Sufferer Ptsd Makes Life Very Difficult

[arvomaki]

Hi All,

I guess it is obvious. If I'm here, I have issues. I'm 65. My issues go back a long ways -- and I apologize for what may become a long post.

I have no desire to embellish, but I've been a very productive asset to the community for many years. For the most part, I love life. Unfortunately, my previous life has really affected me.

I'm under the care of a medical general practitioner, a cardiologist, a psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist, and a physiological therapist.

Life has never been easy for me, but it really got ugly and difficult a few years ago.

My issues started many years ago with a blood-filled immigrant childhood. This continued through six years in the US military. It became extremely difficult during the next 30 years of civilian destruction, torture, killing, etc., for our government -- which I still greatly admire and appreciate.

About two years ago, things got really bad when I found myself sending employees to the deal with same horrid issues, in the same horrid countries, that I was dealing with many years ago.

I don't even want to count the deaths and maimings of relatives, friends and colleagues.

I now take 14 pills a day. The pills have helped somewhat, but they don't affect the dreams involving all of these colleagues. Each dream ruins at least a day or two. Sometimes it ruins more than a week of productivity.

The dreams never stop, ruining even more.

They involve many friends who were captives. They involve my friends who were killed by rifle or explosives. They involve my friends on "pumps" who died in VA hospitals, filled with shrapnel.

I'm currently on disability, but the paperwork and interviews are nearly overwhelming. Thankfully, I have a wonderful wife pf 37-years who can talk to these people. Most phone calls and e-mails are useless.

In general, I love life. But, this is no life.

What have the rest of you done to get yourself out of this terrible rut?

Thanks,
Arvo

 

[youbetsya]

Ykudoseah it's really hard to get unstuck. Sounds like you have a good handle on your problems and what luck you have such a supportive spouse. My Dad was a marine in the Pacific WW and suffered all of his adult life. I have never been to war for the country, but have been fighting all my life- to stay alive. I wish you all the best.

 

[Zef]

Welcome. If you haven't already started, take a look around the forum and I think you will find lots of techniques for coping and for improving your symptoms. This is a great group of people here.

 

[Ted Moen]

In my sixties I have learned to focus on my little corner of the world and let the rest of the world take care of itself. My little corner of the world is a physical place and a set of activities and relationships I find enjoyable (though not without challenges) and fullfilling and which do not take me to a stress level beyond which I am unable to manage my PTSD symptoms. In the course of years of therapy I have talked through and reframed the memories that drive the nightmares. The memories are like old friends now, passing through occasionally but seldom waking me up or disrupting an activity. I exercise frequently and have reduced the medication to a low level of Paxil.

Talk through the memories with your clinical psychologist. They may not understand the experience, but they can help you reframe the memory and integrate it in a way that supports positive self-esteem.

I can even sleep through the start of the 68 Tet offensive these days ;)

Ted

 

[arvomaki]

Thanks Youbetsya and Zef.

With a handle like "youbetsya" I gather you are from where I grew up near Lake Superior. I'm now in the mountains of WV.

I've looked around the site. I plan to post more.

This is one of my most difficult days in quite some time.

I met with my psychiatrist earlier today. She had a smile on her face when I began to tell her about the last couple of weeks. She didn't interrupt me. She asked me to not be offended about her smile. She said she was happy for me, and she said I'm where she expected me to be -- just not quite this soon. I love this lady.

I don't know why today is such an awful day, but it is.

I feel I need to find more people who have issues like me. My doctor, my psychiatrist, my clinical psychologist, and my counselor have all admitted to not looking in a body bag, especially a warm blood-filled one of a friend, before rigor has yet set in.

There has been so much more blood, agony, and feelings over the last 40 years, and what I've gone through especially since I went on disability leave several months ago, I don't know where to start.

I'd just like to find some others who have gone through some of this!

Thanks all,
Arvo

 

[arvomaki]

Ted,

Thanks. I didn't actually go through the TET offensive, but I lost several very close relatives and friends there. My cousin was MIA starting in late October 1968. My cousin finally surfaced at Oak Knoll in late January 1969, after being in military hospitals in Japan and the Philippines, only to be killed in June 1969 on his wedding night, with his bride (and life-long friend to both of us), when they were hit by some young girls in a stolen car.

Damn, I sound negative.

As i said above, this has been a very bad day, yet my shrink says it is very good.

Thanks,
Arvo

 

[youbetsya]

I think I need to try again with a shrink- maybe there is some real assistance out there- so discouraging trying to find the right one tho.

 

[arvomaki]

I think I need to try again with a shrink- maybe there is some real assistance out there- so discouraging trying to find the right one tho.

....
It took me a long time to get here. I didn't want just drugs. I didn't want ....

I absolutely didn't want to lose my job. Admitting a psychological issue probably meant probation without pay. I'd seen it happen to a number of my employees and co-workers over many years. I guess I was high enough in the pecking order to be protected.

I was also extremely fortunate to find a psychiatrist through someone in my doctor's office. Most had 3-6 month waiting periods. We were extremely fortunate to get someone who wanted to return home to our rural area, and who came in needing new clients.

After an extremely difficult 24-month assignment that was very reminiscent of a very bloody assignment 35-40 years earlier, I could take no more. I asked for a leave of absence through our Employee Assistance Program (EAP).

I didn't lose my job. I'm still on leave. I don't know where I go from here.

Regards,
Arvo

 

[Zef]

arvomaki,

I just wanted to comment on your post about needing to be with other people who've been through what you have been through. I was having the same urge about the same time I checked myself in to a crisis program which included lots of group sessions.

Even though most of the people didn't necessarily have the exact experiences as I did, it was very good for me to be with other people going through difficult times and trying to fight and get better.

I believe you said you were in a rural area, but you may want to check to see if there are any groups or programs near your locale. Also, I believe there is a sub-forum here specifically for combat PTSD that may help you find others who have similar experiences.

 

[anthony]

Hey Arvo, welcome to the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :tup: