littleoc
VIP Member
My father came out of child abuse with psychopathy, but I redeem his childhood by coming out of child abuse with cPTSD.
I redeem it by being unable to fit torture, rape, kidnapping, abuse, and suffering into my worldview, because I cannot and will not understand it.
He fit it into his, and now he is more broken than I will ever be.
I can recover. I can fight it. I can accept it without becoming a monster.
I redeem the child in him who suffered, but not the one who thought it was okay to let others suffer, not the one who thought it was okay to make others suffer, and obey.
He didn't survive. He became an embodiment of suffering and fear. He couldn't escape it, so he became it.
He became that, and nothing else.
I will always be stronger than what he has become, because of this.
I grieve for the lost child, not for the "man" who rapes, who sells into slavery, who abuses children, or who kills, all without becoming traumatized, all without comprehending guilt.
Not for the "man" who made his children suffer.
Not for the "man" who never loved, who at best collected. Who let his children be raised by animals, who did not allow their mother to show them affection at home, who experimented on children.
But for the child who may have once loved, who long ago may have tried to stretch his arms upward toward his mother, who would never love him.
Now I must carry your burdens. Now I must suffer for you, feel all the guilt and shame that you cannot even fathom.
Well, I can't fathom you, either. I became more than your suffering. I survived, I grew, I am recovering. I became so much more than that.
You want everyone to think you are worthy of pity, to think you are strong enough to be feared. Because the truth is that you are too weak to be human. You have no humanity left in you. You did not survive.
And I did. I suffer for it.
I have OCD, depression, anxiety, nightmares, traumatic brain injuries, -- most of all, PTSD.
I was never weak enough to give up, to become a psychopath.
PTSD is proof that I survived. Trauma did not make me into what it made him.
I redeem it by being unable to fit torture, rape, kidnapping, abuse, and suffering into my worldview, because I cannot and will not understand it.
He fit it into his, and now he is more broken than I will ever be.
I can recover. I can fight it. I can accept it without becoming a monster.
I redeem the child in him who suffered, but not the one who thought it was okay to let others suffer, not the one who thought it was okay to make others suffer, and obey.
He didn't survive. He became an embodiment of suffering and fear. He couldn't escape it, so he became it.
He became that, and nothing else.
I will always be stronger than what he has become, because of this.
I grieve for the lost child, not for the "man" who rapes, who sells into slavery, who abuses children, or who kills, all without becoming traumatized, all without comprehending guilt.
Not for the "man" who made his children suffer.
Not for the "man" who never loved, who at best collected. Who let his children be raised by animals, who did not allow their mother to show them affection at home, who experimented on children.
But for the child who may have once loved, who long ago may have tried to stretch his arms upward toward his mother, who would never love him.
Now I must carry your burdens. Now I must suffer for you, feel all the guilt and shame that you cannot even fathom.
Well, I can't fathom you, either. I became more than your suffering. I survived, I grew, I am recovering. I became so much more than that.
You want everyone to think you are worthy of pity, to think you are strong enough to be feared. Because the truth is that you are too weak to be human. You have no humanity left in you. You did not survive.
And I did. I suffer for it.
I have OCD, depression, anxiety, nightmares, traumatic brain injuries, -- most of all, PTSD.
I was never weak enough to give up, to become a psychopath.
PTSD is proof that I survived. Trauma did not make me into what it made him.
