 3 months and living in our second home. We reconnected and were together again for 6 months until he had another episode. He constantly says he can't live in our family home, so he'll leave our youngest daughter (18) and I. But, the house, our 2d house, is where the trauma event occurred. He blames me for his anxiety. Shortly thereafter, the nightmares began, then the insomnia and then the short fuse. We still are intimate and loving towards one another. He will talk about our future and things we can do since we are soon to be empty nesters. Then boom, I ask him what's wrong. I get the "I'm too needy speech" and then he goes into shut down and leaves. This is his 3rd time leaving in the span of 3 years. This time it's different though. We went no contact for a month and then I reached out to him because I was in a car accident. For the next month or so he was there if I needed him just not romantically. He said we are better off as friends. When I brought up relationship talk, he said we were over and hanged up on me. He blocked me for a month and a half. He finally unblocked me. I would text him and he would respond but never did he start a text with me. I sent him a text saying that I'm not giving up on him. I understand that things are different and feel different but I believe this will pass. I mentioned how he is a great father, husband, jokester and more "pick me up" comments. Well, I'm blocked again. I'm not sure if he even loves me anymore. It's hard on me because I see the patterns, but this time, it's just different so now I'm worried that we really are over. I can't wrap my head around how one day he is going over what we need to do for our future, to the next day leaving me. In between all of this, there have been hurtful comments. But yet, we are still on 360 (tracking) and he is on my phone plan and a lot of his stuff is still in our family home and some stuff that I left at the 2nd house is in the same spot I left it.

 

[Riley Jones]

I offer my heartfelt understanding to those who are struggling with PTSD or CPTSD, as well as to those supporting someone with these conditions. It's important to know that you are not alone in your experiences. Sharing your story and connecting with others who understand can be a valuable part of the healing process.

For anyone in need of professional help, I encourage you to seek out a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma. While peer support is beneficial, therapy can provide valuable tools and guidance specific to your individual needs.

If you're looking for more specific discussions on topics related to PTSD and CPTSD, myptsd.com offers various forums where you can engage with others facing similar challenges. These forums cover a range of issues, including relationships, triggers, coping strategies, and more.

Remember, there is no shame in reaching out for help or sharing your struggles. Your well-being is important, and there are resources and communities like myptsd.com ready to offer support and understanding.

With compassion and empathy,
Riley Jones

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like it’s a pretty distressing situation to be in. Hopefully hubby is engaging with therapy to make some progress with this?

 

[Luna654321]

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like it’s a pretty distressing situation to be in. Hopefully hubby is engaging with therapy to make some progress with this?

hubby refuses counseling. In fact, the second time he left, he was telling me that his counselor said I was the reason for his mental collapse. Once we got back together, he then agreed to counseling but the insurance part was difficult. He finally admitted that he never did go to counseling. He basically lied to me, and it was him placing blame on me for his feelings. We got so wrapped up in our honeymoon phase from being apart for 5 months, that I never followed up on his results with the insurance and counseling. I love him with all my heart but if he does come around and refuses counseling then, I will have to walk away. I have my own depression and abandonment issues that I have been in counseling/meds for the last 3 1/2 years. It's funny because he can see the positive changes counseling/meds has done for me, but he refuses to do it? I'm breaking on the inside while I'm trying to keep composure on the outside.

 

[SallyO]

Hi,
This is my first post, and I am trying to find some understanding in all of this. My husband has delayed onset PTSD and finally surfaced about 2 weeks after our oldest moved out. He said he was becoming numb. He was gone for 3 months and living in our second home. We reconnected and were together again for 6 months until he had another episode. He constantly says he can't live in our family home, so he'll leave our youngest daughter (18) and I. But, the house, our 2d house, is where the trauma event occurred. He blames me for his anxiety. Shortly thereafter, the nightmares began, then the insomnia and then the short fuse. We still are intimate and loving towards one another. He will talk about our future and things we can do since we are soon to be empty nesters. Then boom, I ask him what's wrong. I get the "I'm too needy speech" and then he goes into shut down and leaves. This is his 3rd time leaving in the span of 3 years. This time it's different though. We went no contact for a month and then I reached out to him because I was in a car accident. For the next month or so he was there if I needed him just not romantically. He said we are better off as friends. When I brought up relationship talk, he said we were over and hanged up on me. He blocked me for a month and a half. He finally unblocked me. I would text him and he would respond but never did he start a text with me. I sent him a text saying that I'm not giving up on him. I understand that things are different and feel different but I believe this will pass. I mentioned how he is a great father, husband, jokester and more "pick me up" comments. Well, I'm blocked again. I'm not sure if he even loves me anymore. It's hard on me because I see the patterns, but this time, it's just different so now I'm worried that we really are over. I can't wrap my head around how one day he is going over what we need to do for our future, to the next day leaving me. In between all of this, there have been hurtful comments. But yet, we are still on 360 (tracking) and he is on my phone plan and a lot of his stuff is still in our family home and some stuff that I left at the 2nd house is in the same spot I left it.

He definitely has to commit to get help and you should join online CoDA. If he doesn't this doesn't look like a good ending.

 

[Weemie]

I mentioned how he is a great father, husband, jokester and more "pick me up" comments. Well, I'm blocked again. I'm not sure if he even loves me anymore.

If he loved you to begin with? He still loves you. PTSD is a stress disorder, and neurologically, stress is categorized really as any novel stimulus. We can have PTSD reactions from good stressors (sex, going to the movies, receiving gifts, promotions, etc) to traditionally bad ones (fights, trauma anniversary, triggers).

It isn't intuitive. To you, these are loving comments and his reaction is completely illogical, signifying that he has changed how he feels about you. But to me, a person who has PTSD? Those comments would be stressful. Because they are an attempt to engage emotionally with me when I am past my capacity to do so.

My reaction, if I were unwell, would also be to withdraw. For reasons like this I don't have a romantic partner. But I do have a supporter, my mom. She used to worry that I genuinely hate her because she'll say good morning and I don't have the cognitive space to reply back.

The more she pushes, the worse I get until I eventually lash out in an effort to be left alone. We have worked to mitigate this. One: I am aware of it. I'm in treatment. Two: when I am well, I try to communicate as openly as possible. That way when shit like this happens it's not a surprise.

Now, you are under no obligation to be this guy's partner or his supporter. Especially if he lacks insight and won't cooperate in any meaningful way. If this stuff is too much for you, you are well within your rights to leave. I have zero advice for what you should do, only some perspective on why he's behaving like this.

But at least for my own self (who is all I can speak for) my love (with caveats, but non-PTSD related, less relevant) -- whatever it is I have for my family and friends, I don't suddenly become disgusted by them and hate them. PTSD shit is all self-relative and self-centered. I just can't look beyond the tunnel vision and if you try to insert yourself in my field of view I will lose it because I'm just trying to get one foot to go in front of the other.

Not about you, it's about us. I do encourage you not to take it personally if nothing else.

 

[DogTired]

Sorry to read this post.
We as a couple are still together but the stress my poor wife is under is immense as she copes with my moods. If your hubby can be persuaded to see a therapist DO IT NOW! Just in case he goes walkabout in his confused state.

 

[abovedown]

hubby refuses counseling. In fact, the second time he left, he was telling me that his counselor said I was the reason for his mental collapse. Once we got back together, he then agreed to counseling but the insurance part was difficult. He finally admitted that he never did go to counseling. He basically lied to me, and it was him placing blame on me for his feelings. We got so wrapped up in our honeymoon phase from being apart for 5 months, that I never followed up on his results with the insurance and counseling. I love him with all my heart but if he does come around and refuses counseling then, I will have to walk away. I have my own depression and abandonment issues that I have been in counseling/meds for the last 3 1/2 years. It's funny because he can see the positive changes counseling/meds has done for me, but he refuses to do it? I'm breaking on the inside while I'm trying to keep composure on the outside.

You need to take care yourself too. And it's really hard for you to try to help someone if a) they keep lying to you about seeking treatment b) keep blaming you for breaking apart in the first place. I don't know either one of you but if he keeps walking away, you just may have to let him go. If he wants to save your marriage and gets better, he needs to be willing to accept help and be honest to you.

 

[Rose White]

online CoDA

I second this idea. It helps so much to be surrounded by other folks going through something similar. CoDA is codependents anonymous. It’s based on the idea that you believe if he would just change these small things you both would be better. (Or that if you yourself change your outlook you can adapt to him better.). Sadly that’s a fantasy and the painful truth is that practically the whole mythology of marriage is built around that.

I had a husband who regularly told me I was hurting him in some way or another and that it wasn’t working out with me. This was after 15 years and some kids. I would regularly tell him how great he was and give him “pick me ups”, as you describe. And he would excuse his behavior that he was just tired or needed more intimacy. But it was a never-ending cycle. Once I realized what was happening I gave the relationship two years of hard effort with couples counseling, stating my needs and boundaries, but we couldn’t make it work together, so I let go of the tug-o-war. I assure you he changed a lot once I said, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Then he made up a bunch of excuses—because he liked and wanted that dynamic to continue. He bribed me back for years after I was already living on my own.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I can tell how much you love him and how much you are willing to be flexible for him in order for the marriage to work out. If he doesn’t want to work on himself I don’t know how you can continue without severely compromising your own integrity and self worth.

 

[DogTired]

I regret your troubles but know from experience the 'other half' does get a hammering from the sufferer.
However, occasionally, the whole thing gets sort of turned around.
After 6 months I can sum my desperately needed PTSD treatment in one word - -Nothing--. (Endless Waiting list).
We also asked for help for my wife, same thing, --Nothing--. (Another Endless Waiting list)

Now I can manage. Not very well BUT, I can manage.
However I know I'm difficult to live with and she recently told me to leave.
SMACK! Nearly 40 years of marriage might be brought down by absolutely no help.
Wife, in despair, let alone me.

I phoned up the referring agency that handles both of us in my rage and I think I left an impression by telling them what was happening and asking, "Which manager can I throttle if my marriage breaks down". The wife got mad at me, but the next day, her help miraculously, started.

Me? --Nothing--. Ho hum, but at least the wife is getting help and told me to stop packing.
Next time I'll ask which therapist they don't like much and can I throttle him/her.
You never know, something might happen. Even if it is only me getting arrested.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know this is not the same, but I once asked a guy I knew for years what he told a group of his friends and possibly my dad included who were each having hard times (he was the go-to person and on his deathbed himself). Surprisingly to me (and there were addictions and ptsd included) he told me he said, "I should get up and kick all your asses". I think that of myself sometimes. I don't mean it in an unloving way, but ptsd can ruin everything if you let it. I have to kick my own as*. Do I want to lose what I have or is good? Or even screw up good memories? So much depends on me.